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Rockies channel their inner Tim Tebow in win over D-backs

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This looked like another frustrating loss for the Rockies headed into the ninth, and then crazy things started happening. Very crazy things.

Chris Humphreys-USA TODAY Sports

I'm sure most Denver fans are familiar with the Tim Tebow path to victory in professional sports, but in case anybody needs a reminder, here's a quick step by step refresher:

1) Play like absolute garbage for the first 90 percent of the game.

2) Have the defense play just well enough to keep the score respectable.

3) Just when the game seems out of reach, start executing plays.

4) When it looks like the comeback is going to be too little too late, watch the opponent stick their head up their tailpipe and make an inexplicably dumb decision.

5) Capitalize on the mistake and ride the momentum to a dramatic victory.

Let's see how well the Rockies followed this guide Monday night.

1) Play like absolute garbage for the first 90 percent of the game.

Well, the offense certainly was disappointing for the first eight innings. Despite getting the leadoff man on in every inning but the fifth and sixth, the Rockies only managed to put a single run on a board going into the bottom of the ninth.

Their biggest problem for most of this game was their complete inability to get a hit with runners in scoring position. At one point, they were 0-15 in that spot. (Amazingly, the only other time the Rockies were this bad with runners in scoring position through this many at bats in a game was against the Reds in August of 2008 when they finished the game 0-16 with runner in scoring position. Why is this significant? The Rockies won that game too thanks in large part to five Cincinnati errors. Long time fans will probably remember this game as Omar Quintanilla of all people hit the walk-off home run in the bottom of the 12th inning. Hmm ... Maybe there's something to this mass failure with runners in scoring position.)

Then there was also trouble on the base paths (isn't there always with this team?). Nick Hundley got picked off first base in the eighth down three runs when he wasn't going anywhere, and then there was this ... uh ... slide by Brandon Barnes ...

Barnes slide

I'd say we have the first step covered.

2) Have the defense play just well enough to keep the score respectable.

The pitching in this case largely fits the bill. Chad Bettis didn't pitch well by his standards, allowing four runs on 11 hits, but he also made it through six innings and didn't walk anybody. The outing was underwhelming, but it wasn't bad enough to make you turn off the game.

From there, the bullpen strung three zeros together as Gonzalez Germen, Christian Friedrich, and Simon Castro combined to send the final nine D-Back batters of the game down in order.

3) Just when the game seems out of reach, start executing plays.

Daniel Descalso led off the bottom of the ninth with a single, and after a Charlie Blackmon strike out, Jose Reyes doubled down the right field line to set up what was nearly a game tying three-run home run off the bat of Nolan Arenado. Instead it was one of the longest singles in Coors Field history off the yellow line at the top of the left field wall to make the score 4-3.

I'd say this one is a check.

4) When it looks like the comeback is going to be too little too late, watch the opponent stick their head up their tailpipe and make an inexplicably dumb decision.

Following a Carlos Gonzalez flyout to left, D-Backs closer Brad Ziegler had a chance to end the game when DJ LeMahieu hit a grounder back in his direction. Instead, he bobbled the ball, gave up any chance he had at the out, and then poured gasoline on the fire when he threw off balance and out of control instead of just eating it. The throw sailed over the head of first baseman Paul Goldschmidt and into the right field seats, putting the tying run at third, and the winning run at second.

5) Capitalize on the mistake and ride the momentum to a dramatic victory.

With new life, Nick Hundley worked a walk to load the bases, allowing Ben Paulsen to come to the plate in a pinch hit roll for Matt McBride. Arizona countered with former Rockie and member of the "Mattpen" in Matt Reynolds to get the left on left match up, but it didn't matter.

After making Paulsen look silly on the first two pitches to get ahead 0-2, Paulsen made the adjustment and was able to tug a pitch up and away up the middle for the game winning walk-off single. Rockies win 5-4!

Yep, I'd say the Rockies were just like Tim Te......

Wait, what's that? ....

Ben Paulsen swore in his post game interview again?

Dammit Rockies! You ruined a perfect comparison.