Finding the Rockies a celebrity bandwagon

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The Rockies, at 43-26, sit in first place for the 62nd day of 2017. The team’s rapid rise and subsequent stabilization as one of the best teams in the National League has got a lot of people around sports talking.

Now that the Rockies are good and we definitely know that, they’re only missing one thing: Celebrity bandwagons.

A celebrity bandwagon is a rite of passage for any good sports franchise as they move from years of futility into a talented roster. It’s a time honored tradition when the celebs take notice and start to realize that they want to have fun with the common folk in the public air of sports. How generous of them.

Teams like the Cavaliers were not even on celebrity radars for decades, then they became an elite franchise. Suddenly, Rihanna and John Legend were sitting courtside rubbing elbows with rich white dentists. It was really great.

The Rockies need this celebrity bandwagon to become a stable franchise. I’m not just talking local businessmen like Dealin’ Doug and John Elway. I mean real, tangible celebs. The big ones, the ones that get people talking! I’ve created a list of celebrities the Rockies can have sitting behind the plate all summer long.

Celebrity #1: Drake

Drake is easy and obvious. He loves every team and is not ashamed of glory hunting so he can hang out with famous athletes. If he showed up to a Rockies games in a Desmond jersey you KNOW that would mean the team has made it. The Rockies should be actively encouraging Drake to make an appearance at this point. He’s like a flag you fly. “Drake is here, we are good now.”

Celebrity #2: Dick Van Dyke

Who better than one of the oldest celebrities alive? I know when I am ready to get fired up for a huge Rockies playoff I want to see the oldest person I have ever seen walk into the stadium and sit down for three innings. God, could you imagine? Heck yeah.

Celebrity #3: President of Turkey, Tayyip Erdogan

Erdogan has gotten himself into hot water recently with this whole thing where he’s become a de facto dictator of Turkey. This uh, situation, may make for some awkward moments if/when he becomes a Rockies fan but I think it would overall be a positive experience to have him attend games. We could have some fun games like “Please don’t beat up any of our fans, Tayyip.” or “President Erdogan, can you please not eat all of our nachos?” These would really unify the fans around a common cause, winning. Because losing means President Erdogan beats up an old lady.

Celebrity #4: Serena Williams

Possibly the biggest individual athlete in the world right now, Serena Williams attending Rockies games consistently would really up the celeb score for the club as they pursue their first division title in club history. The video board could flash SERENA TIME and then the camera would pan over to her and she would be awkwardly waving or something. Then the crowd would go NUTS. Everyone would be shouting “yeah Serena wave towards my general direction!” It would be so awesome.

Celebrity #5: The Frozen Head of Ted Williams

This, folks, this is the golden goose. Ted Williams’s head, frozen in Arizona since 2002, can be a part of the celebrity bandwagon. Nothing would pump the crowd up more than Teddy Ballgame’s frozen head making it’s way to the mound. The noise would build to a crescendo as Williams’s head was slowly walked from the dugout by a handler. Fear and wonder as the camera panned around the frozen dome of the once great American. What an honor for one of the greatest hitters of all-time. What an honor for all of us.

With these five celebs in our bandwagon, the Rockies fanbase would finally be respectable and beloved. The Rockies will finally be able to stand with the big dogs of professional sports.

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So This Happened

OK I want to bring up something that many others have not brought up since this video went viral. This has to be staged.

It is always terrible to propose in such a public space if you don’t know that they’re going to say yes and haven’t had proposal conversations.

That being said...this has to be fake.

Exhibit A: The woman is saying no almost immediately. Shaking her head as he stands up. Any person, ANY person, would take that as a hint to maybe not propose. This guy is either the world’s dullest knife or, as I’m arguing, this is fake. It’s not real.

Exhibit B: The woman’s purse. Why is it placed on that shelf? I’ll tell you why: she was looking to grab it after FAKE DECLINING A FAKE PROPOSAL FOR THEATRICAL EFFECT. Look, there is literally no other reason for that purse to be posted up there and not in a seat or at the couple’s feet. This is damning.

I’m not saying I am Sherlock Holmes but I will say this: this is a fake thing.

Please don’t propose at a stadium that I’m at.

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Are the Rockies going to win the World Series?

Stop asking this question, of course they are.