Welcome to the very first Football Friday, which is actually a baseball column written by Connor. I'm Connor. Each week, we’ll be diving into pop culture happenings, Rockies news, some good opinions from Rockies people on Twitter, and maybe even some reader mail if I decide you are worthy of my attention.
Please email email@example.com with any and all good questions, opinions and inquiries you have for me. Please do not send recipes for chicken salad, as I do not like chicken salad.
Another missed opportunity for the city of Denver this week, you guys.
After a long consideration, the Real Housewives franchise selected Dallas—and not Denver—as the next city to be featured on the voyeuristic reality show that depicts the lives of the extremely rich for our entertainment. The rich lady drama has long been a staple of Bravo's programming and this news that the next season will be set in Dallas was the click gathering headline on many a website. My favorite part of the show is when one of the Real Housewives gets mad at another Real Housewife for sending a passive aggressive text message about her husband. I don’t remember what season it was on, but it was good TV.
In other ‘free agents not coming to Denver’ news the Rockies did not land the winning bid for Korean first baseman Byung-Ho Park, it was announced Monday. The bat flip king of Korea was won by the Minnesota Twins on a bid of $12.85 million, and even though the Rockies were one of the final teams eliminated, it’s unknown if the Rockies were in the final stages of the bidding process or ... even if they placed a bid at all.
Between Park and the rich, poofy haired ladies of Bravo, Denver couldn’t seem to land anything of note this week. The news that Park wouldn’t be enjoying a two bedroom condo in RiNo coming right as Denver heard we wouldn’t get to see some lady who just wants to know why her friends are going to fancier dinners than her was like an X-Triangle-Square-R2-Square-X combo in Mortal Kombat. That simile works if you understand that I don’t know how Mortal Kombat combos work, and I also don’t understand how the bid system works for either of the processes that I’m comparing to it.
But at least it’s that time of year again! Free agency time! While the Broncos inevitably disappoint us through the cold winter months, the Rockies are primed to anger thousands of fans on Facebook and Twitter by not signing every good player available.
It’s not that I don’t think the Rockies should be spending money on high profile free agents in the second year of a three year rebuild plan; it’s that the hope everyone seems to pin on the club to suddenly become a high-profile free agent team is dumb. If you keep putting your hopes on the Rockies to suddenly, drastically change its strategy into the one you barf about with your friends over PBR and chicken wings, then of course you’ll be let down. It’s like gathering your friends together to whine about The Walking Dead killing someone with zombies. That's what zombies do, they kill people you like, so quit whining about people getting eaten and accept that you watch a TV show where members of the undead are a main plot point.
Please do not get mad at me in the comments.
The Good Opinion of the Week™
Each week, I will personally scour Rockies-related Twitter feeds for good opinions on food, music, movies, or maybe even bottled water. I will feature anything that I look at and think "wow, that is a good opinion." This week, the good opinion comes from Rockies radio play-by-play broadcaster and analyst Jerry Schemmel. Jerry is an extremely talented broadcaster who’s worked with both the Nuggets and Rockies, and he and Jack Corrigan are an amazing duo for KOA on summer nights.
Here’s Jerry’s tweet:
Hey! Good advice! Be nice to nerds because they’re legitimately going to be your boss someday.
I would take it a step further and say "be nice to everyone because what if they’re already your boss in disguise?" What if that guy you flipped off in the parking lot is actually your boss Linda wearing a mustache? What if that lady you cut in line at Panda Express is actually your boss Harold wearing a wig and a dress that accentuates curves you never knew he had?
Point is, don't waste time just being nice to nerds because they COULD be your boss when you should be nice to everyone because you never know when it’s a master plan by your employer to trick you into being rude to them so they can fire you.
Good opinion, Jerry.
Welcome to the mailbag portion of the show, where every week I’ll read what you degenerate jerks have to say to me. You better make it good.
Our first email this week is from James A who writes:
Hey I have a question, why do your columns suck so much?
James, why don't you suck an egg buddy.
Our next email is from Cole H:
I want to know why you're such a butthead. Please explain this in your next column.
What the hell, guys?
Our next email is from Bob from Boulder who asks:
Would you still root for the Rockies if they moved to Montreal or San Antonio (like they should do?!)
-Bob from Boulder
No, Bob, I wouldn't. I don't cheer for foreign teams and I also don't think I could root for a team in Montreal.
Next up, a question from a Rockies Anonymous Commenter who says:
...I think y'all are part of not only the Monforts shill machine but also part of a vast conspiracy that is covering up Benghazi.. Benghazi explains everything about Bridich and the Rockies.
I'm beginning to regret tweeting out the link to my email address.
My final email is from Kevin B, who actually asked actual questions not like you jokers above:
What team is the next Kansas City? And what player do you want in your crew in da club?
The next Kansas City may not exist yet, but the idea behind the Royals development is sure to be a formula many rebuilding teams are going to take over the next five years. The building of a certain type and style of play from Rookie ball to Triple-A isn't new in baseball, but the aggressiveness to create a team identity that can translate to success in all facets of the game is an exciting story that baseball is writing.
The Royals didn't spurn analytics like so many people claim, but they used them in a new way, to pinpoint and attack every teams' weakness and force them into mistakes. I think a team like the Brewers or even the Rockies could use this method of development to create the next champion, and it probably would work especially well for a smaller market team without a crazy budget.
As for your second question, I would without any doubt in my mind want Alex Rodriguez in my crew. The man is arguably the richest baseball player of all time, the Yankees have been paying him like a gazillion dollars since 2004 and he's still got that chin and that swagger that you know will get the ladies to your crew's spot. More than that, Alex looks like a dude who would appreciate a good banger, a man who knows how tough it is to coordinate a drop, and a man who knows how to live in the belly of the beat on that floor.
Thanks, everybody. Email me now at firstname.lastname@example.org to see your name in my next column. Please, this time, send better emails (and no chicken salad).
Has Connor Been Owned?
Each week, our team of investigators and officials here at Connor, Incorporated, will look into whether or not Connor was the victim of an "own."
For the uneducated, an own is often a comeback or put down that renders the person speechless and unable to turn the conversation around. It’s also described as a "serve" or "savage." I’m a medical miracle in that at no point in my life have I been owned by anyone online or in real life. Ever.
Here is what is being brought forth to the Committee of Owns this week as alleged evidence of my owning:
This was after the Rockies wished me a happy nachos day, and I suggested that maybe Charlie Blackmon could buy me a helmet full of nachos next year. The Rockies had other ideas.
The committee reached a decision rather quickly on this matter, and the decision is that I have still never been owned. Any attempts to convey information to the contrary of the findings of this committee—which are legally binding—will be met with swift and complete retribution through our justice system.
[Editor's note: Connor's takes should be seen as satire, but real people really are emailing him and you should, too. If you want to be included on next week's fun, email questions about sports, pop culture, or (almost) anything else to email@example.com.]