For the third year in a row, the Rockies are going into the winter following a disappointing season. With no real plan for the future, the franchise seems to be flopping around in quicksand, desperately clinging to whatever branch can pull them out. I know a lot of people are down on the Monforts these days so I have created a list of ten things they can do to turn around the fortunes of the franchise.
1. Happy Hour
The new rooftop bar is a start. We need a full implementation here. Why not add a dance floor in club level and a beer garden in the center field fountains. The left field playground is nice but it could use some volleyball courts. The sound system is already there for a killer party and drink specials will bring the fans flocking through the gates. Whatever it takes, the goal is for as few fans as possible to pay attention to what is happening on the field.
2. More Mascots
What’s better than Dinger? Two Dingers. Opposing closers already intimidated by one jiggling dinosaur will not be able to withstand two. The most exciting part of every Rockies rally is seeing what particular move Dinger will bust out on each pitch. Maybe with ten Dingers we will be able to match the mystique of the Giants and Dodgers. If San Diego can put a sandbox in home run territory than we can do this.
3. Start a Nursing Home
Roy Oswalt, Jason Giambi, Jamie Moyer. Those are just a few of the older players the Rockies have employed recently, with varying success. A good franchise gives its players every opportunity to succeed and if that includes assisted living than so be it. A home should be installed a few blocks from Coors Field, with live in nurses to provide the players with all the Bengay and HGH they need. Best of all the guys will be close at hand when we inevitably call them out of retirement for management positions.
4. Swap the Sky Sox
Are you telling me the Sky Sox can’t do better than a 1-8 road swing through the West Coast? Move the Sky Sox to Lincoln, Nebraska and have them do nothing but hit curve balls. When it's time for the Rockies to leave Coors Field, we’ll swap the teams and let the Sky Sox hit the road. That’ll free up the Rockies to focus on mashing at home. This home and road consistency should lead us to a division title.
5. Hire a Yogi
It’s no secret that the Rockies have been decimated by injuries the last few years. Modern healthcare is clearly not helping this team so why not go the opposite direction. Hire a yogi and put his office next to Bill Geivett’s in the clubhouse. He’ll offer regular classes on meditation and Kundalini Yoga, and we’ll add a Japanese peace garden and incense towers into the locker room. With mind, body, and soul aligned nothing will stop our guys. What’s the pressure of a division race compared to the absolute peace of nirvana? This needs to happen now. If nothing else it will look great as one of the Rockies yearly commercials.
6. Fan Ombudsman
Hey we’re all busy, we can’t get out to the ballpark as often as we would like. The fans need someone they can turn to when it’s mid-August and the Rockies are starting nine guys that sound like they came from a baseball video game. We need some background on these guys when Jeff Manship is getting the start, or Eliezer Alfonso is batting fourth. Hell, maybe we should just put Dinger at second base.
7. Manager Decisions
Walt Weiss is a solid decision maker but we need some dynamic managing to light a fire under this team. Rockies fans have proven themselves students of the game many times over on Toyota Talk. Why not turn managerial decisions over to them? Root Sports can post a poll asking whether to pinch-hit for Chacin, or bring in Brothers in the 8th. Should we see if Arenado can steal third? Should we throw at Buster Posey with nobody on in the first? Either way, I believe Larry in Longmont knows what it takes to lead us to the top.
8. Uniform Changes
I love the purple as much as anybody but a uniform redesign could turn this team around. We should take a page out of Pittsburgh’s book and adopt the same colors for all our teams. Adopting blue and orange uniforms would fit perfectly with all those amazing sunsets that everyone loves about Coors Field. I know Tulo would look rockin' in a bright orange vest. Plus we might pick up some stray Broncos fans by mistake.
9. Aggressive Baserunning
Anybody who watches the Rockies regularly knows that nothing has you reaching for the bottle of Pepto faster than a RISP situation with less than two outs. Chris Nelson has shown us that stealing home is an underutilized aspect of the game. I propose we get aggressive on the base paths and take the bats out of our hitters' hands. Are we going to sit back and watch a rally die? Double-steals, triple-steals, steals of home, whatever it takes to avoid that bases loaded strikeout. If you’ve seen the movie 42 you know that dancing around off the bag drives the pitcher to distraction every time. Just ask Kolten Wong.
Everyone knows that we have the best clubhouse culture in the league. The Cardinals for example are full of mindless drones that are deactivated between games. The Red Sox found their players in a Tennessee penitentiary. Sure we may have finished last this year but did you know that Cargo makes a great dinner companion and Michael Cuddyer takes photographs. If you need proof just look at 2012. We signed a bunch of O’Dowd’s character guys and made it all the way to May before packing it in. Clearly we need just a few more of those type of guys and we should be set for the season. Is Jim Thome still available?