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Ranking the Colorado Rockies' 2016 promotional giveaways, best to worst

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I'm just a simple man who really, really likes his dollar hot dogs, OK?

The Colorado Rockies' promotional schedule was released on Monday.
The Colorado Rockies' promotional schedule was released on Monday.
Dustin Bradford/Getty Images

The Colorado Rockies released their 2016 promotional schedule on Monday, which you can find in full here. Or, you can enjoy my incredibly unofficial and probably a little goofy power ranking of the Rockies' giveaway days, from best to worst, below. Remember: this is just one man's humble opinion, and I skew strongly towards $1 hot dogs.

April 10 — Nolan Arenado bobblehead

Starting at the top, I have difficulty imagining a better giveaway this year than the Nolan Arenado bobblehead doll the club will hand out to 20,000 fans on the Sunday of opening weekend against the San Diego Padres. Last year, my parents got me a Jorge De La Rosa bobblehead doll, and shipped it out to me in California. Sadly, Jorge's head broke off two days after I unpacked him.

But there's a happy ending to this story! The Rockies sent me a brand new Jorge bobblehead immediately, and now he sits on the desk at my office, taunting my co-worker who is a Dodgers fan! F*** the Dodgers, right?

Anyways, Nolan bobblehead, definitely the best of the giveaway bunch. Get there early!!

May 15 — Plastic bat and ball set

The first 10,000 fans who show up to this Sunday game against the New York Mets will get a plastic bat and ball set, and I literally cannot overstate the importance of this giveaway, especially if you have kids (of any age) at home. If you're a new parent and you have a little kid, and you hope they'll be good at baseball one day, you know what you should do? Give 'em a bat and a whiffle ball, and go outside and play ball in the backyard with them.

Seriously, there's nothing better than backyard baseball, and you don't even have to be a little kid to enjoy it. If you are reading this and you have a backyard, there's literally no reason (well, besides snow, I guess) that you shouldn't go outside and play.

April 8 — Rockies magnet schedule

I know this isn't a flashy giveaway, but I put the magnet schedule (and a few more you'll see below) pretty high, because it checks off the "hey, who are the Rockies playing" box for the rest of the year. Slap this bad boy up on your refrigerator, like I do literally every year, and you'll always have info on which game you should see next at your fingertips.

Every spring, I put Rockies, Angels, Dodgers, and Padres magnet schedules on my fridge (thanks, Mom, for sending me the Rockies one every spring!) and I plan my life around the schedule on those magnets. Life tip!

All fans will get this giveaway on Friday, April 8 (Opening Day!) against the San Diego Padres.

May 31 — $1 hot dog

I warned you, I skew strongly towards hot dogs. I do have one gripe, though. Since this is for the first 10,000 fans to this Tuesday game against the Cincinnati Reds, that implies to me it's a one-time voucher for one $1 hot dog, and not a full day where all concession stands are handing out dollar dogs all night to everybody in attendance.

That's a shame, but I guess stuff costs a lot nowadays, and the true dollar hot dog days are gone from Major League Baseball. (That doesn't change how strongly I feel about it in these power rankings.)

Also, my birthday is June 5, and this is the closest promotional day to take place ahead of my big day (the big 3-0!), so if you wanted to get me a gift and bring me to this game, I wouldn't mind.

October 2 — Fan appreciation day

Maybe it's weird to list the last day of the season so early in the list, but fan appreciation day is a great day, across all of professional baseball and at every single level. If you've never been to the ultimate getaway day before, you should go. The Rockies will be long, long out of it by then, so just enjoy it for what it is: the last day to see professional baseball in Colorado before another long, cruel winter.

Plus, the first 15,000 fans who show up for this game against the Brewers get a t-shirt!

May 13 — MLB Network tote bag

I got one of these tote bags last summer at a Padres game at Petco Park, and my girlfriend still uses it. It is a solid tote bag, and long-term utility is an important aspect of these here power rankings. You will like this tote bag, set for the first 20,000 fans to this game against the Mets.

June 25 — MLB cards & Rox player card

Are baseball cards still cool? Baseball cards should still be cool. June 25 against the Diamondbacks, all fans will receive a card pack and a Rockies player card. If you get Yohan Flande's player card, you have to let me know immediately.

April 23 — Monthly wall calendar

All fans who come to this Saturday night Dodgers game will receive a Rockies wall calendar. This is like the magnet schedule, it's one of those things you have to horde. You know, for the practicality of it all.

July 8 — USA flag & fireworks
July 9 — Fireworks
July 10 — Military appreciation day
September 30 — Fireworks

Folks, there aren't too many things better than fireworks weekend over the 4th of July (or, since the Rockies are on the road for the 4th, the closest home weekend they could find to Independence Day). Also, the second-to-last home game against the Brewers on September 30.

July 19 — $1 hot dog

Same reasoning as above!!! Love the hot dogs!

June 12 — Photo day

Team photo is a cool (and kind of goofy) baseball tradition. All fans will receive one for this game against the Padres. Here's my favorite Rockies team photo.

