Know Your Foe #44: Phillies Not Nearly As Bad As Earliest Indications Suggested

When I started preparing to write this article, I was simply SURE that the Philadelphia Phillies were 5th in the NL East and yet another "lol disappoint" team to match all the other disappointments in the NL this season. Even more amusing are the contracts that just add to the disappointment, but we'll rag on that later.

The part that surprised me was when I actually looked at the NL standings and found out that the Phillies, despite the fact that they aren't the worldbeaters their payroll and name recognition would suggest, are actually sitting in 3rd place in the East, ahead of the 4th place Mets and the 5th place Marlins.

Yes, friends, the Filadelfia Fillies are in dangerous risk of hitting .500 this season, a feat of monumental proportions for a team as sunk as Colorado.

Check their schedule by month:

Month by Month
Split	W	L	RS	RA	WP
April	11	12	76	78	0.478
May	16	13	145	133	0.552
June	9	19	124	146	0.321
July	10	13	91	108	0.435
August	17	12	112	108	0.586
September	3	2	23	15	0.6

Now look at ours:

Month by Month
Split	W	L	RS	RA	WP
April	11	11	113	112	0.5
May	10	18	150	167	0.357
June	9	18	131	169	0.333
July	7	17	83	127	0.292
August	16	13	142	143	0.552
September	3	2	27	18	0.6

See how close that is? We just had like 1 more bad month than them! OK, maybe 2, but whatever, we're NOT THAT BAD SOMEHOW.

OK, so upon further consideration, I really don't want to make fun of contracts. Yes, Ryan Howard is making a hilarious 4 Gazillion Dollars over the next 5 years or something like that and is never going to hit another home run again. LOLPHILZESZ! I feel like we've mocked the Phillies for that contract enough (impossible, but I'm going to sit on that).

But one guy on the Phillies is completely hilarious, as far as I'm concerned.

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Look at that stat line! Look at it! I don't think that stat line could possibly be any more "Juan Pierre" if you crossed out all of the numbers and literally wrote "Juan Pierre" in each of the categories.

Click past the jump, because I like to thing the next part is really interesting, because Juan Pierre.

The first hilariously Juan Pierre thing is Pierre's standard triple-slash line (AVG/OBP/SLG):

Juan Pierre
Year	AVG	OBP	SLG	OPS
2012	.299	.342	.360	.703
Career	.296	.345	.362	.708

Next, his plate discipline:

Juan Pierre
Year	SO	BB
2012	21	20
Career	446	448

Finally, his classic Run Production numbers:

Juan Pierre
Year	R	RBI
2012	48	22
Career	1028	506

Maybe I'm just being silly here, and maybe you don't understand why I find Juan Pierre so damn funny. Maybe it's the fact that his head is the size of a ripe navel orange and he has to wear his hat under his batting helmet so the damn thing fits. Maybe it's all of those loving stories we've heard about him over the course of his career rolling baseballs up the 3B line to see how they play for when he lays down one of his inevitable bunts up the 3B line. Maybe it's the fact that his no-walk, no-power, all-hits-and-hustle batting style has so many frustrated baseball writers who don't like anything beyond the classical numbers practically soiling themselves with excitement when they write about how much of a hard player Juan Pierre is.

For me, it's the consistency. I don't hate the guy, and he's a good baseball player. He's not THAT good, though, he's just incredibly annoying. (Anyone claiming he IS THAT good is probably trying to prove a point or rage against a machine or something.)

It's just the fact that everything about Juan Pierre's game says that his numbers should be flying all over the charts due to BABIP fluctuations and all that, but the man has never had a season where he's batted below .275, never one above .326, and never one above .800 OPS.

For that, I love him, and all of his pesky inefficiency.

Expected Pitching Matchups

Friday, September 7, 2012 5:05 PM MT

Jeff Francis vs Cliff Lee

Saturday, September 8, 2012 5:05 PM MT

Tyler Chatwood vs Cole Hamels

Sunday, September 9, 2012 11:35 AM MT

Drew Pomeranz vs Tyler Cloud

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