5. Injured Troy Tulowitzki
Show up to the party in full Tulo gear. Be a lot of fun initially; tell witty jokes, engage in games, and elevate the party to new heights. One might say you are the MVP of the first half of the party. As the second half rolls around, though, break out a red Sharpie and start to draw various injuries on yourself. A blood-red thigh or groin area is a good start. A fake hand injury would work well. Use you imagination. At this point you should confine yourself to an out-of-the-way couch and not participate in the party for the rest of the evening.
4. Rockies bullpen
This costume requires three or four buddies. Show up to the party late, when it's really going at full swing. Bring a jug full of gasoline and start spraying it everywhere. You will of course be thrown out of the party. Tag in your friend, who will enter the party and also spray gasoline everywhere. He will be kicked out. Have a third friend perform the same activity. The final friend will enter the party and toss a lit match in one of the larger puddles of gasoline.
When you are all gathered on the lawn while the fire department puts out the blaze, tell everyone what your costume was. They'll agree it was a pretty funny joke.
3. Wilin Rosario's Defense
Bring a basketball to the party. Pass it around a lot. A lot of passed balls. Passed balls. I dunno, not everything's going to be golden.
2. Fatty Mass With Tentacles
Interior, Rockies clubhouse. Carlos Gonzalez is sitting at a table eating a sandwich.
Enter Keith Dugger, Rockies trainer
Dugger: Hey Cargo, how's it going man?
Cargo: Pretty good, just enjoying some lunch. What's up Keith?
Dugger: Well I wanted to talk to you about your finger. How's it feeling?
Cargo: A lot better actually. I think I might be able to return to the lineup in a couple days.
Dugger: Good! I'm glad to hear you feel confident. The thing is though...I'm a little concerned about the swelling.
Cargo: Yeah, I realize it looks bad, but I really think I'm over the hump.
Dugger: I dunno Carlos, that thing's at least 70, 80 pounds. I'm surprised you can even lift your arm. And some of the other guys are a little concerned by the tentacles. Nolan said the thing tried to--well, the words he used were, "grab me and try to suck me into its weird mouth hole."
Cargo: Oh, crud, yeah I've noticed things like that. It got my wife's cat the other day, but--
Dugger: your cat?
Cargo: --but with a little icing the swelling really goes down.
Dugger: Cargo, I appreciate your toughness here in trying to play through this, but I think you should see a specialist; I have his number right here. You really need to get that thing looked at. After all, it's looking like this season's not going to--WHOA, WAIT that thing just ate the rest of your sandwich!
Cargo: Damn, I was gonna finish that.
Dugger: That's it, I'm gonna have to insist--
Fatty Mass With Tentacles: CEASE YOUR INANE BABBLE YOU PATHETIC MORTALS. THE DAY OF RECKONING IS ALMOST AT HAND, WHEN YOUR SOULS WILL BE RIPPED FROM THOSE QUIVERING SACKS OF FLESH YOU CALL BODIES AND CAST INTO THE DEEPEST PITS OF BURNING HELLFIRE. THE DOOM OF YOUR ENTIRE PROFANE SPECIES IS NEAR.
Cargo: What was the number for the specialist?
1. Hunter Pence
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Halloween?src=hash">#Halloween</a> is tomorrow! For all you pumpkin carving procrastinators out there: <a href="http://t.co/A6ez4kV3OE">http://t.co/A6ez4kV3OE</a> <a href="http://t.co/6DMjj1TYzP">pic.twitter.com/6DMjj1TYzP</a></p>— Colorado Rockies (@Rockies) <a href="https://twitter.com/Rockies/status/527958184720203776">October 30, 2014</a></blockquote>
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By the way, that pumpkin on the left is totally mine, which I tweeted at the Rockies. But then they had to put it next to a pumpkin that's way better. Mine looks like crap in comparison. This team sometimes...