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Walt Weiss goes car shopping: A play in one act

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Washington Nationals v Colorado Rockies
“Think I might buy a car today”-Walt Weiss
Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images

Welcome to Football Friday, a baseball column by Connor. Each week I will dive into the previous seven days of baseball news, shout my opinion into the void, discuss some things about the Colorado Rockies, and answer your emails. Some of them.

football friday

ACT 1 SCENE 1

Curtain opens to a car lot, a man [WALT WEISS] stands in the rows of cars looking perplexed and overwhelmed by the choices before him. Another man [SALESMAN JIM] approaches from stage right in a suit one size too big and a smile

SALESMAN JIM: Howdy! Looks like you’re shopping for a car today! What exactly are you looking for?

WALT WEISS: Hi, well, that’s the thing here, I’m not exactly sure.

JIM: Well, you’re in luck. I’m just the man to help you find the right car for you today.

WALT: Oh perfect, OK, awesome, great.

JIM: Are you looking for a new car or a used car?

WALT: Is there any way I can get a new car, use it way too much, and then trade it in for a used car?

JIM: Uh, what?

WALT: Like, say I wanted that nice flashy Corvette over there; it’s pretty great, right?

JIM: Yeah.

WALT: And say I wanted to drive it really fast for like a month, yeah?

JIM: OK ...

WALT: And then after that month I’ll come back here and trade it in for this ‘78 Oldsmobile with a rusted axle.

JIM: I just have one question.

WALT: Yeah?

JIM: Why?

WALT: Dunno, just feels right I suppose

JIM: Just ... feels ... right.

WALT: Or how about this: I buy this ‘84 Camaro that used to work real well but now it’s falling apart.

JIM: That car has a good veteran leadership to it. Really feels like it knows what it’s doing, even if whatever it’s doing is bad.

WALT: Yes, perfect, exactly what I need. I currently drive a nice 2011 Toyota Camry, but I feel like I only need to drive that car once in a while, you know? Seems like a once-in-a-while car.

JIM: Sir, I gotta be honest with you.

WALT: Please, call me Walt.

JIM: Alright, Walt, your whole line of thinking here is just ass backwards. You want to drive a worse car more often?

WALT: Yeah, isn’t that how it should be? You take your nicer car out less often?

JIM: N ... no. No. Not one bit.

WALT: Well, agree to disagree.

SALESMAN JIM is flabbergasted, he starts to walk around in circles. Walt continues to look around at each car, glancing in the window

WALT: Say, what’s the price on that giant RV with a bees nest living in it?

A car enters stage left, driven by someone who suspiciously looks like JEFF BRIDICH.

POSSIBLY JEFF BRIDICH (Yelling): Dibs on the bees nest.

Car exits.

WALT: Don’t worry, I know him. He’ll let me drive it at the worst possible times.

JIM (still confused): I guess I’m still wondering what it is you’re looking for.

WALT: I guess I’m looking for something that says, “I might not know what I’m doing,” but in a “It’s tough to say that what I’m doing isn’t somewhat justified” type of way.

JIM: Are we still talking about cars?

WALT: Like, you know when your dad is working on a car and he’s clearly working on something for the first time?

JIM: What?

WALT: And you see the manual open to a page and the entire garage of tools out next to him, and he’s working under the hood ...

JIM: I have other customers to get to.

WALT: He’s clearly just tinkering at this point and has no idea what he’s doing, but what’re you going to say, “Hey dad, stop working on that car”? No.

JIM: I would.

WALT: Because even though it looks like he doesn’t know what he’s doing you can’t quite pinpoint how a certified mechanic would do things differently.

JIM: Probably with superior knowledge and experience.

WALT: Basically what I’m saying is I want a car that is nice enough it’ll make me look good but bad enough that I can justify driving it like crap.

JIM: I’m going to get another salesman to help you. I actually just realized I have some things to catch up on.

WALT: Is this metaphor heavy handed enough?

The car containing what may possibly be Jeff Bridich enters stage right

POSSIBLY JEFF BRIDICH (Yelling): Make sure you get a 10 year lease!

Salesman Jim stares into the crowd as the curtain closes

★ ★ ★

The Good Opinion of the Week

Each week, I will personally scour Rockies-related Twitter feeds for good opinions on food, music, movies, or even bottled water. I will feature anything that I look at and think "that is a good opinion." This week, the good opinion comes from the Purple Dinosaur Podcast, who tweet:

FP Santangelo and the MASN broadcast are now confirmed the worst broadcast team in the majors for me.

I get it, Coors is bonkers and if you’re not used to it, you can get caught off guard by it.

But if I have to hear one more visiting broadcaster or journalist complain about Coors I’m going to go to their house and complain that they don’t cook chicken right or something. It’s just a tired narrative at this point.

WE GET IT the ballpark our favorite team plays in is crazy and a lot of teams score runs in it and it sometimes seems like the games go for seventeen hours. But, you can state something like that once without whining about it over 9 hours and three games.

I guess what I’m saying is, shut up.

Thanks for the opinion, PDP.

★ ★ ★

Who is better: Connor Farrell or Connor Harrell?

The Detroit Tigers have an outfield prospect named Connor Harrell, weirdly enough that is only one letter separated from my name, Connor Farrell. Each week we will compare the previous weeks in our lives and find out who is better, Connor Farrell (me) or Connor Harrell.

This week, Connor Harrell had a good week. He hit a home run against Hartford and Harrisburg, and stacked up a 4-for-9 shortened week to up his average to .272 and his OPS to a pretty good .754.

In the week of Connor Farrell, I ate a whole Red Baron pizza on Wednesday night and went 2-for-6 in a kickball defeat. It wasn’t a banner week in any sense of the word.

This week, Connor Harrell is better than Connor Farrell. We’ll get ‘em next week.

★ ★ ★

This week, in the Purple Row store

In this section, I will use my creative skills to create something that I am proposing to sell this week in the Purple Row store. This week, I’m selling a pennant to commemorate the Has Connor Been Owned? section of the column. It is on sale for 14.99 US dollars. Here it is:

Let everyone know you are a fan of a man who has only been owned once! Each purchase comes with a free Purple Row sticker and a personal phone call from Cameron Goeldner. Buy today!

Regards,

Connor