The Most Interesting Pitcher In The Universe
by Paleface Destro on May 20, 2010 11:40 PM MDT
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PrintIt has become quite apparent to even the most casual of Rockies observers that Ubaldo Jimenez is The Man(tm). However, he is not only this, but also The Most Interesting Pitcher In The Universe. Given his newfound fame as the spokes-hurler for Dos EKis (per inning), it is only appropriate that his accomplishments and exploits be broadcast far and wide so as to educate the great unwashed masses about this great man's limitless potential. The list of confirmed facts comes after the jump
He can strike you out with his fastball. Or his changeup. Whichever.
He once struck a man out...merely by staring him down.
He can strike you out with his fastball. Or his faster ball.
His fastball is moving faster than the universe.
His slider has more break than the San Andreas Fault.
His changeup changes the course of entire civilizations.
His mom has a tattoo that says "Hijo".
His strikeouts generate enough swings to power the entire city of Boulder.
His slider once caused a 40-car pileup.
He once threw a pitch below 90 MPH...just to see how it felt.
His fastball can break speed guns two counties over.
His fasball is so fast, only lightsabers can hit it.
His fastball is so fast, it crosses the plate before it leaves his hand.
Thanks to Andrew Martin, SDCat09, and glaucophane for not only being able to experience this greatness, but also being willing to share it in tonight's game wrap. Thanks also to the lovely Rox the Casbah for her observation in an earlier game thread...and for not making me sleep on the couch when I deserve it.
Edit: Special thanks are owed to the Denver Post's Troy Renck, whose quip in his game wrap tonight inspired the initial back-and-forth in tonight's game wrap. I apologize profusely for the oversight. Thanks to holly96 for setting me straight!
Now, Purple Row, it's your turn. How else has Ubaldo Jimenez demonstrated that he is, indeed, The Most Interesting Pitcher In The Universe? The world must know, for its own good. Please, do not let this devolve to Chuck Norris jokes, or you will be punished by being forced to watch a lifetime of Greg Smith starts.
Eat. Drink. Be Merry. But the above FanPost does not necessarily reflect the attitudes, opinions, or views of Purple Row's staff (unless, of course, it's written by the staff [and even then, it still might not]).
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Agreed...I edited the post since that's such an egregious oversight on my part.
Paleface Destro, wildly hacking destroyer of rallies.
Recovering Mets fan since 2007.
by Paleface Destro on May 21, 2010 12:00 AM MDT up reply actions
His changeup was clocked at 91 miles per hour and his fastball broke two feet.
Umpires ask him if a hitter went around on a swing.
His changeup is just a fastball that he shoots out of mid-air with a skeet rifle, causing it to drop just inches from home plate.
"You spend a good piece of your life gripping a baseball and in the end it turns out that it was the other way around the whole time." - Jim Bouton
When he smiles, batters swing three times and head to the dugout.
He spells “wind-up” and “the stretch” with a “k”.
He is offended when he’s called an “ace”. That would imply he’s not the King, Queen, Jack, and 10 of the pitching Royal Flush.
He doesn’t always throw strikes, but when he does, they aren’t leaving the infield.
Go into my head, come back out, and then tell me I'm wrong.
He speaks Spanish in French
Just an average guy with exceptional hair. Nothing more, nothing less.
Bear Naked - My thoughts on sports, music, and life.
by Bryan Kilpatrick on May 21, 2010 6:43 AM MDT reply actions
He doesn't throw the ball...
he manipulates the speed at which the earth rotates.
Before the Large Hadron Collider was operational, the Swiss asked Ubaldo to throw protons at each other.
After a game, Ubaldo doesn’t need an ice pack, his stare is icy enough.
My name is synonym for win.
by Thnikkaman on May 21, 2010 7:02 AM MDT reply actions 2 recs
Earth rotation will be the topic of my next "Physics of Baseball."
If I remember I can throw a reference to this in it. Need to finish my dissertation first, though.
