Welcome to Football Friday, a baseball column by Connor. I am Connor. Each week I will dive into the previous seven days of baseball news, shout my opinion into the void, discuss some things about the Colorado Rockies, and answer your emails. Some of them.
As we approach the regular season, every baseball team is filled with question marks. The Rockies, as a baseball team themselves, are not immune to these question marks. In fact, I would surmise the Rockies have more question marks than most teams. If you look at the average number of questions that teams have across the league, it's not impossible to think the Rockies are likely above that average number.
Ok, let's map this out, let's take a team that would have the most average amount of questions coming into the season. How many questions do you think they would have? Three? Four? Seven? Sheesh, seven seems like a lot. Let's say the average amount of questions a team should have is five. Five questions. If you have fewer than five you are in pretty good shape! It's probably easy to come up with more than five questions about the Rockies.
Because of all the questions the Rockies have, I thought it would be fun to dive in and find out some of these questions the Rockies have and which ones they must answer in 2016.
Question 1: Will they be good?
I think this is a question that pretty much every team has coming into 2016. Some are easier to answer than others. Will the Cubs be good? Yeah. Will the Reds be good? No, man. Will the Braves be good? They'll be good at losing! Haha, just a joke. They won't be good.
But the Rockies, will they be good? I gotta say... probably not. Not this year. There's just too many things they aren't very good at. An example of things they aren't very good at:
- Not letting the other team score runs
- Not getting out (on the road)
- Not getting hurt
- Advanced calculus, probably (who is?)
- Knowing what happens in season 7 of Game of Thrones (it's not even written yet!)
- Other things that I can't think of right now
Question 2: Is the bullpen actually better this year?
The Rockies used this off season to go and build something that many people didn't think they should focus on building. They took a very crappy bullpen and made it not as crappy. But, the question is, does this bullpen really inspire more confidence?
Just looking at last year's bullpen of Ottavino, Betancourt, Axford, some other people that I can't remember, and Dinger vs. this year's of McGee, Qualls, Motte, Miller, etc. I'm going to say that yes, the bullpen is actually better.
Hopefully Dinger doesn't have to pitch any more innings, those 8th innings were not fun.
Pictured: Dinger heads back to the dugout after allowing nine earned runs in the bottom of the eighth on July 16.
Question 3: Who let the dogs out?
Who, who, who?
Question 4: Wait a second, what happened to the Baha Men?
You know what, I also asked that question. That last question reminded me, what happened to those guys? They stormed into our world with the World blazing hit Who Let The Dogs Out? and then disappeared, we never talk about them anymore. What happened to the Baha Men? Are they still alive? Did they join witness protection and get relocated far away from the Baha? They longed to be just men.
Well, I Googled it and folks, I learned some things.
In this article from Vice, I learned that the Baha Men didn't just storm on the scene at all. They were formed in the late 1970's and are still performing today. In fact, they released their 12th (!!) studio album in 2015. The Baha Men didn't just appear and they didn't just go away. We just didn't realize they were still around, which is how like 60% of my high school class is to me. I open a yearbook and think "oh yeah, he did go to school with me." And I'm sure he thinks the same thing when he sees my stupid face.
Question 5: Have you listened to any Baha Men recently?
Guys, this is an article about the Rockies.
But yes, after learning that the group is more than just a one hit wonder I dove into the discography and uncovered some very interesting Baha Men facts. For instance, the fact that this music is just really not any good.
Who is buying these albums? I'm not one to judge based on musical preference, I think we are all entitled to whatever music makes us happiest because art is subjective and experience is individualistic. But, who in the world is picking up the latest Baha Men record and bumping it in their car for 8-13 days? Who is behind this continued funding of a career?
This is garbage. I'm getting physically angry as the songs continue.
Question 6: Why are you still listening?
I don't know, I can't stop. This is like a horror movie, I can't physically hit pause on my iTunes. Hold on, we just hit a song called Off the Leash, which is most certainly a WLTDO sequel as the chorus uses a sample from the year 2000 banger.
Hang on, this isn't bad.
Ok, this actually has a good beat. I could get down to this at the club. I mean, I wouldn't if it came on unless I was with some friends who would get down with me in an ironic sense, you know? Like "haha this is so crazy that the Baha Men came on, oh well I guess we should totally dance anyway because we're here! Oh man wouldn't it be weird if we thought this was an actually good song? How whacky would it be if I requested this song at the next bar we went to? You'd laugh right? You guys would totally laugh? Oh man I'm gonna, I'm gonna request this at every bar we go to."
Off the Leash.
