We Will Rock You


Why the Rockies Will Win the National League West,

the Pennant, and Ultimately the World Series


Now, this story is no scientific observation, “professional opinion”, or specific statistics on why we have the best team and contains no graphs showing why we will win it all (though I am sure you can find those stories and numbers).


This is a breakdown of the way we could beat every team in the MLB- it’s all in our name. For this illustration, imagine if the name of our team (the Rockies for the Rocky Mountains) were uprooted and dropped on the other teams’ names. The Rockies would smash them all…


NL West


Dodgers: What is a Dodger? One that dodges. But this year, the dodgers won’t be able to dodge the Rockies, and thus be smashed by us!


Giants: No matter how tall the Giants may think they are, the 14,000 foot Rocky Mountains will be bigger and slay them.


Diamondbacks: The Diamondbacks aren’t fast enough to slither by us, and are no match for the Rocky Mountains. (Squish!)


Padres: Unless the Padres start praying a lot for hitting, pitching, and faith, they won’t be able to move these mountains.


 NL Central


Cardinals: Little red birds. Humph. Even though they may be able to sing, a mountain dropped on them will win.


Cubs: Little teddy bears. Even if they were real bears, it wouldn’t matter; a live cub would be equally destroyed as a teddy bear if a mountain were dropped on it.


Brewers: Bet they can’t brew Rockahol. (Smash!)


Reds: Okay, we all agree that purple is better than red, right? Oh, good. So then purple mountain majesties are definitely better than Reds.


Astros: Astronauts could walk on the moon, but what if a mountain was dumped on them? Once again, advantage: Rockies.


Pirates: Pirates need the sea to survive. They wouldn’t be able to survive in the mountains, much less smashed under one.


NL East


Phillies: People who live in Philadelphia; still would suffocate if they found themselves trapped under a mountain.


Braves: Great Native American warriors or really, really brave people are no match for a mountain. (Squish!)


Mets: Metropolitans: people living in metropolitan New York are still mortal beings and still have no chance.


Marlins: Fish. Yes, like the dad fish on Finding Nemo. Mountains will pulverize them.


Nationals: People living in this great nation (I think that’s what Nationals are) still are smashable.



AL East


Yankees: People who yank, or members of the Union army won’t be able to yank hard enough, and the Rockies will prevail.


Red Sox: Socks. Ugly, smelly red ones at that. A whole store full of socks don’t even compare to mountains.


Rays: Mountains are immune to the stings of devil rays. Sting rays are not immune to mountain smashes. So there.


Blue Jays: Little blue birds that live on mountains, and can’t survive under them.


Orioles: Little orange birds. (Golly, what’s with all the birds?) Orange birds will not fare better than red or blue birds!


AL Central


Twins: Young, old, innocent, or vicious; still die when crushed by a mountain.


White Sox: What an original name. Socks that are white. Ooookaay, mountains definitely win.


Indians: Still human beings, still mortal, still, advantage: Rockies.


Tigers: Will probably kill you if you are unarmed, but not if you have a mountain with you. (Crush!)


Royals: Not really royals: they don’t even wear the royal color! These fake royals will bow down to the mountains that are the royal color!



AL West


Angels: Celestial beings, sometimes called the Halos. Halo is a video game in which the characters can die, right? So then, our Rockies still have found a way to crush the opposition.


Athletics: Ones who are athletic. It doesn’t matter how athletic you are, when you are smashed under a mountain, your body will be mangled.


Mariners: People of the sea. Yeah, you guessed it. Won’t survive when smashed by one of the Rockies.


Rangers: Named after the Texas Rangers of old who were still, mortal human beings. (Smash! Crush!)


As you can see, the Colorado Rockies have the awesomest name, and that’s on what I’m basing my prediction. But haven’t we had the same name for 18 years? Why haven’t we won the Division or World Series sooner? Well, this year, it all comes together. Read all the stories, expert opinions, and statistics: all those things that make our team great this year, combined with our awesome name, makes us the team to beat. If the other teams can.



Remember, you read it here: we will rock you. (Smash!)


Eat. Drink. Be Merry. But the above FanPost does not necessarily reflect the attitudes, opinions, or views of Purple Row's staff (unless, of course, it's written by the staff [and even then, it still might not]).

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