FanPost

The Most Interesting Pitcher In The Universe

It has become quite apparent to even the most casual of Rockies observers that Ubaldo Jimenez is The Man(tm). However, he is not only this, but also The Most Interesting Pitcher In The Universe. Given his newfound fame as the spokes-hurler for Dos EKis (per inning), it is only appropriate that his accomplishments and exploits be broadcast far and wide so as to educate the great unwashed masses about this great man's limitless potential. The list of confirmed facts comes after the jump

He can strike you out with his fastball. Or his changeup. Whichever.

 

He once struck a man out...merely by staring him down.

He can strike you out with his fastball. Or his faster ball.

His fastball is moving faster than the universe.

His slider has more break than the San Andreas Fault.

His changeup changes the course of entire civilizations.

His mom has a tattoo that says "Hijo".

His strikeouts generate enough swings to power the entire city of Boulder.

His slider once caused a 40-car pileup.

He once threw a pitch below 90 MPH...just to see how it felt.

His fastball can break speed guns two counties over.

His fasball is so fast, only lightsabers can hit it.

His fastball is so fast, it crosses the plate before it leaves his hand.

 

Thanks to Andrew Martin, SDCat09, and glaucophane for not only being able to experience this greatness, but also being willing to share it in tonight's game wrap. Thanks also to the lovely Rox the Casbah for her observation in an earlier game thread...and for not making me sleep on the couch when I deserve it.

 

Edit: Special thanks are owed to the Denver Post's Troy Renck, whose quip in his game wrap tonight inspired the initial back-and-forth in tonight's game wrap. I apologize profusely for the oversight. Thanks to holly96 for setting me straight!

 

Now, Purple Row, it's your turn. How else has Ubaldo Jimenez demonstrated that he is, indeed, The Most Interesting Pitcher In The Universe? The world must know, for its own good. Please, do not let this devolve to Chuck Norris jokes, or you will be punished by being forced to watch a lifetime of Greg Smith starts.

Eat. Drink. Be Merry. But the above FanPost does not necessarily reflect the attitudes, opinions, or views of Purple Row's staff (unless, of course, it's written by the staff [and even then, it still might not]).

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