Welcome to Football Friday, a baseball column by Connor. I am Connor. Each week I will dive into the previous seven days of baseball news, shout my opinion into the void, discuss some things about the Colorado Rockies, and answer your emails. Some of them.
Send them to email@example.com and we'll see what happens, OK?
Alright, you probably read that title and you've prepared your savage rebuttal to it, angry that someone could suggest that the MONFORTS of all people are good for the Rockies in any facet.
But before you get mad online, please read the entire post. I know, I know -- you're a very busy person with a lot of things to do and you can't be bothered with reading an entire argument before posting a response, but I beg you to give me this luxury. Please give me your time before you yell at me.
This past week, the city of St. Louis suffered the worst defeat any city will ever feel when it comes to sports: the loss of an actual team. The Rams moved to Los Angeles, and with their departure a city lost its namesake to the most popular sport in the country. Stories poured in from all over the Internet of fans heartbroken by the loss of the Rams and even more stories poured in on how owner Stan Kroenke and the NFL gave the city the screws and conspired to give Los Angeles the Rams the city of St. Louis loved so dearly.
In 2010, Stan Kroenke went from a minority stake owner in the Rams to its majority owner after the Frontiere family decided to sell its stake in the club following Georgia Frontiere's death. Though Stan is from Columbia, Mo., it became clear shortly after his purchase that he intended to use the tired old NFL owner cliche of threatening to move to Los Angeles unless he got a new publicly funded stadium.
I'm not here to get into the politics of the move, the NFL, or public funding for stadiums. Other people who are smarter and better versed in those subjects can handle that. I'm here to warn Rockies fans about an ownership change.
Long have we heard that the Rockies will never be good so long as Dick and Charlie Monfort are in charge. We've heard it from our uncles, fathers, cousins, and Mark Kiszla. The narrative is pushed down our throats that the Monforts have no care for the product on the field and Dick's simply a businessman raking in the suckers dumb enough to still support the Rockies and buy tickets.
I'm not going to defend Dick Monfort right now, since the results on the field speak for themselves. He's had a rough go of it his first two decades as an owner and since the tragic death of Kelli McGregor, Dick seems to have been far too involved in the day to day operations.
But go ahead, Rockies fans: stop going to games. Force the Monforts to sell the club to unknown businessmen with no local ties or loyalty. I encourage this type of behavior sarcastically because apparently you have no foresight into what could happen if the Monforts sell to the wrong person.
This isn't a game show where if the Rockies move you just get to pick up another expansion club the next go-round, you guys. New owners could be good, sure. You could have a Blackhawks revitalization once an owner comes in with actual savvy that gets us into the elite tier.
But you run a bad, bad gambit when you start playing the ownership game. There's a lot of rich guys out there, many of them with ulterior motives, and even more who don't care what us normal people think or feel.
I don't know. I guess I'd prefer a bad baseball team to no baseball team. But then again, I actually like baseball; it's not just my distraction until that orange-clad football team starts training camp.
The Good Opinion of the Week
Each week, I will personally scour Rockies-related Twitter feeds for good opinions on food, music, movies, or even bottled water. I will feature anything that I look at and think "that is a good opinion." This week, Rockies prospect David Dahl makes his second appearance on Good Opinion of the Week with this tweet:
A Super Bowl party is the one time a year where you can gather around a television with your friends, drink copious amounts of Old Milwaukee, and not care one iota about the outcome of a sporting event for over four hours. You might be saying, "Connor, you do this every weekend!" OK, yeah, but that takes the fun out of it.
I'd be OK with fast forwarding through a Super Bowl party for baseball, though. While we're fast forwarding things can we fast forward to when David's mashing homers on the Rockies roster in October? Thanks.
★ ★ ★
Welcome to the mailbag! Every week I'll read what you guys send to me.
This week, I requested you send me haikus that you feel describe the Rockies. I got some good responses, I got some bad responses, and for some reason someone emailed me a picture of a socks.
Please stop doing that, whoever you are.
Anyway, here are my favorite haikus:
TO HAVE A BASEBALL TEAM I
AM QUITE SKEPTICAL
"I like the Rockies
Even though usually
They suck at baseball
Put their balls in humidors
Ha ha ha ha ha
Oh grow up Mike!
"The Rockies suck butt
Just like Connor Farrell does
Hope they lose forever
What the hell?
Well as you can see these four plus many others I received were centered around a common theme of "the Rockies are bad."
The Rockies are bad.
Has Connor Been Owned?
Each week, our team of investigators and officials here at Connor, Inc. will look into whether or not Connor was the victim of an "own". For the uneducated, an own is often a comeback or put down that renders the person speechless and unable to turn the conversation around. It's also described as a "serve" or "savage." I'm a medical miracle in that at no point in my life have I been owned by anyone online or in real life.
Here is what is being brought forth to the Committee of Owns this week as alleged evidence of my owning:
John Reidy is one of the co-conspirators of the South Stands Podcast, which is a Broncos thing (Editor's note: the show once completely owned and annihilated Purple Row by saying we "f**king suck" in an episode a few years back) that I don't ever listen to. He also engages in attempted owns of his more popular counterparts, such as myself.
This is a good joke. A good simile is the backbone of any good joke as long as it's not a tremendous stretch. John nails it here and the committee took into consideration the quality of the joke as it made its decision.
After a considerably long meeting, the committee reached the decision that I was not owned. Anyone encouraging the narrative or spreading false information that I was owned will be met with swift legal recourse.
A new scoreboard is in the works for this section of the column, please be on the lookout for that and more on future Fridays.
[Editor's note: Talk to Connor! Got questions? Send him your emails about the Rockies, Major League Baseball, or anything else: firstname.lastname@example.org.]