Purple Hazed Ideas No. 11: T-Shirt arms race

Ethan Miller

Wouldn't it be nice if we had an arms race for delivering happiness instead or turmoil? Well we can if we could only start a t-shirt arms race!

I saw Jon Oliver claim in a stand-up bit once that nothing can inspire more unbridled, uncontainable joy than a t-shirt cannon.

Finding nothing questionable about this, I began to wonder about the invention of the t-shirt cannon -- it's theoretical progressions and technological advancements - and it occurred to me that in an age where people claim that Americans don't make anything anymore, that our manufacturing lags and our productiveness dwindles, we need an arms race.

But I am a pacifist, so...we need a t-shirt arms race.

Why has militarized t-shirt distribution technology stopped? Is there a government initiative I am unaware of? Do the makers of these cannons have a proprietary monopoly on the production, sale, and use of all devices designed specifically for the launching or projectile t-shirts that people are much more excited to receive than to wear?

Something hazy is going on here.

If this were a research article you would soon start reading about the long and illustrious history of the t-shirt cannon. But this is Purple Hazed Ideas. So buckle up or up or buckle down or otherwise prepare in ways that require buckles...FOR THE T-SHIRT WARS!

T-Shirt Automatic Rifle (San Francisco Giants):

As a result of having 4,782,319 (approx.) consecutive sell-out games at one of the most beautiful ballparks in the world in San Francisco, the Giants decide to optimize their t-shirt distribution with rapid-fire single-pump action.

Lou Seal (Seriously? Wait who am I kidding, no one has a worse mascot than the Rockies) takes field and unleashes round after round of t-shirt goodness in every direction ensuring a higher quantity of fans (at least in the lower sections) go home happy...or, y'know, with t-shirts.

T-Shirt Grenade (Miami Marlins):

The Miami Marlins, noticing that they have some spare...um...space...in their ballpark during games, develop a way to make sure that the clusters of fans can each receive the t-shirt of their wildest hopes and dreams... dreams of clothes they will never wear.

The T-Nade (fake Jeffrey Loria in my head nicknamed it the T-Nade) can be deployed Billy the Marlin (jeez mascots are lame) or shoot out of one of the absurd contraptions they've rigged beyond their outfield fence. Upon landing and subsequent detonation of a small cluster, t-shirts spring in every direction blanketing an entire section of fans - which in Miami is like 37 people.

T-Shirt Seal Team (Chicago Cubs):

Out of the vines of Wrigley Field, comes Seal Team T! With pinpoint accuracy and swift (yet gentle) shots, they can target the kids specifically! Okay if this hadn't sounded mildly horrifying before it probably does now but its t-shirts and this is PHI so like Wily Wonka would say..."onward!"

The Chicago Cubs decent money and seemingly much smarter management team these days (Theo Epstien and Jed Hoyer) net them a valuable ally in the Great T-Shirt War of 2016 (I guess) as the seal team smuggles shirts into the possession of unsuspecting "victims" and target with extreme accuracy the people who deserve shirts the most.

T-Shirt Tank (Colorado Rockies):

The Colorado Rockies decide that they need a t-shirt weapon that can launch shirts across vast outfields and into Rockpiles and Party Decks. In all the extra money raised from said deck of perpetual party, the Monforts purchase the T-Shirt Tank and deploy its awesome range.

The tank makes sure that any fan, regardless of the quality of their seats, may wind up in mediocrely designed cotton heaven. All the fans at Coors Field will be on their feet -- from the highest decks on the infield to the back of the Rockpile -- knowing they could be the one. And who knows, a shirt or two may even end up on Blake Street for some of those fine vendors!

T-Shirt Battleship Fleet (Sand Diego Padres):

I see nothing that could go wrong from having ships outside the stadium firing t-shirts into the stadium. Nope, feels like a sound idea to me. For the seafaring people of San Diego, and their hometown Navy heroes, it was the only thing that made sense. Well that or sharks with frickin' t-shirt lasers on their heads. But come now, lets not be silly...

T-Shirt Bomber (New York Yankees):

Not be outdone...by anyone. The New York Yankees go way overboard and enlist a squadron of good ole fashioned American fighter jets. They not only deliver a seventh inning fly-by for every game at Yankee Stadium (in this world), but also drop copious amounts of t-shirt cargo on the people of New York. And then Oprah jumps out yelling, "you get a shirt, and you get a shirt! Ever-y-body get a shiiiiiiiirt!!"

They can afford nice things.

Everyone on this list (and probably everybody else) should get to work on this right away. You'll need to make sure your powerful weapon is awesome and intimidating. We wouldn't want there to be a t-shirt doomsday gap! I mean, they're about to clobber us! Look at the big board!

Oh! And make sure your highly advanced weaponry doesn't hurt/kill anyone or you will ruin this whole thing for everyone. How hard can it be to soften the blow of a t-shirt out of a tank anyway?

Have any of your own? Share!

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