April 25 — Newsboy cap
May 27 — Baseball cap
June 15 — Baseball cap
July 18 — Baseball cap
August 5 — Baseball cap

The June one of these is for a Wednesday game against the Yankees. High profile AL East team that won't struggle to draw anyways, and a cap giveaway? I have a feeling this could be good. Goes to the first 20,000 fans.

As for the other four dates listed here, May 27 is a Friday game against the Giants (first 10,000 fans), and from there it follows against the Rays in July (first 5,000 fans), Marlins in August (first 10,000 fans), and that April "newsboy" cap against the Pirates (first 5,000 fans). Not sure about the newsboy cap, though. I'd have to see it...

August 2 — $1 hot dog

If you're wondering why I'm listing the hot dog days at different places in my power rankings, it's because I assume that as the season wore on, I'd theoretically get sicker and sicker of hot dogs. You know, overeating and all.

April 9 — Rox 3/4 sleeve tee shirt

Tee shirts are always a good giveaway, and extra credit to them for the old school three-quarters sleeved version. The first 10,000 will grab this one for the Rockies' second home game of the year against the Padres.

August 6 — Bobblehead
August 21 — Bobblehead
September 4 — Bobblehead

These games are respectively against the Marlins (first 20,000 fans), Cubs (first 15,000), and Diamondbacks (first 15,000). The only reason I didn't rank the bobbleheads significantly higher is the Rockies haven't yet announced who is going to be on these bobbleheads.

If it's Jorge De La Rosa and DJ LeMahieu and Adam Ottavino? Awesome! If it's the Monfort brothers and Jeff Bridich? Uhh... (Side note: could you even imagine the backlash if the Rockies gave away bobbleheads of the Monforts? Like, I kind of want them to do exactly that just to see the wild and absurd wrath of the Internet.)

September 20 — $1 hot dog

Last hot dog day of the season, this one against the Cardinals. Truth be told, I'm full just thinking about it.

April 22 — Rockies pocket tee
September 2 — Rockies tee 
September 16 — Rockies sweatshirt

Yay! Clothing! Tee shirts and now sweatshirts are never a bad thing. We'll see how the Rockies do with these Fan Friday-themed offerings, for, respectively, the Dodgers (first 5,000 fans), Diamondbacks (10,000 fans), and Padres (5,000 fans). I'm especially interested in that sweatshirt. So if you get an extra one...

August 29 — V-Neck tee

V-neck tee shirts are a risk, man. You need to have a certain style to pull one off, and I don't think I have that style, so I had to list this one pretty low. The first 5,000 fans to this game against the Dodgers will pick up this Purple Monday V-neck.

August 8 — Rockies flag

No real insightful comment, a Rockies flag is a pretty solid idea for a giveaway. The first 5,000 fans for this game against the Rangers will get themselves a Rockies flag.

May 29 — Kids run the bases
September 18 — Kids run the bases

I don't have kids, or else I'd probably rate these promotional days a bit higher on the list. All in all, though, fun day — enjoy it, kids!

May 9 — Ladies scarf
September 5 — Fall scarf

I don't like scarves and I don't use scarves. But I did get my mom a scarf as part of her Christmas gift this year, so I guess there's a gift idea for next December...? First 5,000 fans at both of these games, against the Diamondbacks and Giants (respectively).

June 24 — Bike lock

I have no use for a bike lock, it's just not my thing to bike places. But no shade if you do! My mom has biked to Rockies games downtown before, and she said it was cool, so maybe it's a thing! The first 10,000 fans to this Diamondbacks game will get themselves a new lock.

May 30 — All American Rox socks
July 22 — Rox socks

Against the Reds in May (first 20,000 fans), and the Braves in July (first 10,000 fans), you could get socks. SOCKS. I know our writer Connor Farrell loves socks, but his opinion is wrong. Socks are irrelevant, so boo to socks. If I wanted disappointment at Coors Field, I'd just watch the game. Am I right, guys? GUYS??

August 7 — Faith Day postgame concert

Not a huge fan of postgame concerts at baseball games, because I can't ever imagine anybody ever sticking around. Or put differently, the people at the game who are going to stay for the concert aren't there in the first place for baseball, which makes for a strange crowd combination. Anyways, David Crowder performs at this Sunday event after a Marlins game.

June 10 — Team umbrella

An umbrella? The first 10,000 fans to this Friday night Padres game get one...

June 27 — Player lapel pin
August 19 — Player lapel pin

I don't exactly think I'm in the demographic that finds lapel pins appealing...

September 19 — Rockies winter beanie

It's a beanie! I live in a warm weather climate! This is totally unfair of me because beanies are really a pretty damn solid giveaway, but since I live in southern California I have no use for a beanie! And this list is my personal, selfish opinion of good and bad giveaways! (If you live year-round in a colder climate like, ya know, Denver... this beanie might be the thing for you and 4,999 of your friends at this Cardinals game.)

July 23 — Star Wars bobblehead

Star Wars sucks. Fight me.

August 15 — ?????

For this game against the Nationals, the Rockies have listed that 5,000 fans will receive.... nothing?! It's a Purple Monday game, but it's unannounced what the giveaway is right now. Could be something amazing. Could be something terrible! Until we know, I have to rank it lower than the Star Wars bobblehead.

What about you? What Rockies giveaways and promotions are you most looking forward to enjoying in 2016?