If the Rockies were puppies, what kind of puppies would they be? An investigative report

Welcome to Football Friday, a baseball column by Connor. I am Connor. Each week I will dive into the previous seven days of baseball news, shout my opinion into the void, discuss some things about the Colorado Rockies, and answer your emails. Some of them.

Send them to connorsmailbag@gmail.com and we'll see what happens, OK?

Puppies are good.

I don't think that's a hot take; the offspring of dogs are generally well-liked around most communities. In fact, I would surmise the opposite opinion—that puppies are bad—is the controversial one.

Now that we've got that established, I feel comfortable in talking about puppies for a long period of time in this column. Specifically, I'd like to talk about what puppies the Rockies would be if they were puppies.

Personally, I love puppies more than I love the Rockies. But in a lot of ways the Rockies remind me of puppies. For example, puppies are annoying troublemakers who ruin your night by ripping apart furniture, pooping on the carpet, and generally being a nuisance for the better part of six months. For a comparison, the Rockies ruin my night by making me rip apart my furniture and poop on my carpet by generally being a nuisance for the better part of six months. So they're basically the same.

But what if the Rockies were actual literal puppies? Well who better to ask this question of than me, resident puppy lover and Rockies fan Connor Farrell.

If the Rockies were actually puppies, here's the kind of puppies they would be. This is not up for debate; the puppy categorization is final.

Carlos Gonzalez: Black Labrador

There is a large camp of people who believe black labs are the cutest puppies in the world. I don't hate these people; they are just extremely wrong. This isn't to say I don't find Labradors cute. On the contrary, I think they're adorable. But they aren't Golden Retriever puppies.

Carlos Gonzalez is a black lab, he's athletic, strong, good at catching things and he's pretty cute too. Though not as cute as a golden retriever.

Pictured: Carlos Gonzalez(?)

Labs are smart, quick, tricky, and have a sweet home run swing. Which also happen to be things that Carlos Gonzalez is/has.

Daniel Descalso: Chihuahua

Chihuahuas are weird dogs that I don't quite understand, but they seem to just be 13 pounds of anxiety and anger combined with a high pitched bark and a disregard for anyone's mental health.

Daniel Descalso is a utility infielder.

So, you know, you see how I got where I got.

Nick Hundley: Corgi

Nick Hundley is a catcher, which means he's squatting a lot and attempting to herd pitchers into doing what he wants. Corgis are herding dogs, bred in England to herd goats, English schoolchildren, and other things. They're stubby little dogs that always look like they didn't get the right legs at the leg store. Like when they made corgis they ran out of regular sized legs so they put one size smaller on and after twenty or so minutes of convincing themselves it looked right, they sent them out into the world. They look like they're constantly squatting in a catchers stance.

Pictured: Nick Hundley waiting for that Jon Gray fastball.

Charlie Blackmon: German Shepherd

Aggressive, territorial, smart, trained, fast. This describes Charlie Blackmon.

Also if you stuck a giant beard on a German Shepherd puppy it'd look awesome. Here's a picture where I drew a beard on a dog. Keep in mind I drew the beard, it is not an actual bearded dog, even though it looks very realistic. 

Haha! Look at that thing! Got a little beard on it. It looks just like Chuck! I drew that beard; it's not real. Don't worry.

Which one is this? Is this Charlie or the dog from before? Haha, don't be silly that's obviously Charlie. But I almost had you, didn't I?

Nolan Arenado: Golden Retriever

The ultimate in puppies. Golden puppies are like the puppies you find in a secret hallway in Legend of Zelda that level up your sword and help you clear the dungeon in record time. Golden puppies are puppies that I would legitimately kill for. If they told me to kill someone, I would do it. I wouldn't even ask why. If you've done enough that a Golden Retriever puppy orders your murder, I have no business asking why, you very clearly deserve it.

