MLB Free Agency: The Rockies should sign Chris Carter, professional Dinger Smacker

The Colorado Rockies entered the 2017 offseason with only a few needs to round out an impressive roster that should compete for a playoff spot. One of those needs is repairing a bullpen that was possessed by several demons and destroyed the hopes and dreams of a young, exciting team.

Another one of the needs, the need I’d like to discuss today, is at first base. As decent as Mark Reynolds was last year, the Rockies need more firm production from that position going forward, and by firm production I mean dingers.

The Rockies need a whole mess of dingers. I love Arenado’s dingers, I love CarGo’s dingers, but what I would love more than that is more dingers. Where do you find more dingers? Dingers do not grow on trees, you can’t find them in the cushions of your couch. No, dingers are found in strong men.

I have found the dingers; I have found a strong man.

Chris Carter has dingers.

The 29-year-old Carter isn’t an All-Star, he’s a career .218/.314/.463 hitter with poor strikeout numbers. He’s not going to be a superstar and he’s not going to lead the team in jersey sales.

But he is going to hit dingers.

Chris Carter hit 41 home runs last year for Milwaukee. In 3 years with the Astros, Carter hit 29, 37, and 24 home runs. He can’t get the bat on the ball consistently, but folks, when he does he’s putting them into hyperspace. Chris Carter has 150 career home runs in 688 career games. In nearly ¹⁄₄ of the games Chris has played, he’s smacked a dinger.

Coors Field is a ballpark that sits at a mile above sea level. It consistently plays deep with large gaps and is one of the most hitter friendly ballparks in league history. It makes mediocre hitters hit .260 and gives power to even the least powerful. If Chris Carter had a near-death experience and an angel showed him where he would be happiest as a baseball player, first it would show him the moon, then it would show him Coors Field.

Let’s say we’re mad scientists and we decide to create the perfect dinger smacking hitter for Coors Field, a hitter who would never do anything but try to hit home runs. We would create Chris Carter. A man who was born to do two things: hit home runs and strike out swinging. Last year in Milwaukee, Chris Carter hit 53 singles and 41 home runs, he struck out 206 times. He’s not here to worry about a strike zone or what type of pitch was thrown, he’s here to hit the ball so hard you worry about it’s family.

Chris Carter is here to be what we thought Mark Reynolds was: a dinger smacking, fun loving first baseman that we will love and hate at the same time. He swings 43 percent of the time; he swings at one out of every four pitches outside the strike zone; he’s going to swing and swing hard at just about everything. He’ll strike out 200 times; he’ll strikeout in big moments; he’ll make you cry into your sock drawer and wonder why you believe in the almighty power of The Dinger. He won’t carry the team. Luckily, he wouldn’t have to.

But then, he’ll swing and hit one and you’ll forget all about the tears on your socks and the angry texts to your cousin. Because The Dinger is beautiful, The Dinger is kind. All Hail.

He’ll be relatively cheap, too. The Brewers didn’t want to pay him $9-10 million a year to hit dingers for them, so they moved on. The Rockies could easily pay him $9-10 million to smack those dingers. He’s a professional Dinger Smacker and the Rockies are a Dinger Factory looking for specialized labor.

He’s not a free agent just yet. But if he makes it there, the Rockies should pounce. In a first baseman, the Rockies don’t need an Encarnación, and they don’t need an expensive bat to fill out an already good lineup. But there is always room for more dingers. There should be room for Chris Carter.