We won the trade

Wow, can you believe it?

Three months ago the Rockies traded star shortstop and franchise cornerstone Troy Tulowitzki for pitchers Jeff Hoffman, Miguel Castro, and Jesus Tinoco.

You guys, I’m here to tell you we won that trade.

Throw Jeff Bridich a parade; we locked down the victory, ladies and gentlemen. Friday night, the Toronto Blue Jays were eliminated in the American League Championship Series by the Kansas City Royals and after the defeat I looked up Tulowitzki’s stats in this year’s playoffs to see if he was still the un-clutch goof we traded in July. Do you know what I found?

A .196 batting average with 14 strikeouts!

Do you know how many times Jeff Hoffman struck out in an ALCS? Zero times. Miguel Castro? Zero times. Jesus Tinoco? Holy cow you guessed it: zero times.

All three players added together have struck out 14 fewer times than Troy Tulowitzki in the postseason.

When it’s all said and done and the dust clears on this 2015 season with the crowning of the World Champion, the Rockies won’t be there. But you know who else won’t be there? The Blue Jays. You know where else the Blue Jays won’t be? At the We Won the Trade celebration because that’s an invite-only celebration that is reserved for the Rockies, baby!

Tulo’s un-clutchness is a registered fact among baseball aficionados; he just doesn’t have that clutch gene to him. The gene that lived inside the bones of Derek Jeter and grew in the cells of Reggie Jackson. That clutch malignancy that consumed Carlos Beltran and turned him from a man into a monster of clutch, a killer of your dreams.

If the moment is big, Tulo hops into the Ant-Man costume, pushes the button, and shrinks to the size of a tiny little ant. You know what ants are good at? Lifting heavy items, working as a team, creating massive tunnel systems that can stretch for miles. You know what ants are not good at? Baseball. Specifically clutch baseball moments. Put an ant in a big moment, put runners in scoring position in the late innings, and the ant will strike out 10 out of 10 times I guarantee it.

The biggest thing we can remember when it comes to the fact that Tulo is not clutch? Even if he gets a big hit, his team usually loses anyway. Congrats on never winning a World Series, Troy! It’s your blatant disrespect for the clutch bones that led to the Jays starting pitching having a 6.91 ERA in the ALCS, including David Price's seventh-inning meltdown and R.A. Dickey's garbage start.

We won the trade so easily it’s not even fair at this point; Bridich might as well write a diss track for Alex Anthopoulos and call it "Trade Bait." This is the equivalent of trading a holographic Blastoise for a $10 McDonald’s gift card in the year 2000, only for you to buy a Pokémon pack the next day and get another holographic Blastoise. You can’t lose. You have three McFlurry’s and a newer Blastoise card. You’re the king Jeff!

Some of you might point to the Jays record since acquiring Tulo, or to the division title they won and the eventual American League Championship in which they played. All of these things are better than things the Rockies have done since literally ever, you say. Well the Jays can hang their 2015 Division Title banner all they want; we’ll hang a banner of our own.

Oh that looks good, man. That looks hella good. I can’t wait to hang that next to the 2007 NL Champions banner next April as all the fans cheer. We freakin’ earned that banner!

Winning trades is a big deal in sports. Every trade you make is judged immediately and harshly by bloggers and newspaper writers from every angle. Remember the Ubaldo Jimenez trade? Man, we’re still talking about how we lost that trade. Or the Matt Holliday trade? We won that trade so freakin' hard you guys, that it set the team in motion to win ANOTHER trade when they ship out Carlos Gonzalez this winter in the rebuild.

Sports are all about competition; even the Twitter accounts of teams are ranked. You might as well chalk up the wins when you can, and we chalked up a big win in this Tulowitzki trade. I’m so stoked.

July 27 was a dark day in Rockies history for me. My favorite player was traded away from the team for three pitchers I had never seen. But I’m way past that now. Just like my high school ex-girlfriend that I’m totally not still in love with, I don’t think about Tulo at all! It’s why I’m writing this, it’s just to show that I don’t care about Troy! He’s not on my mind any second of any day! Stop talking about him!

Do you know why I'm over Troy? Because we won the trade, baby! Just like Tommy Maddox being XFL MVP, nobody can ever take that away from us!