Helton stays, so does his contract...

Todd's contract was actually the most disappointed when trade talks fizzled yesterday, in an exclusive interview, the contract expressed deep regret about not being able to live out a dream:

"Disappointed? Yeah, I guess you could say that, when Mike's (former Rockies pitcher Mike Hampton) contract got split three ways between the Marlins, Rockies and Braves, I thought, now that's what I want," the contract said.

"I mean could you imagine? Having your place by the beach in Miami, the house in Atlanta and a little ski chalet up in Colorado. Man, he's got it good. Me, I could have been like, almost bicoastal in the split with Boston, how cool would that have been?

Todd's contract poses for a publicity shoot.

"Maybe they could have given me my own TV show in Boston, they have a network, you know. It would have been called: 'Contract for Hire' and I would have like gone around and busted up some organized crime rings or soemthing. Who knows, maybe we'd be going off to Cali after all after that."

I then asked if the contract actually wanted to go to the Angels, since Helton himself had said he'd veto that trade.

"Oh man, are you kidding? I'm so made for Los Angeles. You're right, Todd's not into that, but maybe that's what makes us such a good team. He's Nashville, I'm Hollywood. Kind of like Starsky and Hutch, or Britney and K-fed..,"

But that didn't end well, I said.

"Really? Ooh, uhm maybe that was a bad analogy."

When asked what he thought about being characterized as an albatross, and a hang-up in the negotiations, the contract was a little more blunt:

"Lies. They're all just looking for scapegoats. I've been nothing but accomodating in all of this. I just sit here, and ask for what's coming to me, that's all. Just sit and ask for a lot of cool, hard cash. Is that an albatross? Maybe. A solid gold abatross, with diamonds for eyes, though. who wouldn't want that kind of bling around their necks, huh? Am I right, or am I sooo right?"

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