FanPost

Suggestions for Improvement

Squeaky is one of those constantly happy, annoyingly optimistic sort of people. Put with an early bedtime and lots of sleep, I've decided the only way to deal with this schneid is to make fun of it. Everyone: Fans, Coaches, players, etc is taking this very seriously/sullenly. Not saying they shouldn't, just saying that's what I see. So my brilliant idea was to lighten it up a bit.

I woke up with the song "Heart" from Damn Yankees stuck in my head. Go figure. I think we need all our heart back...

Anywho. Here are my ideas for some improvement. Not really sure how any of them is supposed to work. At the very least it would make the games incredibly amusing to watch.

1. Pull up all the socks and turn hats inside out.
2. Dunk Tulo in the fountain for a symbolic "rebirth"
3. Change the colors for one day to neons.
4. Hold the bats upside down and convince the pitcher to roll the ball instead.
5. Whenever the pitcher is about to throw, all fielders turn in a circle. You can just imagine the batter thinking, "what the heck?!" and then striking out badly.
6. Change the lineup so it's exactly like last year's. Sans Matsui, otherwise the same.
7. Send everyone into a deep hypnosis induced trance and make them believe that it's October 2007.
8. Clone them all. Genetically enhance the clones and have them play the games, then send the real ones out as a super secret crime fighting force, complete with Matrix-like soundtrack.
9. Blow raspberries at the DBacks.
10. Strategically placed trapdoors under the field that are used to remove players when they are not doing well. Players will remain in time out for five whole minutes before being allowed to return.
11. Geysers that randomly blow the bases off whenever an opponent is standing on it.
12. Secret voodoo rituals held on the very top of the rockpile under the full moon at midnight, then repeated at high noon.
13. Release Iannetta and Buchholz from the bullpen bathroom where they were locked all of last season via battering ram and an army of dancing robots.

Thirteen reasons. Anyone else have any ideas?
Aside: I just thought I lost this WHOLE post. I was going to be SO upset.

Eat. Drink. Be Merry. But the above FanPost does not necessarily reflect the attitudes, opinions, or views of Purple Row's staff (unless, of course, it's written by the staff [and even then, it still might not]).

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