Welcome to Football Friday (Season Two). The wildly popular weekly column has returned for a second year of diving into the theories, analysis, and fun of baseball. Every week we here at Football Friday will use all of our integrity and other things that sound impressive to deliver the best baseball column you’ve ever seen or ever will see. We at Football Friday, Inc. are honest, truthful, and most of all we’re serious journalists. Every single one of us.
Welcome to The Lost Files, Football Friday’s investigative journalism specialty column. The Lost Files are dedicated to overturning the biggest conspiracies in baseball. The secrets baseball tries to keep are the secrets The Lost Files will work to find. No matter the cost.
This week, The Lost Files explores the Colorado Rockies, a surprise contender in the National League. The Rockies were expecting to be better this year, but at 13 games over .500 coming into the final series of July, they’re certainly in a better than anticipated spot.
This raises the question: What was the plan if the team was bad? The Lost Files hacked into the marketing computers (the password is D!nger) to find out what the Rockies had planned to get people to the games if this contention window didn’t work out. Quotes are real, actual marketing department notes. This is real.
September 15th: Battlefield: Earth Night
Trying to recapture the fun of Star Wars night, the Rockies had planned to celebrate the great John Travolta sci-fi film Battlefield: Earth with a themed night!
All fans will get to go home with a John Travolta wig! The first 15,000 fans will get to meet Richard Tyson who played a character named Robert the Fox in the movie.
I didn’t see it—can someone explain who Robert the Fox was?
September 25th: Fall Equinox
The Rockies will celebrate the fall equinox by throwing a bunch of leaves on the field and making people rake them up! Fun for the whole family!
Apple and pumpkin spiced things will be featured during the game as concessions and some players will even wear hoodies to celebrate the changing weather! You won’t want to miss this one folks!
August 30th: Cameron Diaz’s Birthday
Happy birthday Cameron Diaz (and John Elway)! To celebrate America’s brightest star, the Rockies will be playing Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle before AND after the game! Make sure and get your tickets early for this one!
Cameron Diaz won’t be making an appearance. She’s very busy; please stop asking.
October 1st: Try to hit Chase Utley with an egg
Not the real Chase Utley!
“With the Dodgers in town for the final series of the season, the Rockies set up Chase Utley cutouts all around the stadium and are giving each fan three eggs! Hit Chase Utley with your eggs! (Please do not throw the eggs at the real Chase Utley.)
I think they should still do that one.
September 30th: Fan Appreciation Day!
To appreciate the fans, the Rockies have allowed eight lucky fans to be catcher for the day! Wow how exciting! Catch some fastballs from Jon Gray, or maybe a slider from Greg Holland! DO NOT BLOW THIS OPPORTUNITY!
The eight lucky fans will be chosen by lottery before the game, make sure to get to your seats early so that you can up your chances!
The Lost Files has worked tirelessly to bring you this information. We took both personal and financial risk to bring you this information. Please do not share it lightly!
★ ★ ★
Here is something I found
Here is something I found online: a Huffington Post story on the sport of Wife Carrying. First of all: weird. I’m not going to comment on the weird sport. It’s weird, we all agree. There’s nothing else to say.
Look at that article again. All the pictures have been removed—not lost, removed. Why? What was happening in these pictures? Why were they all removed?
Is Wife Carrying a secret? Are we not allowed to view what it looks like?
Huffington Post, I demand you show us these photos of Wife Carrying. If you do not respond to my demands I will make a change dot org petition to make you reply. Do not incur my wrath.
★ ★ ★
Will the Rockies win the World Series?
Yeah. I mean, if you want them to.