The Rockies need a rival, so I gave them 29

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Patrick Saunders wrote this week that the Rockies are the least hated team in MLB according to a study by Northern Kentucky University. After scrutinizing the data, it turns out that the Rockies have zero rivals.

Zero.

That makes me sick.

Rivalries improve all sports. General disdain for an opposing team makes every game seem like a championship, every inning seem important. I hate the San Francisco Giants so much I scream at Buster Posey while he’s buying groceries in January. This rivalry is one sided, however, and Buster has since gotten a 500-foot restraining order against me.

The Rockies need rivals, badly. They need to play important games in June by hating the teams that they play.

How about we give them 29 rivals?

I’ve written a short reason why each team sucks and why we should hate them below. Every game is going to be a rivalry game now. Suck it, rest of the league. Here come the Rockies, let’s be MLB’s most hated.

Rivals

Atlanta: General Sherman burned it to the ground in 1864 but for some reason they rebuilt it into a bunch of annoying fans on Twitter and a team that hates fun.

Arizona: Division rival in an annual contest with the Rockies to determine which team is weirder. Built a team on grit and hustle and failed miserably. Ballpark sucks.

Baltimore: Sportswriters lose their mind when the Orioles are good because main characters in HBO’s The Wire were Orioles fans. The worst part about Baltimore making the playoffs is FIFTY sportswriters thinking they’re all being clever by asking what Detective McNulty would think about this team.

Boston: Bill Simmons.

Chicago Cubs: I mean, do I really need to write anything? Follow literally any Cubs fan on Twitter.

Chicago White Sox: For some reason, they act like they’re not worse run than the Rockies but they’re just the American League version of the 2002 Monforts.

Cincinnati Reds: Pete Rose.

Cleveland Indians: Try and have a conversation with an Indians fan about Chief Wahoo. “Oh it’s about Nap Lajoie,” they say. Uhh ok it’s still extremely racist, pal. Also, Major League 2 was terrible.

Detroit Tigers: If Ian Kinsler had a Twitter account, he’d definitely follow Cloyd Rivers.

Houston Astros: George H.W. Bush?? I don’t know. Houston is hot. I guess I just admitted I hate a 92-year-old man.

Kansas City Royals: Same fans as the Chiefs, which despite laughably choking in the playoffs every single season, have fans who think they’re contenders. Hahaha.

Los Angeles Dodgers: The Mr. Potter of Baseball. Basically, if we wished we’d never have been born MLB would be renamed Dodgersville and be built up with strip clubs and shifty bars for cheap dollars.

Los Angeles Angels: Ruining Mike Trout. The Rally Monkey was stupid. Their stadium is located in an area of California that reaches more than 100 degrees consistently.

Miami Marlins: Their owner is a jagbag. Marlins Man sucks.

Milwaukee Brewers: Ahhh, this is hard. Milwaukee is great. Umm, an Air BNB once canceled on me the week I was supposed to stay there, which was really annoying.

Minnesota Twins: TOO COLD.

New York Mets: Always claim they’re New York’s real team. Mostly fun to watch. The 7-Line Army is an obnoxious group of rich people trying to claim they’re just real fans.

New York Yankees: If you didn’t grow up hating the Yankees, you probably grew up in Manhattan.

Oakland Athletics: THEIR STADIUM IS FILLED WITH POOP.

Philadelphia Phillies: Philly is a great town but now its residents are getting a little too cocky about that fact. Also, if you tweet any smack talk about Philly, you get yelled at for four (4) days.

Pittsburgh Pirates: They beat the Rockies all the time, so they are the easiest to hate. Every year I’m like “oh cool a series in Pittsburgh” and then the Rockies get swept and I’m like “I wish Bane had blown this city up.”

San Diego Padres: Oh look at our beautiful city. It’s so great—delicious tacos and a beach near by aren’t we amazing? Shut up San Diego.

San Francisco Giants: I will not even entertain the idea of liking the Giants.

Seattle Mariners: Hey Seattle, coffee much? Idiots.

St. Louis Cardinals: I mean, come on.

Tampa Bay Rays: They are in a stadium where rules had to be made up due to where the ball hits metal structures. No thanks!

Texas Rangers: Uhh, Nolan Ryan is kind of a jerk? I don’t know, he was an amazing pitcher. Kind of a jerk though. Nolan Ryan.

Toronto Blue Jays: Josh Donaldson. Easy to hate, real jerk. Huge lame bro.

Washington Nationals: Some people hate Bryce Harper’s hair or his overall “I’m a young person” demeanor. I hate that they never let Teddy Roosevelt win.

★ ★ ★

The Good Tweet of the Week

This week’s good tweet comes to us from Purple Dino Podcast. The WORST podcast on the Rockies (and also the best).

With Clayton Kershaw’s latest reason to blame things other than the Rockies for (very briefly) sucking, Purple Dinosaur Podcast has created a great bingo game to play when teams talk about losing in Coors. Maybe it’s because the Rockies are so lovable, but man do teams hate losing to us. They’ll come up with any reason under the sun to blame us for their failures.

Kershaw blaming Anderson for taking two extra minutes is the equivalent of hitting the steering wheel at traffic or beating up a little kid who takes the last Sno-Caps at the movie theater. It’s so inconsequential to the entire situation but you just feel like you have to blame someone other than yourself.

I’m glad I finally have a reason to hate Kershaw.