Every day, it seems the Colorado Rockies come up in trade rumors suggesting they might move players. With the possibility of a deal growing all the time, then, we here at Purple Row want to make sure you — the reader and opinion-haver — are prepared for the biggest of roster moves.
With our handy survival guide, you'll never let a hot take or pang of trade regret catch you off guard; these steps will allow you to survive the next Rockies blockbuster trade, and the one after that... and the one after that.
Step 1: Prepare
A survivalist's best tool is preparedness. Whether you're hiking the Rocky Mountains, swimming the Pacific Ocean, or invading the comment sections on Facebook, you always need to go in prepared for anything. It's why you never see Bear Grylls go in without his camera crew or Les Stroud without his gigantic ego. You can survive whatever gets thrown your way if you are never surprised. Expect the unexpected, no matter what.
Some simple suggestions for comment section prep: wear sunglasses while reading comments so as to not burn your eyes on a surprise take, and always review comments within five feet of an exit just in case your brain begins to explode from the poorly thought-out arguments and/or logical fallacies.
Constant vigilance in times like these is of the utmost importance. There is no excuse for being caught off guard by a hot take after a blockbuster trade; it is prime time for commenters to shout their bad opinions at you, and if you're not prepared for it, they will scald your brain.
Step 2: Once the trade happens, fire off your initial reaction
A trade can occur at any time, as we learned from Troy Tulowitzki's deal going down in the eighth inning of a random game at Wrigley Field, with the details not being made fully public until well into the early morning.
The unexpected timing that blockbusters can sometimes bring means you should probably have a few canned responses prepared beforehand in the same way news agencies have canned obituaries for famous people ready to run at any moment just in case Nicki Minaj, Bill Clinton, and the Pope are all killed in a tragic jet ski accident in the Hamptons. You don't want anyone to think you aren't paying attention.
If the trade news drops while you're active online or within arms reach of a tweeting device, be sure to fire off an initial reaction so that people know you have an opinion. Opinions are important. Never be without one, especially during a blockbuster trade situation.
Your initial reaction doesn't need much in the way of analysis, it just needs a slant. DO NOT GO NEUTRAL! Depth and nuance are BAD! Your neutral stance will be forgotten quickly, and in the world of online survival, being forgotten is the equivalent of dying. Remember JC Chasez? No you don't. If your trade take is nuanced or well-thought, you might as well be Chris Kirkpatrick, buddy.
Now, your initial reaction is out there. You've established yourself in the conversation. You can move on to the Internet's bastion of bad opinions: the comments section.
Step 3: You're in the comments section now; don't get emotional
Comment sections are the trench warfare of modern society, a place where people gather behind walls of anonymity and fire word-grenade launchers at each other in order to win arguments that have no actual effect on real life.
Now that you're prepared and your opinion is established, the comment section shouldn't cause any issues. But this is a survival guide, not an "if everything goes according to plan guide," so we're here to make sure you don't get tripped up by anything. Really, we're here to make sure you don't die. Your emotions are not easy to control and they may get the best of you, but this step is here to prepare you for what you will feel.
Most survival guides have a section titled "the psychology of survival," and this is important in comment sections, too. The stress of a comments section can cause you to experience rash emotions that you wouldn't normally feel. During a truly blockbuster trade, you may even feel significant hatred for a stranger over their baseball opinion. Understanding the emotions you're bound to feel is the easiest way to avoid letting them take control of you.
Anxiety, fear, anger, depression, and loneliness are the most common emotions you will encounter in a survival situation; not coincidentally, you'll also feel all of these when you read the comments after a massive trade. Anxiety and fear come as you scroll attentively, waiting for comments that disparage the intelligence of those with differing opinions. Anger rises as an anonymous commenter with a dog on their profile picture screams at an old lady for wishing those who were traded the best of luck. Depression turns then into loneliness as the comments become a whiny cry-fest about prospects, or a sweeping take that players aren't good.
These emotions are normal, but you can't let them control you! Be realistic about your chances and keep an upbeat mood. Stress management is key, breathe easy and remind yourself there is an end and a light at the end of the comment section. You will get through this. The comments will end!
Step 4: Find your inner De Niro
Surviving any blockbuster trade is all about adaptation. Do you own the jersey of the player they traded? Bust out the duct tape and magic marker and turn it into a Tebow jersey. Did you see a comment claiming the players your team acquired are lazy or otherwise a clubhouse "problem"? Put some of that duct tape on your eyes! Did someone with a flag avatar tweet something racist at you? Wrap that duct tape around your hands and slam your keyboard into oblivion!
You might be asking us why so many of these tips involve duct tape? Well, I recently invested a... uh... few dollars... into a company that makes duct tape, and frankly, I could use the boost to my portfolio.
Look, the point is you never want to box yourself in. Adapt to survive, just like Robert De Niro. You think he looked at his age and thought "well I guess since I can't play hip gangsters anymore I should stop acting"? No!! He just started showing up on the set of David O. Russell movies until they thought he was actually in the movie. He survived by adapting, and so can you!
Step 5: Comment with care
Commenting is a very tricky business, and unless you want a thousand notifications blowing up your phone for the next eight years, you may want to stay away from inciting certain kinds of debate. Remember, when it comes to social media it's not just you and the person you're arguing. It's you, the person you're arguing, and everyone else who has a keyboard and an opinion in the entire universe.
You could suddenly be talking to 49 different people in a single comment chain, which is the equivalent of running through a high school common room and attempting to enter every conversation with your own unique opinion. If it's anything like my high school experience, eventually it will just turn into a bunch of people calling you names and girls asking themselves why they're even friends with you.
If you make the harrowing decision to comment on the news of a blockbuster trade, remember to comment with care. Be safe about the chains to which you add your words; never comment on an already heated debate unless you're attempting to derail the thread with humor or are prepared to deliver a truly savage own to the aggressive commenter.
Also, NEVER get involved with ANYONE who appears to have nothing to lose. This may or may not include old men with very few Facebook friends but lots of time on their hands, someone with a cartoon character as their profile picture, or that weird guy who added you after you met one time in the dorms and he yells at you in the comments of everything you post. Back off, Keith.
If you are following the previous steps, commenting with care should come easy. Your emotions will be in check, you won't be caught off guard by any take, and you will hopefully have several rolls of premium duct tape near your computer at all times (now on sale for only $3.99 at every store in America).
Step 6: Log off a champion
DO NOT CONTINUE COMMENTING AFTER YOU HAVE DELIVERED ON STEP FIVE!!! This is very important. Just like George Costanza, it's imperative you leave on a high note, or else your follow-up comments will only drag down all the hard work you've been putting in on the trade.
If you have followed these steps and have reached the end of this post, congratulations on surviving a blockbuster trade! We here at Purple Row love to see you and hope you continue to survive every trade the team makes through its history! Until the next blockbuster, log off knowing you — and you alone — are the champion of this day!