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Larry Walker should be in the stupid freaking Hall of Fame already

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Get this guy a plaque!!! With some numbers and data on why.

1997 Major League Baseball All-Star Game

Once again it appears that former Rockies outfielder and Maple Ridge, British Columbia, native Larry Walker will be left out of the Hall of Fame. He’s currently polling at 25 percent of the 200 or so known ballots for the Hall of Fame, which is more than Jill Stein but less than the 75 percent needed to gain entry into the Cooperstown, NY, building. This is unfortunate.

Also once again, we’ve seen arguments for and against Larry. This happens every year because opinions have a time-stamp and if you don’t rehash your opinions on whether or not someone deserves to be in the Hall of Fame then you will be forgotten by the sands of time. You have to get every retweet you can these days and the best way to do that is saying opinions.

The opinions against Larry range from “He did most of his hitting in the bonkers pinball machine that is Coors Field” to “He’s Canadian and the only Canadian I love is Ryan Reynolds.” The latter is a much more valid argument than the former; Ryan Reynolds is a delight and loving too many Canadians can cause toxic levels of maple in the bloodstream.

The Coors Field argument, however beaten into your brain it is, is actually a bad argument. Larry Walker was great everywhere. He was even great in Qualcomm Stadium, a concrete disaster that will be featured as propaganda in 1,000 years by the giant ape leadership that will control Earth as the Downfall of Humanity.

Larry’s dominance may have been centered in bonkers Coors Field, but it didn’t stay there. It traveled around the country like Bob Dylan or herpes. It went from New York to LA, from Detroit to Miami. Larry Walker’s dominance was great and it’s time to stop punishing him for existing in Coors Field.

Let’s examine the numbers, for anyone still unconvinced by that terrific logical argument.

72.6 Wins Above Replacement (according to Baseball Reference).

Larry Walker’s 72.6 WAR is 86th all time in Major League Baseball history. That means, of the thousands upon thousands of MLB players, Larry Walker is one of the 100 best players of all time.

Larry’s 72.6 WAR is higher than surefire Hall of Famers Derek Jeter, Tim Raines, Carlos Beltran, and Ivan Rodriguez. Walker also stands above enshrined hall members Gary Carter, Carlton Fisk, and Ernie Banks.

Larry also offers a substantial gap in his WAR when compared to the entire animal kingdom or literally anyone reading this post (unless Barry Bonds is reading). That also includes all of our dads.

Basically, the argument is there that the value Walker provided over the length of his career is Hall-caliber. WAR is the go-to for any initial baseball argument, as well as being the go-to Edwin Starr song. Walker’s value is calculated and tabulated across his entire career for use as a better judge against different eras.

The fact Larry could accumulate over 70 wins while also being injured a lot (missing around 30 games per year) is pretty bonkers.

Imagine you were up for “Employee of the Year” and you worked every day but there was another guy who missed 30 days throughout the year. You’d think, “I totally beat that guy, he was sick all the time.” But, here’s the kicker, when that guy was in, he would absolutely embarrass you with his work load. Like you’d be struggling to get one report in a day and he’d be asking if you need help after he finished his fifth. He’d be fixing the printer in his spare time because he was just so much better than everyone else. Also, he gave great office Christmas presents and never engaged in water cooler gossip.

Basically, I’m saying that Larry should get that parking spot at the front of the lot. He’s earned it.

But you’ve all heard this before, I’m preaching to the choir.

385 dingers. 385 whoppers. Three hundred and eighty five smackers.

Larry Walker’s 385 home runs don’t really register among the all-time greats. He didn’t get to the nice round 400, he didn’t blow the world away with any 60 home run seasons. Honestly, this section was mostly just so I could write the word “whopper”.

But, here are some graphs I made anyway:

Larry Walker absolutely decimates former President George H.W. Bush in career home runs.

And, here’s a graph I made for every home run Larry Walker hit compared to the number of times I’ve kissed a girl.

Wow, that’s a lot of kisses! I sure am popular with the ladies! Those are definite confirmed kisses, they are not to be questioned by any of the jokers and trolls online.

Larry Walker’s lucky number is 3. He wore 33 to double up the luck (which I don’t think is how luck works). In the end, Larry finished a .313 hitter with 385 home runs, 1311 RBI, and 913 walks.

Spooky, man! That’s a lot of threes. I’m not saying I believe in the supernatural, but if I was a voter I wouldn’t want to tempt the vengeful spirits that made sure Larry got plenty of threes in his final numbers.

One.

Larry Walker high fived me one time.

In 2002, I was at a Rockies game and I was 13. Larry Walker, then an outfielder for the Rockies, walked past a group of us kids on the first baseline and high fived all of us.

Pretty cool moment, I still remember it nearly 15 years later, getting high fived by my man 33. Larry joins former Broncos running back Terrell Davis and NBA legend Nick Van Exel as the only pro athletes to have touched my hand. Walker, if elected to the Hall of Fame, would be the first Hall of Famer to have touched my hand.

Basically, like anything else online, I wanted to make this about me. My hand, specifically. But me, overall. You might’ve thought this was a post about Larry Walker’s Hall of Fame chances and it is, in a way. But mostly, I wanted to remind everyone the reason you are on this post. It’s because of me. I deserve this. I need this.

Zero.

As in, the arguments against Larry Walker being a Hall of Famer have zero legs to stand on.

I rest my case.