Dodgers Score Big With Rockies Fans

Arizona: The Diamondbacks need pitching behind Brandon Webb, and what better way to do that then get the greatest former Rockies pitcher of them all, Pedro Astacio. That's right, little Pedro is available right now, and if the D-backs sign him to a modest contract along the lines of the one the Dodgers gave Pierre, it would absolutely thrill Rockies fans to cheer him on every time he took the mound against us.

What? You are worried that might not be quite enough? Okay. Well, I wasn't going to let you in on this, but since you are so insistent, I have the deal for you. Right now, for a limited time only, we will be willing to give you a future former Rockie in Josh Fogg for the small price of Justin Upton and Micah Owings. Think about it. You already have one stud center fielder, why on earth would you need two? And think of the joy of headline writers: Fogg in the Desert, and such. You can't get that kind of material with a name like Owings.

San Diego: The Padres as I alluded to above were very kind to Rockies fans last season by hiring not only Vinny and EY, but also such luminescent former Rockies as Mark Bellhorn and Todd Walker. Alas, how the mighty have fallen! Right now, their former Rockie factor is severely lacking. Do you think it was your pitching that brought you the division crown last year, San Diego? No. It was your unquestioning willingness to employ washed-up, er, make that "vintage" Rockies. You don't believe me? Well, look what your team did when you had all these ex-Rockies (win the division title) versus what it did when you let most of them go (lose to the Cardinals). Repent now by re-signing EY to fill your hole at second. Or Todd Walker if you prefer the "young ones".
P.S. I think it would also help your bullpen if you nabbed Ray King, but that's just me.

San Francisco: Giants, Giants, Giants. I have the perfect gift for you, too. See, that's how this Beloved Ex-Rockie Factor works; it's a win-win: we get, you get. I know you're struggling right now trying to come up with solutions to fill various vacancies in your lineup and rotation and you are driven to distraction by these spiralling contracts. Ignore them. The answers are simple and pretty cheap, here's my five step plan to bring joy to our faces and yours:

1. Need to replace Jason Schmidt? Answer: sign Shawn Chacon. He was a Yankee once, you know. Very valuable that.
   
2. Need to replace Barry Bonds? Ooh, tricky. But since you love aging outfielders with big bats so much, I've got a solution there, too, that you'll love since it's a familiar face not only to us, but to you. Ellis Burks. What? Who cares if he's out of baseball. Bring him back. You can do it. I know you can.
   
3. What about right field? Now that Moises Alou's a Met, I know you have problems there too, so let me suggest a guy from the other side of the Bay: Jay Payton. Brilliant, I know, you can thank me later. But wait, there's more.
   
4. Your infield has a couple of holes too, let me be the first tell you that you already have the solution at first right under your noses in Mark Sweeney. He's just brimming with former Rockie goodness, and do you honestly think in your hearts that he's worse than Pedro Feliz? Honestly?
   
5. Finally, for second base, another surprise reunion for both of us: He's daffy, He's scrappy, He's Neifi! I know it might seem difficult to sway the Tigers to part with his veteran goodness, but all it will take is a spare arm you have floating around in droves over there, like Jonathan Sanchez let's say. Easy as pie! Ooh, and you know what would be a perfect topping: To replace Sanchez, re-sign Jamey Wright! Bonus!