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Abbott and Costello Visit the Rockies
Back by popular demand, it's Abbott and Costello.
Abbott: Well Costello, I’m going to Colorado with you. You know Jim Tracy, the Rockies’ manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you’re on the team.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you’re the coach, you must know all the players.
Abbott: I certainly do.
Costello: Well you know I’ve never met the guys. So you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.
Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these athletes now-a-days very peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott: Strange names, pet names…like D’Brickashaw Ferguson… or Dizzy Dean…
Costello: His brother Daffy.
Abbott: Daffy Dean…
Costello: And their French cousin.
Abbott: French?
Costello: Goofè.
Abbott: Goofè Dean. Well, let’s see, we have the pen… Matts out there.
Costello: Who else?
Abbott: Matts.
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You gonna be the coach too?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don’t know the fellows’ names?
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then, the bullpen is Matt… and?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow’s name.
Abbott: Matt.
Costello: And?
Abbott: Matt.
Costello: And?
Abbott: Matt.
Costello: The guy pitching…
Abbott: Matts in the pen!
Costello: I’m asking YOU who’s in the pen other than Matt?
Abbott: That’s the name of our ’pen.
Costello: Matt?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me the others.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: Matt?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, you got more than one member of the ’pen?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: You have Matt in the ’pen?
Abbott: That’s right.
Costello: When you pay off the ’pen every month, Matt gets the money?
Abbott: Every dollar of it.
Costello: All I’m trying to find out is the fellow’s name who pitches the late innings.
Abbott: Matt.
Costello: The 6th.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: Matt gets the money for the ’pen and pitches the 6th?
Abbott: He does, every dollar. And then Matt will pitch the 7th.
Costello: Matt?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Abbott: What’swrong with that?
Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you need a guy for a quick out against a lefty who do you pitch?
Abbott: Matt.
Costello: And the 8th?
Abbott: Matt.
Costello: How does he pitch…
Abbott: Well, usually. That's why he goes in the later innings.
Costello: Matt?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: All I’m trying to find out is if Matt pitches only the 6th.
Abbott: No. Matts pitch in the 7th and 8th too.
Costello: I’m not asking you about the 7th and 8th.
Abbott: Matts pitch the 6th through 8th.
Costello: Matt piches more than one inning?
Abbott: Not usually.
Costello: But Matt pitches in the 7th and 8th?
Abbott: And the 6th.
Costello: One inning at a time!
Abbott: Well, don’t matter.
Costello: But you can’t throw Matt every day!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy. No one goes every day.
Costello: I’m only asking you, who pitches the 6th?
Abbott: Matt.
Costello: Ok.
Abbott: All right.
PAUSE
Costello: Matt pitches 1 inning at a time?
Abbott: Yes, in the 6th through 8th.
Costello: I’m not asking you about the 8th.
Abbott: Sure you are…
Costello: Matt pitches the 6th.
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Then Matt takes the rest of the night off and Matt throws the 7th.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: So what if Matt needs a day off?
Abbott: Which?
Costello: Any of them? Why does it matter? Maybe it's a religious holiday.
Abbott: Oh, that's our old leftfielder, he isn't here anymore.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Matt. Traded him for CarGo.
Costello: Cargo? But Matt is in our 'pen?
Abbott: Yeah. Matts in the 'pen.
Costello: Yet you traded Matt for some kind of goods and he doesn't play here anymore.
Abbott: Yes, we traded Matt for CarGo. He wasn't going to resign, thought our offer wasn't high enough.
Costello: So Matt is gone? Traded because you assumed he would leave in free agency?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Your offer was too low?
Abbott: No, he's going to be our shortstop for years to come and we wouldn't trade him. We offered Matt.
Costello: Matt was a shortstop?
Abbott: No Matt was a third baseman we converted to leftfield.
Costello: But I thought Matt pitched in the bullpen.
Abbott: He does.
Costello: So you converted him again?
Abbott: No, Matts always pitched, at least since we got 'em.
PAUSE
Costello: So your bullpen is Matt, he only pitches 1 inning at a time and Matt throws the 6th 7th and 8th. Matt used to play left field but has been traded for CarGo and you wouldn't trade the non-Matt shortstop. I give up, I don’t give a darn anymore! If you can't even tell me even the players names, we're doomed.
Abbott: Oh, that's our catcher.
Eat. Drink. Be Merry. But the above FanPost does not necessarily reflect the attitudes, opinions, or views of Purple Row's staff (unless, of course, it's written by the staff [and even then, it still might not]).
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Well done.
Really funny.
"I think I speak for everyone in here when I say: It''s playoffs or bust"- Jason Hammel : Feared Slugger
BigGiantHead of the Ubaldo Lover's Club;OG Thugget Loyalist #4, QPU Emeritus, Proud member PR Gynocracy
Nice. Love this.
would love to hear RMN and jDub do this on the radio.
The Martha Stewart of processed foods.
Super Overlady Of the Ubaldo Lovers Club.
Proud Member of the PR gynocracy.
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That would indeed be entertaining.
Thanks.
Science! It means whatever you want it to!
by realmenwearpurple on Jun 16, 2011 1:38 PM MDT up reply actions
You, my friend, have won Purple Row for quite some time.
We have to find a way to get this up to SBN.
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Purple Row - For all of your Colorado Rockies-related needs
Learn about Batting Metrics
Learn about Pitching Metrics
by Andrew Martin on Jun 16, 2011 1:11 PM MDT up reply actions
Thanks for your praise
I will read that email and get on it as soon as I get home, hopefully ~630 EST. I don’t have access to my personal email when at work. Fortunately, yesterday and this morning I had some free time while waiting 45 minutes for huge CAD files to load from our awful server.
Science! It means whatever you want it to!
by realmenwearpurple on Jun 16, 2011 1:37 PM MDT up reply actions
/applauds
We're trying to win a (#)(*@$%#)@#&$#)^ argument here!!!!
In line for seats at the Grand Junction Rockies 2012 home opener
I was waiting for some Rex Brothers confusion as well
“How can you have two people pitch at the same time?”
Hey Baseball Gods. FINE!!! IT HURTS!!! I HAVE SACRAFICED ALL MY TACOS TO YOU!!! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!!!!
This is very well done. The last line was a perfect ending and left it open for a sequel. Were doomed. Our that's our catcher. BRILLIANT!
There is nothing like a game of pitch and catch. 40,000 fans in purple and black can't be wrong. What's it amount to? Our Colorado Rockies.
How do you get your kids to behave? Threaten not to take them to a Rockies game. They straighten up REAL QUICK.































