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The Rockies must satisfy the BABIP Gods with a sacrifice

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The Gods are angry, the BABIP is bad, a sacrifice will change our fortunes

Philadelphia Phillies v Colorado Rockies Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images

Welcome to Football Friday (Season Two). The wildly popular weekly column has returned for a second year of diving into the theories, analysis, and fun of baseball. Every week we here at Football Friday will use all of our integrity and other things that sound impressive to deliver the best baseball column you’ve ever seen or ever will see. We at Football Friday, Inc are honest, truthful, and most of all we’re serious journalists. Every single one of us.

The Colorado Rockies have left Milwaukee with a 3-1 record, a tie for first place, and a bullpen that looked every bit as advertised, pitching out of some tough jams.

But people are worried. More so than usual. People are worried that Jon Gray and Tyler Anderson are going to sophomore slump; people are worried that the magic has run out on gold mine finds Charlie Blackmon and DJ LeMahieu; people are worried that the Rockies will disappear in the Chilean mountains somehow and we’ll never have a team again. Maybe not that last one.

But, we don’t need to worry. Even though we feel like we have to.

The Rockies are just getting punished by the BABIP Gods.

The BABIP Gods are angry folks, so angry they’ve decided to attack three of the Rockies best hitters and their two best pitchers. The Gods are merciless and have attacked them swiftly, we must respond in kind.

The Rockies must conduct a sacrifice.

The Gods will only respond to the blood of the innocent. This is the way the BABIP Gods have always worked.

We must sacrifice Dinger.

The lovable dinosaur mascot is innocent and pure. The Gods will take his soul as penance and the Rockies BABIP will rise to league average levels, I am sure of this. Dinger’s blood will please the great Lords of BABIP.

If we do not sacrifice Dinger, every bloop, every Texas Leaguer, every swinging bunt will land for a hit for our opponents. Meanwhile, our hitters will see every screamer gobbled up, every 50/50 ball on the foul line will land outside, every wall scraper will land in a glove instead of the seats. I’m simply suggesting we take our beloved mascot and sacrifice his soul to the BABIP Gods for the good of the team, this should not be controversial.

I won’t describe ways we should sacrifice Dinger—I don’t want to scar the children who undoubtedly read this niche comedy baseball column. I just think we should do it. It’s for the good of the team, you guys.

★ ★ ★

The Good Tweet of the Week

This week’s good tweet comes from Rockies minor league reliever (who is confirmed to existing) Jerry Vasto.

First things first, I love MiLB, if you haven’t noticed. I love the personality the game has that unfortunately seems to disappear in the majors. These young kids, all grinding the same way on long bus trips and late night meals for low pay: it’s a struggle, one that claims countless careers, and one I’ve come to respect and enjoy over the last few years of my baseball fandom.

Second things second, peanut butter sandwich is a top tier sandwich.

In the sandwich rankings, I would put peanut butter (no jelly or honey or hazelnut) in the top five without hesitation. I love a good reuben, I love a BLT, and I love a good hot dog (which is a sandwich). But peanut butter and bread is almost unmatched in it’s simplicity and deliciousness. It’s truly an undefeated sandwich.

Vasto, who definitely exists, captures two of my favorite things in one tweet. Tough to do, but gives him tweet of the week.

★ ★ ★

Nolan Arenado vs.

In this segment, I will pit the best baseball player in the history of the world, Nolan Arenado, vs. several things that are big, scary, or awesome. I will analyze if Nolan would win this battle.

This week, we have Nolan Arenado vs. A Giant Redwood Tree from Marin County, California

The Giant Redwoods of Northern California are a wonder of the natural world. They can grow to taller than 350 feet and a diameter of 24 feet. They’re massive trees that blow the mind of anyone who sees them.

Nolan Arenado is a wonder of the natural world. He can hit home runs much longer than 350 feet and his range has a diameter of 24 feet. He’s a massive(ly good) third baseman that will blow the mind of anyone who sees him.

Wow, this is looking like a tie so far folks.

In Nolan’s favor is the fact baseball bats are made of wood, so if he wanted to he could just make a giant redwood some bats. It would last probably all season.

In the tree’s favor is the fact it weighs over 4,000 pounds and would crush Nolan to death. Very formidable.

I think I still have to give this one to Nolan Arenado. It’s just too difficult to get anything by him when he’s looking to swing.

★ ★ ★

So This Happened

So, last night, this happened.

Bill Murray attended last night’s Charleston River Dogs game and decided, this would be the perfect time to try and bribe the umps.

Pretty good.