Science! It means whatever you want it to!
by realmenwearpurple on May 21, 2010 7:49 AM MDT up reply actions
that first one sounds more chuck norris than dos equis
Go into my head, come back out, and then tell me I'm wrong.
by fantasyfencing on May 21, 2010 8:58 AM MDT up reply actions
I'm trying to thank of it more this way.
Chuck Norris is to Superman as the Dos Equis man is to Batman
My name is synonym for win.
Before the Large Hadron Collider was operational, the Swiss asked Ubaldo to throw protons at each other.
My favorite!
-Joe
Project U-Ball is in full effect.
Can't believe Eric Byrnes is a FA in my Fantasy Softball League!
Him, on rollerblading:
“No.”
Just an average guy with exceptional hair. Nothing more, nothing less.
Bear Naked - My thoughts on sports, music, and life.
by Bryan Kilpatrick on May 21, 2010 7:53 AM MDT reply actions
Him on bringing home meat from Todd:
“no”
"Ninety feet between a hot dog and my mouth is too far" - Maria M (SDCAT09 is awesome for coming up with this fake quote for me!)
Co-president of the Ubaldo Lovers Club.
How to spell Ubaldo
His first name is actually spelled with nine 0’s. Eight of them are not only silent, but like his fastball, invisible to the naked eye.
http://www.twitter.com/danielboniface
He doesn't throw a cutter in games
in case he needs to use it to perform open heart surgery on a day off.
Ubaldo doesn't grow facial hair
he donates all of his shaving clippings to sop up the spill in the Gulf.
My name is synonym for win.
To prove his dominance
Ubaldo once pitched a no hitter on a flat pitchers mound.
My name is synonym for win.
His fastball is so fast
he strikes people out before they leave the dugout
Troy Tulowitzki - Best SS in the MLB - 2010 MVP
Brad Hawpe - Will prove the doubters wrong
Todd Helton - Time for his ring to come true
Daley for Closer!!
Quitter's People United Member #4
He Lives Vicariously...
Through his fastball
by thelastspoonbender on May 21, 2010 11:11 AM MDT reply actions
He Doesn't Always Throw Strikes
But when he does, he liquifies a batter’s will (and his bat)
by thelastspoonbender on May 21, 2010 11:19 AM MDT reply actions
Umpires try to start fights with him
Just so that they can learn how to win an argument.
My name is synonym for win.
Ubaldo likes to watch Greg Smith pitch too.
Co-Captain of the Greg Lovers Club (along with Silverblood)
In the minors Ubaldo's slider started in Asheville and ended in the PCL.
Donate to charity by shopping for Purple Row Merchandise at: Purple Row Cares
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Chuck Norris salutes U!
Donate to charity by shopping for Purple Row Merchandise at: Purple Row Cares
Follow on Twitter @purplerowcares
Can you tell Chuck Norris is saying, “Thank you Ubaldo”
Donate to charity by shopping for Purple Row Merchandise at: Purple Row Cares
Follow on Twitter @purplerowcares
He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does he prefers Coors
?¿?
"These are thin mints. I put them in the freezer. My favorites. So good."
--Reds outfielder Adam Dunn, on the girl scout cookies he keeps in his locker
Ubaldo once won a game on an off day
In addition, he also once won a game in which the Rockies were out scored 6-4. Of course Ubaldo wasn’t pitching this game, he simply stared at the opposing team after the game. MLB gave him the win.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/thewrightshot/
Ubaldo once punched a magician...
yeah that’s right. you heard me.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/thewrightshot/
Yo, if you hadn't said "yea thats right you heard me"
and offered no sort of explanation for this one at all, it would have been the funniest thing ever. But because of that , you have to settle for merely very funny.
"These are thin mints. I put them in the freezer. My favorites. So good."
--Reds outfielder Adam Dunn, on the girl scout cookies he keeps in his locker
yo.
Purple Row: Take this personally
http://www.youtube.com/user/rockiesmagicnumber
Learn about Batting Metrics
Learn about Pitching Metrics
by Andrew Martin on May 25, 2010 4:43 PM MDT up reply actions
wuddup
"These are thin mints. I put them in the freezer. My favorites. So good."
