Having reached the midpoint of the season, it’s time for someone to make a series of detailed predictions in the hopes that getting even one right will give him an eternal bar-argument trump card.
The following predictions are based on extensive research from “the Internet,” as well as advanced analytic arguments on Twitter, and a dream I had the other night. I’ll bet my “Bloody Celebration” tee that all, some, or none of the following predictions will come true.
Jon Gray no-hits the Marlins.
… through seven innings. At 138 pitches, Bud Black can’t leave him in, but Gray strikes out 10, walks 11, and throws a 99 mph fastball in the 6th.
Jeff Huson says “Subaru Strike Zone” 1,000 times in a single 9-inning game.
The previous record for repeated phrases in a single Rockies’ broadcast had also belonged to Huson, who managed to say “Well, and it is” 946 times in a game on May 26, 2012. After restating a Goodman comment about Ian Desmond being a “baseball player”—using three times as many words—Huson is unable to say anything other than “Subaru Strike Zone” for four straight innings. Goodman manages to make the verbal yips resemble typical Huson game analysis, so only two pedantic viewers from Golden even notice.
David Dahl makes an appearance.
After returning to the lineup for two games in August, Dahl is placed back on the DL with an acute axilla laceration. The discomfort ends his season.
CarGo finishes the season with 25 home runs.
That’s right. Mark it down. On July 4, 2017, yours truly accurately predicted a CarGo late-season outburst. He bats .190 in the process, but of his 24 hits, 19 go yard.
Raimel Tapia’s .401 BA will lead the league.
He won’t win the batting title, though, because he won’t have enough at bats. The batting title will go to Justin Turner, who finishes at .399. In his last at bat in game 162, with two outs and the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth—Turner needing just a single to reach .400—Yasiel Puig gets thrown out at first while flipping off the crowd with his back to the plate.
Aaron Judge wins the NL MVP too.
Unable to feign any semblance of objectivity, the baseball writers unanimously select Aaron Judge as both AL and NL MVP. On Pardon the Interruption, Tony Kornheiser says about his vote: “The Yankees are more important to baseball than the balls and bats. I voted Judge for the Cy Young, too.”
The Dodgers make the playoffs.
I just want to make sure I get one right.
The Giants do not make the playoffs.
Two for ten is better than most prognosticators.
The Diamondbacks do not make the playoffs. After a furious run by the Cubs to capture the first wildcard slot, the Diamondbacks, hampered by a late-season pitching slump and a stint on the DL for Goldschmidt, take a dive in September. They make it to a play-in game for the last wildcard spot against your Colorado Rockies.
Greinke starts for the D-backs on short rest; Chad Bettis makes his 10th start for the Rockies. Goldschmidt hits two home runs off Bettis; CarGo and Story each get one off Greinke. The game is tied 5-5 going into the bottom of the 13th. With two outs, Ryan McMahon hits a pop fly to right. Matt Holliday tags from third. Holliday slides head first, misses the plate completely, and is called safe! Rockies win and go to their first playoffs since 2009.
The Cubs win the World Series
Two straight for the Cubbies, who don’t win another title until 2096 amidst a PEI (performance enhancing implants) scandal. Kris Bryant goes 0-for-the-series (because these are my predictions, and I’m sick of hearing about how great a .263 hitter is). But the Cubs win anyway.
★ ★ ★
It really is quite a season. There’s the Arenado catch on Aug. 23, and the walk-off walk on Sept. 12. The Rockies make major strides toward long-term contention. The Dodgers spend a quarter of a billion dollars on a division title. And the D-backs continue to have the worst uniforms in the history of professional baseball.
I’m dying to tell you about Brendan Rodgers, too. But I guess I should leave some things to the imagination.