Christmas is in four days, but I know damn well that you still aren't done with your shopping. Thankfully, the Internet -- well, every retailer, really -- forgives that sort of crazy procrastination by allowing you to place orders, like, three hours before Christmas and still be able to receive your items in time.
Of course, that doesn't quite get you what you need; you still have to spend time figuring out what that special someone in your life actually wants because you spent too much time on your phone and not enough time listening this year. Thankfully, I listen -- all the time -- and I'm here to help you.
You probably stumbled across this fine piece of prose because either you are a Rockies fan or you're shopping for one. And it's your lucky day, because I've nailed down six last-minute gifts that are sure to have any Rockies fan jumping for joy this holiday season.
Colorado Rockies 4-Stripe Socks (Fanatics)
Nobody likes getting socks for Christmas (well, except for me, because if I had the money I would wear a brand new pair of socks every single day and would never wear any pair more than once), but these ones are lit. Now you know what I want for Christmas (and, being a guy of impeccable taste, that likely means the Rockies fan in your life wants them, too). Get on it!
Nolan Arenado Colorado Rockies Skootz Shadow Band (Fanatics)
As a Rockies fan, you know you've gotta keep it low key. You don't really want too many people to know that you support THE WORST FRANCHISE IN SPORTS, but you also can't stop loving the Rox and, especially, their star player. This seems like a pretty good way to accomplish all that.
Inexpensive but cool (?) gifts
Colorado Rockies 2016 Calendar (Amazon)
Something called "Perfect Timing" created this calendar. That's a pretty good name considering the guy on the cover of the calendar was traded five months ago. Alas, there are a few people around here who probably already jumped at the first chance they had to get their hands on this thing due to the coverboy. SMH.
Mile High Madness: A Year with the Colorado Rockies (Amazon)
This wildly entertaining book chronicling the Rockies' inaugural season was written by a guy -- Bob Kravitz -- who famously spent several months last winter trying to get Tom Brady thrown in prison. I obtained a copy signed by Kravitz and Don Baylor at a Denver bookstore a couple years ago but I also paid a pretty penny for it. I wish I would've realized at the time that stuff is available on the Internet for dirt cheap. Oh well.
The main event
Colorado Rockies Todd Helton Retrospective Plaque With Game-Used Dirt from Final Home Game (MLB.com Shop)
There's always a chance that this dirt includes spit or chew or hair from Charlie Blackmon's beard or maybe even something that came out of the horse the Rockies trotted onto the field and gave to Todd prior to his final game at 20th and Blake. This item will cost some money, but all of the Toddfather's Hall of Fame-caliber numbers will be on display in your sports room forever, so you've gotta pony (oh man!) up the cash.
San Francisco Giants Cleanup Hitter Crewneck Fleece by Majestic Athletic (MLB.com Shop)
Chances are your family members and/or friends are bad and someone hosts an ugly sweater party. I can't possibly think of an uglier sweater to wear than this one.