Our fearless leader Bryan Kilpatrick did the damn thing earlier this week with a late-shopper Colorado Rockies Christmas gift list. I would take every gift on that list, and then some, so if you feel like buying me some Rockies gear... it's not too late! I accept Christmas gifts all year 'round!
Fans, Internet commenters, and your favorite team of writers here at Purple Row aren't the only ones that deserve some holiday lovin', though; the Rockies themselves really should be given something this winter ... right?
Santa, if you're listening, all these folks have been nice (well, nice enough) and deserve some kind of reward this holiday season.
Corey Dickerson: Santa, let's start in this section of the Amazon bookstore and just kinda browse around in there. Stay away from the books with "aggressive" in the title; we should probably just go with the most conservative, sensible tips you can find. We'll even splurge for Amazon Prime. It's that important.
Charlie Blackmon: Chuck Nazty deserves the best this Christmas, and especially so if the best comes cheap. Santa, do your thing over here; they even have a wonderful video. Can you imagine Charlie starring in the next one?! It'd be even better than some of those classic Rockies TV commercials with Ryan Spilborghs and Dinger.
Miguel Castro, Carlos Estevez, Tyler Anderson: Santa, these three have birthdays on the 24th, 28th, and 30th of December, respectively. That sucks, because they don't get the normal gifts for each day like you would if your birthday were in June; instead, their whole lives, they've probably been getting one gift for both celebrations. So, whatever you were going to get them... double it. Put it on the Purple Row tab, we're good for it.
Dinger: Hey, Dinger should die. I'm not a Grinch for this, either. Dinger sucks and these are incontrovertible facts. But if we must get Dinger something, I think this is the most obvious (and needed) choice. Don't let him read this think-piece, either.
Also, maybe some of these so he can further adorn his stupid head. Oh, and nail him with a restraining order preventing the purple dino from getting within 100 feet of the seating section right behind home plate during the late innings of games. Man, I hate this dinosaur and he's getting three gifts this Christmas. Wow. Stupid Dinger.
Toothy, Bristles, and whomever the hell that third guy (girl?) is: I feel some type of way about these three, but I don't hate them as much as Dinger, so let's let them live. It's the holidays, right?! Santa, I hope Toothy and Bristles and whatever the hell is the name of the third one have some nice sneakers waiting for them under the Christmas tree. They're going to do a lot of running next year. And they'll probably be better at it than most of the Rockies' lineup.
Matt Gross: Santa, my buddy Matt needs everything — EVERYTHING — on this list.
Coors Field: The Party Deck is popular, right? Santa, if you got a second Party Deck for the team, would they sign a really good pitcher or two with the profits? Good? Great? Grand! Wonderful! All right! (Really though, Coors Field needs nothing. It is perfect in every way and my favorite Major League park, even accounting for, ya know, obvious biases.)
The guy who runs the Rockies' Twitter account: So much alcohol. SO MUCH ALCOHOL. That guy is a saint, Santa, a literal saint.
Bryan Kilpatrick: Mr. Kilpatrick is no less of a saint than @Rockies, and for that, Bryan deserves the world this Christmas. But really, Santa, lots of alcohol. Send the good stuff to the Rockies' Twitter guy, and give Bryan a solid 48-pack and a couple days of peace and quiet. He'll work through it over a few bowl games. Oh, and also if you could give him a good Utah Utes' basketball season this winter/spring, that'd be great, too.
Thanks, Santa! The milk and cookies are in the mail!