--Reds outfielder Adam Dunn, on the girl scout cookies he keeps in his locker
His Fastball is The Only Object in the Universe
That Can Exist in two places at the same time. His Hand and the catcher’s mitt
Ubaldo Jimenez is my Daughter's Patron Saint. On Days He Pitches, We Call Her Ubalda.
by thelastspoonbender on May 23, 2010 11:45 AM MDT reply actions
Even his knuckleball's advice is insightful
"Good pitching will beat good hitting any time, and vice versa." ~Bob Veale
"I hope this game isn't horrible. Because if it is, we're going to have to wait until tomorrow to see the Rockies win." ~5-yo
"Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug."~Mitch Williams
He doesn't pick off baserunners, they just voluntarily return to the dugout
Don't look back, something might be gaining on you-Satchel Paige
by bleedspurple on May 24, 2010 11:16 AM MDT reply actions 1 recs
Or they would, if he ever allowed opponents to reach base.
The Colorado Rockies aren't a team, they're an armada.
Touche
Don't look back, something might be gaining on you-Satchel Paige
by bleedspurple on May 25, 2010 8:18 AM MDT up reply actions
Families in thirty seven nations preemptively name their grandchildren...
….and their grandchildren’s grandchildren, after him.
Watching the purple row from high atop the big brown monolith on California Ave
Ubaldo named his parents after himself
Sports don't build character, they reveal it
by Cotts on May 25, 2010 10:24 PM MDT up reply actions 3 recs
nice!
Donate to charity by shopping for Purple Row Merchandise at: Purple Row Cares
Follow on Twitter @purplerowcares
He would throw his sub-90MPH pitch...
…if he had one.
Paleface Destro, wildly hacking destroyer of rallies.
Recovering Mets fan since 2007.
by Paleface Destro on May 25, 2010 9:23 PM MDT reply actions
When he's on the rubber
he’s allowed to touch his mouth.
"Good pitching will beat good hitting any time, and vice versa." ~Bob Veale
"I hope this game isn't horrible. Because if it is, we're going to have to wait until tomorrow to see the Rockies win." ~5-yo
"Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug."~Mitch Williams
Ubaldo's personality is so magnetic, he's unable to carry credit cards
http://www.flickr.com/photos/thewrightshot/
Ubaldo is the only person to ever ace a Rorschach Test.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/thewrightshot/
by MohrPlease on May 26, 2010 1:08 AM MDT reply actions 2 recs
+1
Donate to charity by shopping for Purple Row Merchandise at: Purple Row Cares
Follow on Twitter @purplerowcares
Eh those are all pretty chuck norris
Purple Row: Take this personally
http://www.youtube.com/user/rockiesmagicnumber
Learn about Batting Metrics
Learn about Pitching Metrics
the prior 3 that is
Purple Row: Take this personally
http://www.youtube.com/user/rockiesmagicnumber
Learn about Batting Metrics
Learn about Pitching Metrics
by Andrew Martin on May 26, 2010 8:55 AM MDT up reply actions
Ubaldo asks for real bulls to be present
when he throws his bullpens.
-Joe
Project U-Ball is in full effect.
Can't believe Eric Byrnes is a FA in my Fantasy Softball League!
After his next shutout in San Francisco,
Ubaldo plans to run past Tim Lincecum’s house at 4am, singing “Rocky Mountain Way.”
What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?
by Fiftytwoeighty on May 26, 2010 12:28 PM MDT reply actions
I really hope he does this. and good call
Troy Tulowitzki - Best SS in the MLB - 2010 MVP
Brad Hawpe - Yep, proving y'all wrong
Todd Helton - Time for his ring to come true
Daley has been freed!
