Abbott and Costello Visit the Rockies

Back by popular demand, it's Abbott and Costello.

Abbott: Well Costello, I’m going to Colorado with you. You know Jim Tracy, the Rockies’ manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you’re on the team.

Costello: Look Abbott, if you’re the coach, you must know all the players.

Abbott: I certainly do.

Costello: Well you know I’ve never met the guys. So you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.

Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these athletes now-a-days very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names?

Abbott: Strange names, pet names…like D’Brickashaw Ferguson… or Dizzy Dean…

Costello: His brother Daffy.

Abbott: Daffy Dean…

Costello: And their French cousin.

Abbott: French?

Costello: Goofè.

Abbott: Goofè Dean. Well, let’s see, we have the pen… Matts out there.
 
Costello: Who else?

Abbott: Matts.

Costello: Are you the manager?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: You gonna be the coach too?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: And you don’t know the fellows’ names?

Abbott: Well I should.

Costello: Well then, the bullpen is Matt… and?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I mean the fellow’s name.

Abbott: Matt.

Costello: And?

Abbott: Matt.

Costello: And?

Abbott: Matt.

Costello: The guy pitching…

Abbott: Matts in the pen!

Costello: I’m asking YOU who’s in the pen other than Matt?

Abbott: That’s the name of our ’pen.

Costello: Matt?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Well go ahead and tell me the others.

Abbott: That’s it.

Costello: Matt?

Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you got more than one member of the ’pen?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: You have Matt in the ’pen?

Abbott: That’s right.

Costello: When you pay off the ’pen every month, Matt gets the money?

Abbott: Every dollar of it.

Costello: All I’m trying to find out is the fellow’s name who pitches the late innings.

Abbott: Matt.

Costello: The 6th.

Abbott: That’s it.

Costello: Matt gets the money for the ’pen and pitches the 6th?

Abbott: He does, every dollar. And then Matt will pitch the 7th.

Costello: Matt?

Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Abbott: What’swrong with that?

Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you need a guy for a quick out against a lefty who do you pitch?

Abbott: Matt.

Costello: And the 8th?

Abbott: Matt.

Costello: How does he pitch…

Abbott: Well, usually. That's why he goes in the later innings.

Costello: Matt?

Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: All I’m trying to find out is if Matt pitches only the 6th.

Abbott: No. Matts pitch in the 7th and 8th too.

Costello: I’m not asking you about the 7th and 8th.

Abbott: Matts pitch the 6th through 8th.

Costello: Matt piches more than one inning?

Abbott: Not usually.

Costello: But Matt pitches in the 7th and 8th?

Abbott: And the 6th.

Costello: One inning at a time!

Abbott: Well, don’t matter.

Costello: But you can’t throw Matt every day!

Abbott: Take it easy, buddy. No one goes every day.

Costello: I’m only asking you, who pitches the 6th?

Abbott: Matt.

Costello: Ok.

Abbott: All right.

PAUSE

Costello: Matt pitches 1 inning at a time?

Abbott: Yes, in the 6th through 8th.

Costello: I’m not asking you about the 8th.

Abbott: Sure you are…

Costello: Matt pitches the 6th.

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Then Matt takes the rest of the night off and Matt throws the 7th.

Abbott: That’s it.

Costello: So what if Matt needs a day off?

Abbott: Which?

Costello: Any of them? Why does it matter? Maybe it's a religious holiday.

Abbott: Oh, that's our old leftfielder, he isn't here anymore.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Matt. Traded him for CarGo.

Costello: Cargo? But Matt is in our 'pen?

Abbott: Yeah. Matts in the 'pen.

Costello: Yet you traded Matt for some kind of goods and he doesn't play here anymore.

Abbott: Yes, we traded Matt for CarGo. He wasn't going to resign, thought our offer wasn't high enough.

Costello: So Matt is gone? Traded because you assumed he would leave in free agency?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Your offer was too low?

Abbott: No, he's going to be our shortstop for years to come and we wouldn't trade him. We offered Matt.

Costello: Matt was a shortstop?

Abbott: No Matt was a third baseman we converted to leftfield.

Costello: But I thought Matt pitched in the bullpen.

Abbott: He does.

Costello: So you converted him again?

Abbott: No, Matts always pitched, at least since we got 'em.

PAUSE

Costello: So your bullpen is Matt, he only pitches 1 inning at a time and Matt throws the 6th 7th and 8th. Matt used to play left field but has been traded for CarGo and you wouldn't trade the non-Matt shortstop. I give up, I don’t give a darn anymore! If you can't even tell me even the players names, we're doomed.

Abbott: Oh, that's our catcher.