Welcome to Football Friday, a baseball column by Connor. Each week I will dive into the previous seven days of baseball news, shout my opinion into the void, discuss some things about the Colorado Rockies, and answer your emails. Some of them.
On Tuesday night, with the Rockies trailing the Giants 2-1 in San Francisco, Nolan Arenado pelted a three-run home run into the middle rows of left field at AT&T Park to give the Rockies a 4-2 lead.
The home run was huge and desperately needed for a Rockies offense that had scored three runs in four losses in California prior to Tuesday night. It also happened to come off what may potentially be the worst pitch I’ve ever seen in my life. Here’s the highlight:
That pitch should be considered a war crime. There should be UN Tribunals where they question that sliders motives, that pitch was so bad I waited for Slate to write a thinkpiece about how it was actually good. Let’s watch it again.
That pitch was so bad Adam Sandler hired it to be a co-star in his next direct to Netflix film. I’m going to roast this pitch until that sliders wife DM's me on Twitter and asks that I stop. Let’s watch it again.
The pitch is bad. Here’s a visual breakdown:
That pitch was so bad, I went through history to find worse mistakes than that pitch. Here are some of the worst mistakes in history that Cory Gearrin’s slider to Nolan Arenado now ranks among:
1. Pissing off Genghis Khan
In the 13th century, Genghis Khan was nearing his peak power as the ruler of Mongolia, China, and basically everywhere because people were scared of him. Genghis wasn’t just a military guy though, he had some political thinking in his brain and saw that opening up trade treaties with the Khwarezmid empire (modern day Iran/Iraq essentially) would benefit his empire. So, seeing this opportunity he sent a couple consulates out there to work out a deal. Well, the Shah Ala Ad decided he didn’t want to negotiate so he cut the head off the consulate and sent it back to Genghis.
Of the things you should and should not do in the world, making Genghis Khan angry is definitely number one on the SHOULD NOT DO list. I’m not an expert but based on the evidence of what happened next, let’s just say I’m making a fairly educated guess.
Khan organized his largest army and literally destroyed the Khwarezmid empire. So much so that I didn’t even know what the Khwarezmid empire was until I started looking up dumb things that people have done in history. There is a legend that Khan literally interrupted a river so that it would flow through the Shah’s hometown, destroying it. They killed every last person in the empire and burned all of their writings and history. Genghis Khan pulled the equivalent of when you own someone on Twitter so hard they delete their account, only the Khwarezmid empire had an account of 45,000 followers and was doing pretty well in the retweet game. Genghis Khan basically just made Grant Brisbee delete his Twitter account, is what I’m saying, but in real life with a real empire.
2. Passing on little known rock group The Beatles
In January 1962, a Liverpool rock group known as The Beatles auditioned for Decca records in the UK. Decca records was looking for some new, up and coming talent to fill out their roster and manager Brian Epstein secured the audition for the Beatles on New Year’s Day. The Beatles' audition lasted an hour before Decca records declined to sign them, believing guitar groups weren’t going to last. They instead decided to go with Brian Poole and the Tremeloes.
The Beatles, of course, turned out to be pretty successful. You might know them for literally changing the face of pop music for an entire decade, as well as a little song called "Drive my Car." Brian Poole and the Tremeloes never reached the Billboard charts and instead are a trivia answer or fun fact you can break out at a party when Twist and Shout starts playing.
3. The French get upset by the English in Agincourt
So it’s October 1415 and the French are gearing up to kick some British ass in Agincourt, France along the northern border. The French outnumbered King Henry V’s army nearly 6 to 1 by some accounts and were excited by the fact that the British were on the brink of running back to England for the winter and trying the invasion again next summer.
Only, King Henry wasn’t out of this yet. France, like the Rockies bullpen, decided to pitch themselves into a pickle and came at the British into an area where they had 7,000 longbows on either side of them. The French were unable to flank the bows due to the fact that arrows are easier to shoot than it is to run. The British beat the French. It was embarrassing. To use a metaphor, it’s like losing to your rival in Pokemon when they have just their last Rattata left and they take down your entire lineup because for some reason, none of your Pokemon can withstand slash attacks. So you’re just screaming at your Gameboy but what’s the point?
The war later lasted over one hundred years and both countries are still here today but it’s still seen as one of the best military strategies of all time on one side while I think it’s more just the French were stupid as hell.
4. Cory Gearrin tries to throw a down the middle slider on Nolan Arenado
It’s Tuesday July 5th and the Rockies have lost six straight games. In their last four games they’ve scored only three runs and have looked absolutely lifeless on offense. In the box is Nolan Arenado, currently slashing .560/.630/2.000 with 71 home runs and 18,465 RBI against the Giants. Cory Gearrin is a reliever looking to get Nolan out.
Cory throws a slider, not a bad choice for a pitch, if he gets Nolan out in front of it. Only, for some reason this slider decides to not move at all. It hangs about as bad as anyone has ever hung a slider in the history of the world. Nolan smashes it for three runs and the Rockies now lead. The Giants lose the game. The pitch is real bad. Let's watch it again.
★ ★ ★
Connor watches The Bachelorette
This season, I've decided to watch the Bachelorette, I have never watched this show before, and I'm not sure if I like it or if I am just a fan of people making themselves look like idiots on national television. Maybe a little of both. Anyway, in this section, I will talk about something I noticed during my viewing of The Bachelorette.
There was no Bachelorette this week due to the 4th of July.
We still have six contestants hoping to be the one JoJo pretends to marry.
★ ★ ★
The Good Opinion of the Week
Each week, I will personally scour Rockies-related Twitter feeds for good opinions on food, music, movies, or even bottled water. I will feature anything that I look at and think "that is a good opinion." This week, the good opinion comes from Albuquerque TV news guy Jared Chester who tweets:
Ok so what I'm really getting at here is that incredible hashtag. It's a pun, it's a show that's based and filmed in Albuquerque, and it's easy to remember and use.
The fact that I didn't come up with this hashtag is the only thing eating at me. Where have I been? What was I doing? I'm upset with myself. Outstanding hashtag, let's all use it forever.
★ ★ ★
Has Connor Been Owned? (By someone other than Thomas Wilson)
Each week, our team of investigators and officials here at Connor, Inc., will look into whether Connor was the victim of an "own." For the uneducated, an own is often a comeback or put down that renders the person speechless and unable to turn the conversation around. It's also described as a "serve" or "savage." I'm a medical miracle in that at no point in my life have I been owned by anyone not named Thomas Wilson online or in real life.
Here is what is being brought forth to the Committee of Owns this week as alleged evidence of my owning:
Connor not being able to seal the deal? Shocker https://t.co/WBUlElQhJB— Bryan Kilpatrick (@purplerowBK) July 7, 2016
Uhh, what? What the? Who...? Huh?
Bryan Kilpatrick, the managing editor of Purple Row, is risking a mutiny here folks. Calling me out for being bad at romance is a crime in 27 states and frankly, I'm not above pressing charges here. He will be hearing from my lawyers on this matter.
The committee ruled that I was not owned in this instance due to the committee being undecided on the future of Bryan Kilpatrick as the head of this website and not as a deposed former dictator on an island like Napoleon.