Quitter's People United Member #4
That would be so awesome....
he could work it into his 6-mile run ;-)
"Good pitching will beat good hitting any time, and vice versa." ~Bob Veale
"I hope this game isn't horrible. Because if it is, we're going to have to wait until tomorrow to see the Rockies win." ~5-yo
"Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug."~Mitch Williams
by Rox the Casbah on May 31, 2010 11:25 PM MDT up reply actions
Spent the last year
Rocky Mountain Way
Couldn’t get much higher
What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?
by Fiftytwoeighty on Jun 1, 2010 4:19 PM MDT up reply actions
John Elway
Wants to know what its like to be Ubaldo
My name is synonym for win.
by Thnikkaman on May 26, 2010 12:47 PM MDT reply actions 2 recs
He reverse the course of the wind and weather patterns with a single warmup pitch
Watching the purple row from high atop the big brown monolith on California Ave
Sort of like the Butterfly Effect,
but a much higher magnitude.
-Joe
Project U-Ball is in full effect.
Can't believe Eric Byrnes is a FA in my Fantasy Softball League!
glad I could help :)......just kidding
In leadership,sometimes it comes strictly down to courage. We have to have courage within our organiztion today. It takes courage to be a Colorado Rockie.
....Keli McGregor 2007
He wins the Cy Young Award in both leagues
in the same year.
Watching the purple row from high atop the big brown monolith on California Ave
by Mondogarage on May 27, 2010 7:44 AM MDT reply actions 2 recs
The scientific community is considering making the value of absolute zero fixed on Ubaldo’s ERA.
Don't look back, something might be gaining on you-Satchel Paige
by bleedspurple on May 27, 2010 9:51 AM MDT reply actions 5 recs
The last 3 WSOP champions have asked Ubaldo
to teach them how to hide their intentions before they act.
My name is synonym for win.
This was funny until I remembered Jerry Yang is in that group...
Watching the purple row from high atop the big brown monolith on California Ave
Maytag Iowa has decided to rename their Blue Cheese Ubaldo to accurately describe the stank.
My name is synonym for win.
He Can See To The Depths of Your Soul
Just by staring you down
Ubaldo Jimenez is my Daughter's Patron Saint. On Days He Pitches, We Call Her Ubalda.
by thelastspoonbender on May 27, 2010 10:57 AM MDT reply actions
Ubaldo
Who’d a ever thunk that Colorado would have the best pitcher in baseball? At altitude. They should make a statue to the guy who invented the Humidor.
What was his name?
Jimenez
Knowing that the Humidor was important to his ascension as the Most Interesting one, he scrawled the message “Build a humidor for the baseballs” on a baseball, and threw it back in time.
My name is synonym for win.
by Thnikkaman on May 28, 2010 7:10 AM MDT up reply actions 2 recs
Yeah thank that guy for the humidor
Since Ubaldo has a 0.00 ERA at Coors and a 4.50 ERA on the road. Errr, not really.
Ubaldo is a stud. Period.
"I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious." - Albert Einstein
by Andrew T. Fisher on May 28, 2010 8:20 AM MDT up reply actions
I shudder to think of how awesome he would
be at say at pitcher’s park…like Petco….Holy God…
Troy Tulowitzki - Best SS in the MLB - 2010 MVP
Brad Hawpe - Yep, proving y'all wrong
Todd Helton - Time for his ring to come true
Daley has been freed!
Quitter's People United Member #4
Ubaldo invented the negative ERA after pitching at Petco.
Donate to charity by shopping for Purple Row Merchandise at: Purple Row Cares
Follow on Twitter @purplerowcares
by Charlie77 on May 29, 2010 8:28 AM MDT up reply actions 1 recs
The Rockies' bullpen is the most overpayed staff in all of baseball.
They get three-day weekends, cause every fifth day off, thanks to Ubaldo.
Is that four tacos in your pocket, or are you just happy to see the Rockies scoring 7 or more runs?
by fantasyfencing on May 31, 2010 6:50 PM MDT reply actions 1 recs
Ubaldo's pitches
are so filthy that they are not allowed within 300 yards of a school
Half of this game is 90% mental.
Ubaldo can
both start and put out a fire with his fastball
There are three things in my life which I really love: God, my family, and baseball. The only problem - once baseball season starts, I change the order around a bit. ~Al Gallagher, 1971
A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings. ~Earl Wilson
JFK
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