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Monday Rockpile: The REAL Cause For The Rockies' Underperforming Bats

The last several weeks have been just awful for Rockies bats. We've seen some life here and there and a couple of big games that have kept their numbers afloat, but for the most part, the team just isn't scoring runs. Some players are showing signs of life, such as Ty Wigginton, who has a .974 OPS over the past 14 days and Troy Tulowitzki's 1.055 OPS over the past 7 days, but we just saw another 2-1 loss that should've been a win.

Granted, Colorado was facing Ryan Vogelsong, who has inexplicably dominated every team he has faced except for the Mets (seriously). But the fact remains that this kind of offensive production cannot last, or there will be absolutely no hope for this club to make the postseason.

The team hasn't exactly taken this lightly, either. Ian Stewart didn't hang in the majors long in 2011 before being optioned to AAA Colorado Springs. Jose Lopez was DFA'd. There's been some mention of Dexter Fowler being demoted in place of Charles Blackmon.

The most frustrating part of this is that nothing seems to work. I mean, we can't really expect shuffling out bench players to upright the entire ship, but every move that's made has the hope to be that one move that shakes everything up, that sends the message, that sparks the lineup. Nobody REALLY expects Eric Young Jr to step in and turn an entire month of poor team batting around, but there's always that hope that coincidence might strike again and the team will start batting to their potential - all because of [random callup].

So barring injury or anything else happening of that nature, I propose the biggest shakeup of all: The Walkup Music.

For starters, Carlos Gonzalez and his .755 OPS needs to dump "Abusadora". Much as it's been his thing, he needs to embrace something totally different. Something kind of edgy but simultaneously over the top. Something like "Welcome To My Nightmare" by Alice Cooper. Well...maybe. It doesn't really fit him. Awesome, but not quite right. Maybe "La Despedida" by Daddy Yankee (because he's like the only other latin hiphop artist I could name)? Actually, you know who the last successful Rockies LF played? Scott Friggin' Stapp. Let's hear some "You Will Soar" and pretend that it's not awful.

Ryan Spilborghs, despite his last month of competent-to-good batting, needs to get rid of The Police. Last time we saw Spilly really punish opposing pitchers was in 2008. Hell, 2007 was pretty good, too. Only options: return to "The Sweet Escape" or "Thriller". Or even better, "Party Hard" by Andrew W.K. (yes, I just went there).

Dex: I love the Bel Div Devoe and the high fade, but it just isn't working for you. I seem to remember you doing well your rookie year, when Rockies fans were greeted by 50 Cent's "Stand Up". That not working for you? How about some heavily edited Rick Ross or something? The whole goofy retro hip hop thing only works if the team is kicking ass and you aren't on the verge of a DL stint or a trip to the minors.

Finally, Tulo. Yes, we get it, you have 14 year old girl fans who love the Biebs. If you have to play garbage music when you walk up, just go back to Miley Cyrus - at least we were used to that, and something about a .950 OPS. Or how about this: If we're going to tolerate a mullet or some other atrocious hairstyle, it'd better be accompanied by Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer".

If this doesn't work to fix the lineup, crap, I don't know what we'll do. I guess we'll just blame the players.

Off Topic


DL a possibility for Rockies’ Fowler | All Things Rockies — Colorado Rockies news — Denver Post
After his nasty slide into 1B, Fowler has some abdominal troubles that could land him on the 15-day DL. Renck surmises that it'd just be a day-to-day sort of thing, but 1. A short bench might force some hands, 2. Getting Charlie Blackmon to the majors could add to that magical spark of all the right players in all the right places (so yeah, we're going down), 3. Getting Dex out of the lineup might just be a great idea - both for the team, and maybe to just give him some time for reflection and meditation (or whatever players do to get back on track).


Nelson starts at second, CarGo to CF hasn’t been ruled out | All Things Rockies — Colorado Rockies news — Denver Post
Ok, the big thing here is that with Dexter Fowler a DL possibility, Carlos Gonzalez isn't stuck on the idea of him being a LF and only a LF. He'd make the move to CF if it'd help the team. If Blackmon gets the nod, we'd see corners mixed between Seth Smith, Ryan Spilborghs, Charles Blackmon, and possibly Ty Wigginton or Eric Young if Tracy feels the need to go righty-happy against a southpaw.

Renck also says that the challenge for the Rockies is to find the right combination of players and lineups to get the team back on track. I kind of chuckle at the thought of Dan O'Dowd and Bill Geivett wearing wizard hats and trying to perform the perfect alchemy to turn horse apples into gold.


Ian Stewart working hard to find his swing in Triple-A | News
Stewart has been working on making major adjustments to his swing down in AAA Colorado Springs. He's still striking out a whole bunch. I don't think it's all a lost cause or anything like that, but it's a tough adjustment to make. This is gonna be a long remedial stint, boys and girls. Let's hope he can make it back to the majors better than he ever was.

Funny side note: Stewart passes the time on long drives up and down I-25 by making long phone calls. I totally do this whenever I have a drive that's gonna be longer than 20 min.