FanPost

The Definitive Team Rankings by a Very Serious Committee of Me

Brad Mills-USA TODAY Sports

Teams I irrationally hate

30. New York Yankees

29. Boston Red Sox

You know those kids that like the Yankees, the Lakers, the Patriots, and the Penguins? Yeah, that’s one of my best friends. Sure, he "claims" to be a fon of the players like Jeter and LeBron, but that’s basically the same thing in my book. I’ll never root for the Yankees except when they’re playing the Red Sox, literally the only team I dislike more than the Yankees.

I’ll never forgive the Red Sox for 2007. Plain and simple. It’s unfortunate that I live here now and have to suffer through the insufferable New Englanders and another potential Patriots championship, but there you go.


The division rivals

28. San Francisco Giants

27. Arizona Diamondbacks

I dislike these teams equally, but for completely different reasons. The Giants and their devil magic makes them insufferable and their fans like to put people in comas so there’s that. The D-Backs were founded in 1998 and won the World Series in 2001, forever putting them in the "need to hate them solely because they won first" category. Plus, there’s been a good competition for third place in the division recently which always makes the series feel more interesting than it actually is.


Teams that were annoyingly good for a long time

26. St. Louis Cardinals
25. Philadelphia Phillies

24. Atlanta Braves

The Phillies and Braves have hit some hard times, but they were annoyingly good-not-great for a really long time in my childhood. It was annoying and I was jealous of their success and wanted it for my team but my team couldn’t do it so I didn’t like them. Same goes for the Cardinals but I hate them more because of #recencybias.


Team that won a championship before the Rockies and started in the same year

23. Miami Marlins

I don’t like them for the same reason I don’t like the D-Backs; they won a championship before we did and will forever be the enemy. They also won two, which is doubly worse than winning one. Watching Giancarlo Stanton hit is fun and I loved Jose Fernandez, but that’s not enough to eliminate that "ha ha we did it first" storyline. Boo.


Teams I feel sorry for

22. Cincinnati Reds

21. San Diego Padres

20. Detroit Tigers

19. New York Mets

18. Oakland Athletics

17. Los Angeles Angels

16. Chicago White Sox

15. Seattle Mariners

Throughout my lifetime, these teams have just been typically bad. The Reds haven’t won since 1990, the Padres still haven’t won (sad), the Tigers last won in 1984, Mets in 1986, and the A’s in 1989. Hell, the Mariners haven’t even been to a World Series. These teams I mentioned just haven’t been good, outside of the Tigers, in my lifetime and I had to look up to see what year the Tigers made it to the World Series. It feels much further away than 2012. The Angels and White Sox have seen success, but will forever be the forgotten teams of their cities. The Mets fall under that same category; no matter how hard they try, they’ll always be in the shadow of their older brothers.


The Dodgers

14. Los Angeles Dodgers

So my grandpa was a huge Dodgers fan and my dad grew up in L.A. so I feel obligated to put them in the top half. I hate that their good and in our division but watching Kershaw work is always fun and Vin Scully was always a treat. But they’re the enemy.


Teams that I used to like but now I don’t as much because they’re good or cocky or have Manny Machado on them

13. Chicago Cubs

12. Kansas City Royals

11. Toronto Blue Jays

10. Baltimore Orioles

All three of these teams used to be bad and now they’re pretty good. So I like them less. If you asked me three years ago they would all be top ten. They’re great teams to watch though; lots of fun players even though I don’t like that they’re perceived better than the Rockies players like Kris Bryant and Manny Machado. It’s weird that they play third base. Must be a coincidence.

I liked the Royals a lot when they were still developing the core that they have now. I liked the "Trust the Process" mentality because I believed that was the best way for that team to succeed, just like the 76ers and Joel Embiid. Now they won and they’re no longer top-10 material. The Orioles get the edge because I’d probably get attacked if I ranked them behind the Blue Jays the next time I saw my girlfriend’s family.


The non-divisional family obligations

9. Milwaukee Brewers

8. Minnesota Twins

My mom grew up in Milwaukee and my cousins live in Minnesota so I grew up passively rooting for them. It definitely helped that neither team really amounted to anything greater than the Rockies. The Twins gave us Michael Cuddyer and Justin Morneau so that was fun. Negative points to the Brewers for Ryan Braun, sullying the name of Jewish athletes everywhere.


The teams that have seen some success that are likeable

7. Cleveland Indians

6. Texas Rangers

5. Houston Astros

4. Pittsburgh Pirates

The Indians probably have some of the Browns empathy, but their previous woes seem far behind them. They’re one exciting team between Jason Kipnis, Francisco Lindor, Corey Kluber, Danny Salazar, and Carlos Carrasco and with the additions of Edwin Encarnacion and Andrew Miller, they stand as the strongest team in the American League.

I like the Rangers because of Josh Hamilton’s redemption story. They’re an outlier; they have all the money in the world and still can’t win a World Series, which usually wouldn’t garner my sympathy. But I liked that Hamilton was able to overcome his addiction enough to continue to pursue his dream. He did that as a Ranger so I like the Rangers, apparently.

The Astros and Pirates have always had a soft spot as fellow teams that have not won the World Series. The Bagwell/Biggio/Berkman trio was always exciting/terrifying to face and their new, young team is just as exciting. The Pirates were a sad sack for so long that all I wanted was for them not to be sad and it looked like they figured it out. Hopefully they can get back on track again, but their repeated prospect failure and inability to even make the playoffs just made me feel bad for them.


The adopted team

3. Washington Nationals

I lived in Washington for six years and kind of grew some affections with the team. They still can’t win and haven’t really clicked with the locals, but I had some good times there. Plus, new Rockie Ian Desmond was my favorite player on their team while he was there so get ready for some irrational Desmond love (but rationally, I think he’ll earn his contract).


The Rockies of the American League

2. Tampa Bay Rays

For a second there in the late 2000’s, I really thought they cracked the code. They were a fun team to follow and succeeded in the American League East, where their entire payroll was probably George Steinbrenner’s yearly salary. I definitely have a soft spot for Evan Longoria and want every single pitcher that the Rays will inevitably want to trade (I’m looking at you, Chris Archer) and will always thank them for German Marquez. The Rays are my second favorite team.

If you want to read a cool story about the Rays and how difficult of a journey it was to bring baseball to the Tampa/St. Petersburg area, read Jonah Keri’s book The Extra 2%: How Wall Street Strategies Took a Major League Baseball Team from Worst to First. One of my favorite baseball books from my favorite baseball writer.


The Rockies

1. Colorado Rockies

They will forever be my team. Forever and ever and ever and ever.

Eat. Drink. Be Merry. But the above FanPost does not necessarily reflect the attitudes, opinions, or views of Purple Row's staff (unless, of course, it's written by the staff [and even then, it still might not]).