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Rockies bullpen meltdown advisory system

Want to be warned of an impending bullpen meltdown? Don’t worry, I’m here to make these types of things come to life.

San Francisco Giants v Colorado Rockies - Game One Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images

Welcome to Football Friday, a baseball column by Connor. Each week I will dive into the previous seven days of baseball news, shout my opinion into the void, discuss some things about the Colorado Rockies, and generally just be a nuisance.

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The Rockies bullpen has fallen off a cliff. Heck, they’ve fallen off the Earth. The bullpen sports a 5.13 ERA, which is tied for the worst in the baseball. In the second half, they’ve been obliterated to the tune of a 5.20 ERA, including an ERA over six in the month of September.

Every night the bullpen goes out could be a night they effectively ruin our lives and any lead within four runs is most certainly not safe. Hell, even when the Rockies build an early seven run lead it’s not safe.

What’s worse about this bullpen is it effectively derailed a potential playoff run. If the ‘pen had solidified itself in August as even mediocre the Rockies could easily be within four games of a wild card spot and still pushing for a playoff spot. Yes, it’s pure speculation on whether the Rockies would be a playoff team with a different bullpen, but it’s speculation based on fact.

It’s not just the games where they blew a late lead. Think of all the games the Rockies have fought back within striking distance or tied after a big deficit, only to watch the bullpen allow the other team to answer with a few runs and take the lead away. Could you like add 10 wins? 15? Say you could flip 10 games in the standings and the Rockies are 79-67, guess where that puts them? In the lead for the wild card. The bullpen is bad, abysmal, horrible, and has done more than just ruin our lives. It killed a team’s chances. It took a team with energy arriving a year early and punted it into the cold, dark night.

Of course now, with the benefit of experience, we can all but expect the bullpen to blow it. But what about earlier? When the ‘pen toyed with our emotions and destroyed us every night? What about next season? Well, I’ve crafted an early alert warning system to warn fans of impending meltdowns. The Bullpen Meltdown Advisory System (TM) is a trademark of Football Friday Industries.

Here is the basic layout of the color coded advisory system:

A basic explainer of the five colors is below, We Good As Hell, My Dudes is the lowest possible potential for a bullpen meltdown, My Dad and I Have Decided To Go To Jail To Escape The Pain is the highest possible potential for a meltdown. We will go in-depth into what that means now.

Green: We Good As Hell, My Dudes

The lowest possible grade a bullpen meltdown can receive. This is reserved for huge leads late in games, a reliever who has been completely dominant the past week, or a confidence level unknown to Rockies fans (like the 2015 Royals who were consistently in this region).

Blue: Chill as Heck, Bring Me a Brew

Maybe it’s a close game, but you trust the guy on the bump to get the job done. The meltdown is a distant thought in your brain. You’re more concerned with getting a sweet brew (or root brew if you’re a teen) than the possibility that the Rockies could lose today. It’s a good, good life folks.

Yellow: Ok, This Could Be Bad

The closer has allowed a lead-off single. There’s nothing to worry about yet, there’s still plenty of time for your guy to get out of it. But, it’s a creeping sense of dread that maybe this could go bad, so the advisory system has been elevated to Yellow. Also relevant scenario: a bad reliever has entered the game.

Orange: Oh Sweet Heavens Why Have They Forsaken Us

The Orange level is for a bullpen that hasn’t closed down a game unscathed in a while, or a reliever who has sucked really bad the last few appearances (or season). The Orange level is often called the Wilton Lopez Memorial Warning as it honors the passing of our worst reliever, Wilton Lopez (who is not dead, but is dead to me).

Red: My Dad and I Have Decided To Go To Jail To Escape The Pain

The worst level, this is the warning sign when disaster and meltdown is imminent. Only reserved for the worst case scenarios (a bad reliever coming in the eighth inning with a one run lead and a man on). The Red is only used when the meltdown is 100% going to happen, usually a rare occurrence but this year has become all too common. The title is a quote, because it’s something you will probably say during the meltdown. In jail, the Rockies can’t hurt you.

Please use the bullpen meltdown advisory system for all future bullpen warnings. Thank you.

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The Good Opinion of the Week

Each week, I will personally scour Rockies-related Twitter feeds for good opinions on food, music, movies, or even bottled water. I will feature anything that I look at and think "that is a good opinion." This week, the good opinion comes from anyone who donated to Earth Man’s final spaceship.

Earthman, the best beer salesman that ever was, has been diagnosed with two stage IV brain tumors. A tragedy for anyone to endure, but especially so for someone as great as Earthman. A staple of Coors Field culture and a great man who always makes you feel like you are at home, Earthman will be missed if and when his time comes. But we know he'll fight.

Thank you to all who donated to help Earthman, please keep donating and spreading the word. Here is the GoFundMe. Godspeed Earthman. Godspeed.

★ ★ ★

Who is better: Connor Farrell or Connor Harrell?

The Detroit Tigers have an outfield prospect named Connor Harrell, weirdly enough that is only one letter separated from my name, Connor Farrell. Each week we will compare the previous weeks in our lives and find out who is better, Connor Farrell (me) or Connor Harrell.

Connor Harrell didn’t play this week, his season ended with Erie at the beginning of the month. So basically he’s on vacation now. Lucky. Due to him being on vacation and me being overworked, Connor Harrell had the better week. We’ll get him next time.

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This week, in the Purple Row store

In this section, I will use my creative skills to create something that I am proposing to sell this week in the Purple Row store. This week, I’m selling a magnet for your fridge that will help you hold up your letters or pictures and the like. It contains a picture of The Rooftop Party Deck and the words "BAD FAN" to let people know that you think the Rooftop is BAD. Because having fun is BAD unless people have fun exactly the same way you have fun.

Anyone who is enjoying a baseball game differently than you is BAD. Let ‘em know! This is America, Land of the Free, Home of the Brave, and we don’t take kindly to people doing things their own way. Tell those folks to fall in line!

The magnet is 13.99 in Japanese Yen and comes with one free book of your choice (as long as you choose Hustle, Loyalty, And Respect. The World of John Cena by Steve Panatelo.)