clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Know Your Foe: Brewers, round two. Sure hope it goes better this time

Scott Cunningham

Hey, we just did these guys. Boy, the baseball season gets boring this time of year when your team is out of it. Since our last Brewers KYF, the Crew swept the Rockies (boo hiss) and lost two of three to the resurgent Washington Nationals. The points made last week still stand: this is a good team. So in lieu of actual analysis, a one act play.

Int: Brewers clubhouse. The room is empty and the lights are dim. Jonathan Lucroy sits alone at a table, poring over a sheaf of papers spread across the surface. Carlos Gomez enters.

Gomez: Hey, Jon Boy. What're you up to man?

Lucroy: Practicing my taxes.

Gomez: What?

Lucroy: Practicing my taxes.

Gomez: Why on earth are you doing that? Tax season isn't for months.

Lucroy: Fiscal responsibility is a year-round obligation.

Gomez: Jonny, you're rich. I'm rich. We are all rich. People like us, we hire guys to do our taxes for us.

Lucroy: There's nothing more satisfying than taking ownership of your personal finances, believe me.

Ryan Braun enters

Braun: Hey Lou, burning the midnight oil?

Gomez: He's practicing doing his taxes. Can you believe that?

Braun: Haha, you're one of a kind Lou. Say, I know a guy in Florida that could definitely help you out, he'll get you some breaks that you wouldn't even dream of...

Gomez: Nah, Jon wants to take ownership of his personal finances. Hey Brauny, want to hit the cages?

Braun: uh, not right now. I need to take some, uh, vitamins. In private. Like, over there, out of sight. See you later.

Ryan Braun exits

Carlos Gomez pantomimes taking a swing, dropping the bat, and admiring a towering home run.

Gomez: Hey Jon, who we playing tonight?

Lucroy removes glasses, rubs his eyes.

Lucroy: We're playing the Colorado Rockies. They've lost eight of their last nine and are currently 35-43, 11 games back in the NL West. Left hander Christian Friedrich is on the mound today. He has a 6.00 ERA.

Gomez: Friedrich huh? Never heard of him.

Lucroy: You faced him literally five days ago. You hit a single.

Gomez pantomimes another swing.

Gomez: Whatever. I'm going yard tonight.

Lucroy: Y'know, it wouldn't hurt you to try to go the other way once in a while. Base hit to right, move some runners, help the average.

Gomez: Screw that. I'm going yard. All the way yard. As yard as a ball can possibly go, that's how yard I'm going.

Ryan Braun enters. His eyes are wide and he looks slightly wired.

Braun: Whoooo, I'm having a big game today gents, I can feel it. Swing feels good, body feels good, but you know what's more important? The mind feels good. The mind is a steel trap today, it's a Swiss watch, not missing a thing, not one thing. I know what pitch the pitcher's gonna throw before he even knows, I got this on lock down.

Gomez: So yard. Ding city, that's me today. 450 feet minimum.

Braun: That's what I want to hear! Gomey, I don't tell you this enough, but I dig your attitude, I dig it hardcore. Come in here for the real thing.

Braun and Gomez chest bump.

Braun: HAHAHAHA there it is! Who are we facing today?

Lucroy annoyed, Gomez excited, simultaneously: Friedrich!

Braun: Alright alright alright, I can get behind that, we destroy lefties, we mash those guys into oblivion. Hey Gomey, I'm gonna hit the cage, wanna come with?

Gomez: Hell yeah m'man!

Braun: Great! Hey look, it's Scooter. What's up Scoot?!

Scooter Gennett: Guys, look, I asked in Spring Training that y'all call me Steve, my real name, not--

Braun: HA! You kill me Scooter. Beep beep! Let's go Gomey.

Braun and Gomez exit.

Gennett, to Lucroy: I hate those guys.