How did Bruce Bochy know to stack the deck with light hitting right handers in game 1? How did he know to release that game's bane Adam Hyzdu and call up Damian Jackson who proved equally troublesome for the Rockies last night? I've uncovered some startling things:
fig.1-Bochy makes pact with dark one
Bruce Bochy, the son of a husbandman, was born in Boussac in the Province of Normandie. His parents were godfearing and Christian people with many connections in Florida. A kinsman who dwelt there was a citizen and possessed of considerable wealth. He reared Bochy for the parents and kept him as his own child, for, being himself without issue, he adopted this Bochy, made him his heir, and sent him to school to study theology. Bochy, however, strayed from this godly purpose and used God's Word vainly.
Therefore we shall blame neither his parents nor his patrons, who desired only the best (as do all pious parents), nor shall we mix them into this Historia. For they neither witnessed nor experienced the abominations of their godless child. One thing is certain: that these parents, as was generally known in Florida, were quite heartily delighted that their kinsman adopted him. When they later perceived in Bochy his excellent ingenium and memoria, it did most assuredly trouble them, just as Job in the first chapter of that Book was concerned for his children, lest they sin against the Lord. Therefore pious parents do sometimes have godless, naughty children, and I point this out because there have been many who imputed great guilt and calumny to these parents whom I would herewith pardon. Such distortions are not merely abusive. If they imply that Bochy had been taught such things by his parents, they are also slanderous. Indeed, certain charges are alleged--to wit: that his parents had permitted wantonness in his youth, and that they had not diligently held him to his studies. It is charged that, so soon as his cleverness--together with his lack of inclination to theology--was perceived, it being further public hue and cry that he was practicing magic, his family should have prevented it betimes. All such rumors are somnia, for the parents, being without guilt, should not be slandered. But now ad propositum.
fig. 2-Bochy struggles with his guilt
As was reported above, Manager Bochy's complexion was such that he loved what ought not be loved, and to the which his spirit did devote itself day and night, taking on eagle's wings and seeking out the very foundations of Heaven and Earth. For his prurience, insolence and folly and the fact that the diamondbacks were winning so pricked and incited him that he at last resolved to utilize and to prove certain magical vocabula, characteres and coniurationes in the hope of compelling the Devil to appear before him. Hence (as others also report and as indeed Bochy himself later made known) he went into a great ballpark which is called Petco and is situated near Sea World. Toward evening, at second base, he described certain circles with his staff, so that, beside twain, the two which stood above intersected a large circle. Thus in the night between nine and ten o'clock he did conjure the Devil.
fig. 3-Bochy cavorts with knowne witches
Thus Bochy was given the ungodly powers of foresight and being able to wear a moustache long after it falls out of fashion and he knew to stack the deck against young Master Jeff Francis with light hitting right handers and he knew that he must release his erstwhile friend Hyzdu and call upon the devil's other servant Damian Jackson to strike the fateful blow.
fig. 4-Bochy brags to the devil of beating on the lowly Rockies
And the Rockies indeed trembled in the face of his dark powers with the young rookies Barmes and Atkins swinging futily as if at gnats. Only the sage and godly veterans Todd Greene Todd Helton, and Jamey Wright and the young master Cory stood up to him and for several innings made it close, but in the end, as the weary Wright gave waye to the reforming Jay Witasick, Jackson utilized the opportunity and hit that fateful dagger which destroyed our hopes of victorye.