Today in Rockies History - 12/3/13

Doug Pensinger

Hey, folks! I haven't had the occasion to post much around these parts lately. Lot of reasons. But I felt compelled to post on a very dark day, today. I know you all don't allow profanity around here (that's one of those above reasons, frankly) so I just wrote what I was feeling and edited down the naughty words. Luckily there weren't many of them! Anyway...

I feel like Dan O'Dowd just took a (spit) in my mouth.

Usually I try and see the logic in everything. Usually I'm the last guy to freak out because usually there seems to be some rationale behind every decision, and whether I agree with it or not, I like to at least think I can make myself see it. And so it's gone for every Rockies trade over the last fourteen (everlasting) years, from the big deals like the Walker and Ubaldo trades to the little ones. And usually I come away with a small understanding of what the Rockies see in the players they're getting in return, and what they're maneuvering to do next.

And I can't do it this time. I can't come up with the excuse for this craven and incompetent front office this time. Even though there obviously is a plan – it's just a (gosh-danged) idiotic one.

The Rockies traded an above-average big league center fielder and lead-off man in his mid-20s with bonafide on-base skills – a rare commodity on this roster – to save six million bucks so they could go sign a first baseman who can't field, can't run, and hasn't hit worth a (roseblossom) since 2010, along with a (fungible) middle reliever to be named later.

Are these (rear-end)clowns (totally) kidding me?

The minute I saw the trade on Twitter I kept waiting for more names to magically appear out of the 140 characters because, I mean, I'm not an idiot, I know how to find Baseball Reference, and as such I know all I need to know about Brandon (slide whistle) Barnes and Jordan (longer slide whistle) Lyles, which is two things – one, that they (sure as shootin') suck, and two, that the two of them don't add up to one Dexter Fowler.

It was obvious Fowler was out the door as soon as he got the old Seth Smith treatment from O'Dowd in that (non-sexual massage) of an interview Dave Krieger published a few days back. And OK, fine, you don't want to fall in love with your own guys, and while I've enjoyed watching Fowler play, he's not a superstar and certainly not an untouchable. When the rumor bubbled up two days later that Fowler might go to Kansas City for a single middle reliever – Tim Collins or Aaron Crow or whoever – I flipped my (excrement) because I felt like Fowler was worth a whole lot more than that.

And right now, I'd (completely) KILL for Tim Collins or Aaron Crow. Just one of them. Because either of those guys would have brought more to the 2014 Colorado Rockies than Lyles or (there's the slide whistle again) Barnes.

Brandon Barnes (absolutely) SUCKS. This is not up for debate. You OPS .635 as a 27 year-old, you're a terrible (horn honk) baseball player. You go 11-for-22 as a base stealer, you make Fowler, who wasn't great shakes on the bases himself, look like Lou (dial tone) Brock. You walk 21 times in 445 PA, you're basically Clint Barmes with tattoos and one different letter in your last name. That's awfully (gol' durned) convenient, by the way.

If Brandon (not his middle name) Barnes is on your team and getting at-bats, you have a dog-(dookie) baseball team. Exhibit A – the team he was on last (golly-gee) year who just made the kind of upgrade in center field that I'd make if I traded my 94 Honda Civic in for a Mazda 3.

And then there's Jordan Lyles. The key to the deal. He of a 5.9 K/9 rate as a 22 year-old. Spare me the tale of woe – 'oh, he was rushed to the bigs' – I don't give a (rip), that just means there's ample evidence at the big league level that he ain't worth two (pennies). Except that one game last year where he threw seven innings of one-run ball against the Rockies, which must have made O'Dowd's (smile) quiver just so. Call it the 'Greg Reynolds Rule'. "Hey, I saw him once and he was good – let's go get him!"

I will say one thing in this kid's favor – he knows he's doomed. Love that he told the Denver Post: "I'm not a flame-thrower and I don't have the biggest sinker," Lyles said. "What I do best is locate and throw a variety of pitches. ... When I'm out there, I try to let the defense do it's work. It's a big challenge, but there are a lot of things I have a chance to learn, so I'm looking forward to it."

Translation: "Hey, Section 154, you should definitely all bring your gloves when I'm pitching!"

Not only were these two (utter failures) worth Fowler, Jeff Luhnow got the Rockies to kick in a PTBNL! Holy (bleep), Jeff Luhnow is a brazen (monster humper) - "Naw, your starting center fielder isn't good enough for these two guys who will be on the Oklahoma City Redhawks next season – we need something else to sweeten the pot." And O'Dowd did it! That is some Richie Incognito-level coercion on Luhnow's part. Game recognize game.

So Dexter Fowler's gone, and Bill Geivett's (horse leavings) about "This wasn't a salary dump, but it was done to clear salary," had barely left the Denver airwaves – another (non-sexual massage) from Krieger, BTW – before the Rockies got their top free agent prize – Justin "I'm one concussion away from saying '(Screw) this (nonsense)' and retiring to a cabin in Moose Jaw" Morneau.

In case you haven't noticed – and don't worry, O'Dowd sure the (fudge) hasn't – Justin Morneau hasn't hit in four years. He's more hopeless at the plate against left-handed pitching than Dinger would be. He runs like a three-legged Kodiak bear and fields like the girl from Pi Phi you only let on to the co-ed intermural softball team because she had big (personality). But hey, he's buddies with the franchise's Assistant to the Regional Manager, Michael Cuddyer, so welcome to Denver, Justin! Keep your head out of the way of those high heaters! Hey, maybe next time he gets his bell rung, when he comes to somebody can maybe convince him it's 2006 again.

The Rockies TRADED DEXTER FOWLER SO THEY COULD SIGN JUSTIN MORNEAU. This would have made sense in a more innocent time before One Direction and Obamacare. This is not that time. Now we get to watch as O'Dowd and Geivett parade a broke-down former MVP in front of the cameras and declare themselves satisfied with the offseason. Which means we also get to watch this team lose 90 (turkey stuffing) games again next year.

I hate this (forsaken) team.

Eat. Drink. Be Merry. But the above FanPost does not necessarily reflect the attitudes, opinions, or views of Purple Row's staff (unless, of course, it's written by the staff [and even then, it still might not]).

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