Editor’s note: These takes can’t possibly be this bad, right? Well, to your point, it IS Connor, but still the answer is no—this is satire.
Last night, in the MLB All-Star Game, confirmed millennial Nolan Arenado stepped up to the plate with a runner on first and one out. In the top of the ninth inning, Arenado represented the tying run and with one swing of the bat could’ve tied the ball game and given the NL a chance to salvage their first victory in four years.
Instead, Nolan grounded out to third in what turned out to be a game-ending double play. The worst part wasn’t that Nolan ended the All-Star Game with a double play. The worst part is that it appeared Arenado gave up on running to first and cost the NL the game on the back of his own millennial laziness. This angered many online.
In a now deleted tweet, Peter King expressed his dismay with Nolan’s inability to run out a groundball in an exhibition contest that cost the San Francisco Giants home field advantage in the World Series. Game seven will now take place in Cleveland, Ohio instead of the Bay Area, surely costing San Francisco their second straight major sports title to the Lake Erie rust belt town.
Nolan highlighted several classic attributes of the millennial generation that is single handedly destroying the country. At only 24, it’s clear Nolan has not yet learned to run out every single grounder no matter how silly the game is. If you don’t, old people will judge you and there’s nothing worse to be judged by than an old person. Nolan’s millennial attributes were on full display on National TV and it’s about time someone talked about this because to my knowledge no one in the media has ever spoken about the millennial generation. Why didn’t Nolan run out that grounder? Well, let’s investigate.
Nolan was lazy because he’s a millennial
Nolan Arenado decided to just not run out that play because he’s lazy. Millennials are famous for being lazy, that’s why they’ve racked up more student debt than any generation before them with a worse job market than their parents and grandparents could’ve ever anticipated. They just don’t have the work ethic to make the job market better and make the debt disappear. These millennials took the risk of furthering their education after considerable pressure from their parents and teachers and now they expect the government to bail them out? Who do they think they are, mortgage lenders or General Motors?
Nolan just didn’t feel like running out that grounder because it wasn’t a flashy moment. Typical millennial.
Nolan forgot how many outs there were, because he’s a millennial
If you watch the highlight, it appears Nolan lost track of the amount of outs and thought the force out at second ended the game. Millennials are, of course, notoriously bad at math. Worse than any generation before them, in fact, because they think math is hard and numbers are stupid. I’m a millennial and I’m terrible at math! If you asked me 10x12 right now I wouldn’t know the answer. I would probably say something like, “uhh Kim Kardashian?” or “Shut up old man I don’t respect you I’m young and cool and I don’t need math or numbers. Check out this sweet vine I just made of me pooping.”
Nolan just doesn’t know how to count because millennials can’t do anything without a phone calculator! It’s embarrassing. Speaking of phones...
Nolan didn’t want to run out that grounder because he wanted to check his phone, because he’s a millennial
Millennials are always on their phone! It’s become a huge issue. I talked to a doctor once who said that we are becoming more isolated as a society and he said that is 100% the fault of millennials for being on their phone tweeting and such.
Nolan probably realized it had been almost five minutes since he’d checked his phone. He was tired of not being able to text his friends about how much he doesn’t respect his elders and how much he enjoys being entitled.
Nolan didn’t run out that grounder because pop music is terrible these days and millennials are stupid
After Nolan grounded out he probably started thinking about how much he loves all that crappy pop music that’s on the radio these days! He got distracted by how much he loves Taylor Swift and Pitbull and forgot he was supposed to run to a base! This is classic millennial behavior, because they refuse to grow up. They’re basically just giant babies walking around listening to songs about teenage heartbreak and playing stupid games on their phone—those damn phones again!
If only millennials understood how great bands from previous generations were! Bands like Baccara and INXS! Great bands like Falco and pure emotional pop bands like Starship and Europe! Man, millennials are just awful, they’re just being fooled by big business. Luckily, I’m here to show them the light.
Nolan didn’t run out that grounder because he’s probably too worried about Pokémon instead of his real life responsibilities, because he’s a millennial
Recently, the smart phone based game Pokemon Go was released for download and it took the world by storm. People everywhere began downloading and playing the game around their neighborhoods and cities, catching Pokémon and generally bothering everyone by having fun and being happy.
But, the worst part is this has lead to a rash of millennials avoiding their real life responsibilities to catch Pokémon. Safe to say millennials are choosing catching Pikachus instead of paying their electricity bills and that’s about to sink the economy!
Nolan probably decided running out this grounder wasn’t as important as catching a Bulbasaur and that’s just a sign of the times, folks.
As you can see, Nolan Arenado’s millennial attributes are hurting the Rockies and now, more importantly, the National League All-Stars. Until Nolan PROVES he can WIN in an exhibition game that only counts because Bud Selig had no idea how marketing works, the Rockies should bench him. Sorry, I just won’t tolerate this young person behavior any longer.