Nolan is our golden boy, the 24-year-old third baseman is coming off a 42 home run season where every day he seemed to make another incredible defensive play at third base. Arenado is one of the ten most exciting players in baseball and his young age only adds to his excitement. He's an every night player, one of the guys that makes you worry about going to get another beer because you're scared you're going to miss something amazing.

Nolan Arenado is a golden retriever puppy. He's our cherished boy. Here are some pictures of Golden puppies.

Look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn't murder for these dogs.

That's Nolan Arenado to us.

Puppies, they're good. Thanks for reading this very serious column.

★ ★ ★

The Good Opinion of the Week

Each week, I will personally scour Rockies-related Twitter feeds for good opinions on food, music, movies, or even bottled water. I will feature anything that I look at and think "that is a good opinion." This week, the good opinion comes from Purple Row blogger and teen heartthrob Cam Goeldner who tweets:

When the NFL is in the streets, the people get mad in the Tweets

— Cameron Goeldner (@Goeldfinger) March 9, 2016

He's not wrong! The NFL has a great habit these days of making us all mad online. I have been mad online due to the NFL at least six times in the last 12 months. It doesn't help stop the NFL from being the NFL, but it does make you feel better about stuff for a while. Twitter is a good website for just shouting about things that make you mad until you're not mad anymore. In fact, that's actually the only reason for the website to exist. It's basically therapy for people who don't have actual problems. Like me, where my problems consist of the NFL or Red Box wait lines.

Cam is a good opinion-haver, and I'm proud to feature one in my column. Thanks, Cam.

★ ★ ★

How are the Rockies copying the Broncos this week?

The Broncos are Denver's elite franchise, three Super Bowl titles and eight appearances. Four of those appearances have happened after I was born, three of them resulting in wins. Since I've been alive it's been a Broncos town, but the thing about the Broncos is their mentality crosses over into how people analyze the other sports. People ask "why don't the Monforts just operate how the Broncos do?" Which just isn't fair, but people still whine about it.

Now these bothersome Monforts are starting to try and copy the dang Broncos!

This week, the Rockies are copying the Broncos by LITERALLY HIRING A BRONCOS EMPLOYEE.

Yes, the Rockies hired a mental health professional from the Broncos, which is a modern innovation in the game as guys struggle with the long grind of the baseball season. We'd all love to pretend it's unicorns and rainbows for pro athletes, but the higher the salaries go, the more the culture turns sports obsessed, and the more pressure these guys find themselves under to compete.

I can't think of a better mental health professional than one who worked in the highest stress environment in sports: professional football. The NFL is as high profile as it gets in the USA, possibly the world. NFL franchises are global enterprises now and every day on the job could be your last for 90% of the league. This guy has experience in a higher stress field than baseball will ever be, which will help since Rockies pitchers are pitching in Coors Field which I would describe as a "frozen hellscape of demons and nightmares" for pitching. It's incredibly difficult, frustrating, and taxing.

The Rockies are finally trying to be the Broncos folks.

★ ★ ★

Has Connor Been Owned?

Each week, our team of investigators and officials here at Connor, Inc. will look into whether or not Connor was the victim of an "own."  For the uneducated, an own is often a comeback or put down that renders the person speechless and unable to turn the conversation around. It's also described as a "serve" or "savage." I'm a medical miracle in that at no point in my life have I been owned by anyone online or in real life.

Here is what is being brought forth to the Committee of Owns this week as alleged evidence of my owning:

@rockiesVSconnor you don't need a reddit thread to spot a virgin, you need a mirror

— Thomas Wilson (@Pogue009) March 5, 2016

I..... wow.

Purple Row staffer Thomas Wilson drops this straight fire on me after I tried to diss a Reddit thread on how to spot a virgin.

I... I have no comeback.

I've been owned.

The committee has ruled that I was owned in this instance.

I was owned by Thomas Wilson on Saturday, March 5, 2016.

Please update the scorecards accordingly.

Regards,

Connor

[Editor's note: take your crack at owning Connor! Send him your questions and comments about Rockies baseball or anything else at connorsmailbag@gmail.com.]