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Fun and games with the Rockies manager search

The Rockies are hunting for a new manager, let’s help them out.

Connor Farrell’s doing

Hello and welcome to Manager Matchmaker! America’s favorite game show, where we take regular old manager candidates and see if we can find. Them. A. Match! Tonight, we have a very special edition of Manager Matchmaker; we’re going to be helping the Colorado Rockies find their man!

Before we begin, let’s meet our studio audience!

2016 MTV Movie Awards - Show Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images for MTV

Wow! Don’t they look excited folks! I know I sure am! That’s why I keep yelling!

Let’s not waste any more time, it’s time to bring out our lovely team! At 24 years old and desperately wanting that first division title, this organization has been eloquently described as “weird” and “inept,” but most recently described as “okay”. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Colorado Rockies!

Aren’t they lovely folks? The Rockies are looking for a manager that can take them to the next level, isn’t that right? They would like a manager who is a good caretaker but also doesn’t mind just palling around with the guys sometimes. A manager who can juggle the options but not be afraid to stick to his instincts. Can one of these men be that manager?

Let’s meet our contestants!

Contestant Number 1: Dave Martinez of the Chicago Cubs

MLB: NLCS-Workouts Jon Durr-USA TODAY Sports

Dave here is a 52-year-old bench coach for the Chicago Cubs. A former outfielder who has worked alongside Joe Maddon, who affectionately calls him “Davey,” as his bench coach since 2007. After Maddon was hired by the Cubs in 2014, several Rays players, including Evan Longoria, endorsed Martinez as the Rays replacement. When he wasn’t chosen, he followed Joe to Chicago to continue as the bench coach. Martinez has acted as many things in his role as bench coach. From fielding instructor to base running coach to Maddon confidant and strategy aide.

Whatever Dave’s role has been throughout his career, one constant remains: people love him.

Loved by players, endorsed by Maddon, and supported as an outstanding candidate for the position. Dave may be the best option the Rockies have on the market.

Dave also enjoys long, deep conversation about the universe and a glass of red wine with dinner.

Let’s meet our next contestant!

Contestant Number 2: Sandy Alomar Jr. of the Cleveland Indians

MLB: Cleveland Indians at Detroit Tigers Aaron Doster-USA TODAY Sports

The Indians first base coach (and former Rockie!) is a 50-year-old well respected member of the dynamic Indians coaching staff. Alomar served as the bench coach until 2013, when he moved to first base. Alomar is a former catcher with a strong knack for in-game strategy and is a good friend of manager Terry Francona.

Alomar may not fit in perfectly with what the Rockies want, but his bilingual ability and experience with calling games and calming pitchers gives him a leg up over several other candidates.

It’s not always a guarantee that catchers make the best managers, but Alomar’s experience and abilities seem to fit fairly well with the Rockies.

Sandy also enjoys vinyl jazz records and rainy Sunday afternoons.

Let’s meet our next available hunk!

Contestant Number 3: Don Wakamatsu of the Kansas City Royals

MLB: Kansas City Royals-Media Day Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Wakamatsu, a 53-year-old former catcher, is looking for his second managerial job in the major leagues. Don managed the Mariners in 2009 and 2010, but has since worked as the bench coach for both the Toronto Blue Jays and the Kansas City Royals. Don has a World Series ring with the Royals and may be the most experienced and accomplished of all the candidates.

Don is well respected and beloved in the game of baseball and holds the distinguished honor of being the first Asian-American manager in baseball.

Analytically, Don may be one of the more open minded choices. His time with the Mariners was during a time in Seattle where they attempted to find the next market inefficiency and reinvent Moneyball. Unfortunately for Don, players like Chone Figgins, Milton Bradley, and Eric Byrnes were egregiously bad offensively and the Mariners fell to pieces in 2010 to a 61-101 record.

Wakamatsu has since spent time around extremely sound, winning organizations. The managers he has been behind in those times, John Farrell and Ned Yost, have been criticized by the online community; however, the Royals are a progressive team when it comes to analytics.

Don also loves cupcakes and nights out with friends. His favorite movies are comedies and “anything with explosions”.

Let’s meet contestant number four!

Contestant #4: Gozer the Gozerian, The Destructor (not pictured for fear of inadvertent summoning)

Gozer is an ancient Sumerian God, a malignant entity summoned for only one purpose: to destroy the world. Gozer is genderless and comes in many forms. The Destructor is all-powerful and will wage war on any who stand in it’s way.

Gozer’s baseball strategy background is unknown, though many believe The Destructor has never even heard of baseball, due to being an ancient god last seen in Mesopotamian times. Baseball wasn’t even invented until well into the 12th to 18th century (depending on who you ask) so it’s really unlikely that Gozer ever played the sport during its time as a world destroyer.

Gozer’s main draw to the position is the probability that the world will be destroyed if and when the Gozerian is brought to this Earth. The Rockies may adopt the thought process that winning the championship is nice but so is the world literally being destroyed. Of course, it’s hard to say which would be better for the organization at this point.

Gozer also enjoys classic movie marathons, cuddling during blizzards, and consuming the citizens of Earth in a magnificent hell-fire.

And now, let’s plaaaaaaaay Manager Matchmaker!

Logo trademark Connor Farrell.

Question number one is for all four of you: the Rockies want a manager who remains calm and collected even when things aren’t going their way, what would you do if your team started to lose its composure during a big game?

Martinez: I guess I would call the team together on the mound and reassure them that this moment isn’t going to define them, to breathe and relax.

Alomar: I would talk to the leaders of the clubhouse and tell them, their voice may mean just as much as mine. Use them to help calm everyone on the field down when I can’t be out there.

Wakamatsu: I think my time in Kansas City has taught me that even in the biggest games, you need to remember it’s just a game. You will wake up tomorrow, keep your composure and settle in.

Gozer: The Human Race is a pitiful species that must be destroyed.

Alright! Those were all great answers, let’s move on to question two! Question two is for Don and Gozer. Both of you are travellers, Don you with several organizations and Gozer you as a Universal God determined to conquer all worlds, what has that experience taught you?

Wakamatsu: I think it has shown me a lot of different ways to be successful. I’ve learned that you can’t lock yourself into one way to win, and that the game can be played in several different ways.

Gozer: I crush all who stand in my path. The blood of Humans will be especially sweet once I have risen to power.

Wow, just terrific stuff you guys. We have time for two more questions, this question is for Sandy and Dave. In your opinion, when is it best to pull a starter?

Sandy: Well I-

Gozer: These questions are foolish; this game is meaningless.

Ok Gozer, please calm down.

Gozer: Inform me of where these Rockies are so I may begin domination of this planet and all who inhabit it.

Gozer, you haven’t won the game yet, so you can’t be the manager.

Gozer: Then CHOOSE.

The Rockies: I think we’re going to go with Glenallen Hill.

Studio Audience: Boo! Come on! Are you serious?

Mark Kiszla: I told you this would happen. I wanted Gozer.

Well that’s our show, folks, if Gozer doesn’t destroy the world we’ll see you back here soon for another edition of Manager Matchmaker!