Over the past two seasons Carlos Gonzalez has demonstrated an impressive control of some advanced technology while terrorizing opposing MLB teams and players. To date, MLB has allowed the continued use of his LAZOR and its associated powers and applications. Due to this unforeseen and unprecedented acceptance of new, game-changing technologies by MLB, the Rockies have gained a significant advantage over their competition since their acquisition of Carlos Gonzalez prior to the 2009 season. It is suspected that this winter MLB informed the Rockies that Carlos and his LAZOR will continue to be allowed to usher in a new era of baseball. These promises lead to his contract extension, ensuring that the Colorado Rockies will have a technological edge on their opponents for years to come.
LAZOR is a synonym for LASER, which is an abbreviation for Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation. In 1917, Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundations for the laser in the paper Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung (On the Quantum Theory of Radiation). [Wikipedia] However, it wasn’t until 1960 that the first functioning laser was constructed at Hughes Research Laboratories in Malibu, California. Since then, lasers of many types and sizes have been developed for a great range of applications.
In this article, we will attempt to identify the type of LAZOR Carlos Gonzalez has accessed and utilized repeatedly for the Rockies by identifying three characteristics: spectrum, power, and size. First, we will need to find an example of its use in a game. For this, I feel a perfect example was an interleague matchup in 2009. Below, we can see Carlos field a ball hit off the outfield wall, turn, and unleash his LAZOR upon the unsuspecting Oakland Athletics.
Note: Despite the gruesome nature of the injuries sustained in this example, Jason Giambi went on to lead a relatively normal life, although some still find it unbearable to witness him (in a Rockies uniform).
As you can see, the LAZOR is in the visible spectrum (please forgive the pun), more specifically it is between 440 and 480 nm in wavelength and continuous (CW). This narrows the field of possibilities greatly, as many lasers operate outside this range. However, there are still several types of lasers to choose from.
This LAZOR is also obviously very high powered, as Carlos has demonstrated several times. This does help to reduce the number of possibilities. As this laser was able to set fire and ablate skin, it had to be able to provide an energy density greater than 3 Joules per square centimeter. Assuming the size of this beam was about a six foot diameter circle at the range shown above, the ignition occurred almost instantaneously (~ within 1/1000th of a second), and a negligible amount of energy was lost to atmospheric absorption, the total power of the LAZOR is no less than 10.9 MW. Unfortunately, no known lasers are capable of outputting this type of power in this wavelength, especially from a compact, portable source. Carlos Gonzalez has obviously acquired a new technology. This does make sense, given that he is the only person in MLB utilizing it.
So where did he get this LAZOR? The only reasonable answer is that he got it from aliens. Looking at his minor league stats, he clearly broke out in 2009 while at Colorado Springs, posting career highs across the board in his batting statistics, and further bolstering an already very strong defensive reputation. This was after a disappointing 2008 in Oakland, and perhaps he realized he needed help to excel at the MLB level. The 2009 Sky Sox visited the Las Vegas 51’s on their first road trip of the season, and obviously during this road trip Carlos Gonzalez was able to enter Area 51 and retrieve the long lost LAZOR weapon system from the infamous 1947 alien crash landing.
In conclusion, Carlos Gonzalez is clearly in possession of alien technology and has been using it for the last two years to dominate MLB. We can only hope the power systems for his LAZOR hold up for the remainder of his contract extension and that no other teams are able to develop similar LAZORs or force fields which would render his LAZOR useless.