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MLB Playoffs 2017: Roasting the Diamondbacks

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Does roasted snake taste like chicken?

MLB: Miami Marlins at Arizona Diamondbacks Rick Scuteri-USA TODAY Sports

The opponent for the Rockies‘ first playoff game in eight years is well known. The Rockies train with them in March and play against them 19 times a season. Not only that, they’re one of only four playoff opponents the Rockies have ever had, having played them before in 2007, making them familiar even in October.

That’s right folks, it’s the Arizona Diamondbacks. Every retiree’s favorite costumed group of baseball men. The Rockies head to Phoenix to take on the D-backs on Wednesday night in a one-game playoff for the right to beat Los Angeles in the NLDS.

Before the Rockies take on Arizona, you’ll probably read a thousand previews. They’ll talk about Trevor Story and Zack Greinke, they’ll talk about Nolan Arenado and Paul Goldschmidt, some might even talk about the game. But none, not one, will roast the Arizona Diamondbacks.

That’s what this is for.

The Diamondbacks don’t get roasted enough. They seem to slide under the radar of richer and more annoying teams like the Giants or the Dodgers. But, boy, there is a lot to roast here.

Let us begin.

Hey Diamondbacks, it’s not a Cher concert it’s a baseball game! Why so many outfit changes? Play that drum snare!

Arizona rebrands so often it probably has a trademark lawyer on retainer! Play that drum snare!

It’s like, hey Diamondbacks why do you need five alternates? Worried you might stain the other four? Play that drum- ah that one sucked actually. Sat on this joke one for one too many zingers.

But seriously, just look at the magnitude of logos they’ve brought forth into the world since their expansion in 1998:

Like, we get it Arizona. Maybe try to make your ballpark worth a visit instead of making four hundred different logos that you ditch quicker than an eighth-grade girl ditches her celeb crushes.

Let’s talk about that ballpark. Chase Field has come under fire in recent years mostly due to the fact the Diamondbacks organization hates its stupid guts. Let me tell you, I agree. The place stinks.

Next time you’re in Phoenix take yourself by this airplane hangar that has terrible parking and a god awful location for entrances. It’s like in Sim City when you build an airport right next to City Hall because you don’t have any more space. Only it’s a baseball stadium and it’s downtown.

They stuffed a stadium wherever it would fit and now nobody likes to go. I’m shocked it’s not working out for anyone.

Look, the Diamondbacks, as a franchise, are wildly more successful than the Rockies throughout their history. They have division titles, a World Series ring, and many heroic moments.

What they don’t have is literally anything else. Their history seems weird because of the rebrands, like it was a different franchise in a different place. Arizona in general seems like a state where you don’t really know people from, like citizens just pass through it and end up elsewhere. Colorado is a state of transplants but Arizona feels like a state where everyone is just there for a minute and is thinking about leaving soon. Arizona is the “too many dudes at this party” of states.

Phoenix, as a town, feels like being a teenager; everyone was there once but nobody is there anymore. You visit Phoenix and it is neither good or bad. It just is. It exists the same way airport sandwiches exist. You have definitely eaten one but could you really describe what it tasted like? It’s not unique but it’s also not common. Phoenix is impossible to describe beyond “it’s nice.” Because it is nice, but we just don’t know how or why.

The Arizona Diamondbacks are a perfect representation of the state of Arizona in that I don’t really care about them until they annoy me. This is never more prevalent than when Paul Goldschmidt steps up to the plate. Ask me how often I think about Paul when he’s not directly influencing the Rockies game. It’s never. Who cares. Is he good? Probably but I’m not an expert because Arizona doesn’t bother me enough to care.

Oh and J.D. Martinez? Does that stand for John Doe? He might as well be an unidentified person to me, I don’t care. I’ll probably care tonight, but then I’ll probably stop caring. In February someone will say what happened to J.D. Martinez? I’ll say “who?” and then you’ll get mad at me because I’m obviously playing a bit and I know who J.D. Martinez is.

Folks, the Diamondbacks are a multi-jersey wearing, sad stadium having, team of John Doe losers and they should consider themselves roasted.