Question 7: Is the bench going to suck?
Ah. I mean, probably.
Right now we're looking at a bench that is likely going to have Rafael Ynoa, Brandon Barnes/Ryan Raburn, a catcher, and maybe Cristhian Adames. Looking at that now, I would say they're all probably not great. Nobody's bench is full of all-stars but you'd expect them to be a little better just in case someone gets hurt. The Rockies get hurt pretty often, so the first injury may just sink this team's stupid ship before it even leaves port.
Question 8: What's the rotation going to look like?
Jon Gray's injury has thrown this whole thing for a loop. It looks like if Jon can come back by mid to late April, they will only have to go four guys for a while. That means JDLR, Bettis, Lyles, Chatwood and then we put in Gray and that's how it goes.
That's not a terrible rotation, it's certainly not one I can see winning 95 games or anything but if everyone stays healthy hey, why not somewhere like 75? That's not so bad. It's not like it's a Baha Men rotation.
Jeez, how many questions is that? 8? That's a lot, I can't answer any more. Let's do some more some other time.
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The Good Opinion of the Week
Each week, I will personally scour Rockies-related Twitter feeds for good opinions on food, music, movies, or even bottled water. I will feature anything that I look at and think "that is a good opinion." This week, the good opinion comes from Brew Crew Ball contributor and friend of the website Travis Sarandos who tweets:
@rockiesVSconnor football Friday is legit my favorite read of the week— travis sarandos (@travis_mke) March 24, 2016
That is a great opinion, Travis! Thanks for reading!
And thanks to anyone else who thinks Football Friday is good and funny. I know there are people out there who don't enjoy the content I make, that's their life choices, they can think whatever they want. As Drake would say, my haters are my motivators. They can chirp from their keyboards while they pretend to be important, Travis and I will engage in tomfoolery and do what we like to do regardless.
Point is, I'm not going away. If you like it, thank you! I truly love everyone who reads, comments, tweets, even if you spend your days trying to own me (PTP). I had a lot of fun doing this all winter and I'm going to only ramp up the content as we get in the season and the Rockies do more stuff for me to make fun of.
If you don't like it, I don't really care. Do whatever you want.
Good opinion, Travis.
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How are the Rockies copying the Broncos this week?
The Broncos are Denver's elite franchise, with three Super Bowl titles and eight appearances. Four of those appearances have happened after I was born, with all three titles coming while I could watch them. Denver is a Broncos town, and it has been for as long as I've been alive and perhaps even longer (unconfirmed).
The annoying thing about the Broncos is their mentality crosses over into how people analyze the other sports. People ask "why don't the Monforts just operate how the Broncos do?" Which just isn't fair, but people still whine about it.
This week, the Rockies are copying the Broncos by having key players get hurt in the pre-season.
Seems like every year in training camp a key Bronco goes down and we all have to worry about the team and well folks, this week the Rockies lost Jon Gray to an abdominal strain and may have to play for a couple weeks into the season without the youngster.
The Rockies are no stranger to pitcher injuries, it's been theorized that the high altitude hurts recovery time for pitcher arms that go under the stress. But this early? Already? Kill me now if this is the way the seasons going to go, you guys. I'd rather not worry about pitchers getting hurt every dang day the way I worry about Broncos offensive linemen/linebackers.
Stop copying the Broncos!
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Has Connor Been Owned? (By someone other than Thomas)
Each week, our team of investigators and officials here at Connor, Inc. will look into whether or not Connor was the victim of an "own." For the uneducated, an own is often a comeback or put down that renders the person speechless and unable to turn the conversation around. It's also described as a "serve" or "savage." I'm a medical miracle in that at no point in my life have I been owned by anyone not named Thomas Wilson.
Here is what the committee brought forth as evidence this week:
@williamfleitch whoa where did you get this picture of @rockiesVSconnor— Lord of the Pepes (@yungroxfan) March 23, 2016
Purple Row commenter PurpleToPurple has been desperately trying to be brought forth to the committee and this week he gets his wish with a very mean joke!
That's not me, that's David Letterman, by the way. David retired from CBS about nine months ago and has since become the oldest man on Earth. I don't fault David for growing a beard but it just goes to show that he is potentially a vampire.
I think the entertainment industry is kidnapping children and using their youthfulness to keep their most coveted entertainers young forever. How else do we explain Letterman's rapid aging after leaving the business? What else could it be than child sacrifices to the Gods so the men our grandparents love can continue telling jokes forever!
Anyways, the committee ruled that I was not owned in this instance. Please don't tell people I was owned or I will have to sue you.