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Won’t Mark Reynolds think of the children?

I only have one question for Mark: how dare you?

MLB: Colorado Rockies at San Francisco Giants Stan Szeto-USA TODAY Sports

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On Tuesday night, Mark Reynolds did the absolute unthinkable.

I’ll let hero and champion of the REAL America Keith Olbermann describe to you the horrible crime Mark committed on the field of play.

My god.

Can you believe this, folks? Can you believe this? Where are the MODERATORS of baseball? Where are Mark Reynolds’ parents? Won’t he think of the children watching who now think it’s ok to just open up a pack of sunflower seeds and eat them?? While a ball is out there on the field?

I just can’t believe Mark Reynolds would do such a thing. To eat sunflower seeds during an active baseball game? Folks, I can’t begin to think of a worse crime. Keith, know you have an ally in this fight. There is not a worse example for our children than to eat seeds during a baseball game.

I applaud Keith Olbermann for taking this moment to stand up for the dignity of our nation. I understand he’s currently very busy selling a book on how to be “Resistant” to President Trump while also releasing daily videos where he yells about politics and tweeting them to his followers over 20 times a day. That’s a tough lifestyle, not everyone can grift a class of people who still believe in political pundits. No, only Keith and Bill O’Reilly can tap into that sweet spot market of “people who still buy books” and “people who still think that old white guy has good ideas.” That’s a very small consumer window and it’s closing. So I can’t help but clap for the bravery of Keith to take time out of his day(s) and tweet about the INDIGNITY Mark Reynolds brings to the game.

He probably spits those sunflower seeds out you know! And where do those seeds go? That’s right, into the ground. Mark Reynolds is a litter bug, one of the rarest and worst crimes known to baseball.

Frankly, we need to think about the example Mark is setting for our children. How am I supposed to talk to them about this? What happens when my strong boys Ricard and Brendalyn come to me and ask “Papa! Why can I not spit seeds into the dirt like Mark Reynolds?” How am I supposed to react? What am I supposed to say? I demand Mark apologize.

Doesn’t Mark know who produces the most sunflowers? UKRAINE AND RUSSIA. Oh, so Mark is suddenly ok with authoritarian governments? Mark is suddenly ok with vicious autocrats like Vlad Putin? Wow. I can’t BELIEVE Mark Reynolds would do something like this. Frankly, this is a matter of national security now. Mark Reynolds is kompromat.

Keith Olbermann is a hero and he’s being dragged by the haters and losers of the online world. Who is going to stand up when society is torn asunder by the sunflower seed eaters of the world? If not Keith, who? You sit there in your tower and shout insults at a man trying to protect the world and you consider yourself good? I am embarrassed for you.

There IS a reason the Rockies have won one playoff series in a decade! There IS a reason they haven’t won more than 75 games in six seasons, you know what that reason is? Sunflower seeds. Clown shoes organization, man. Just letting SUNFLOWER SEEDS on the FIELD OF PLAY?

Keith let the Rockies know how irrelevant they are with a classic Alpha move.

“Hey just saw this” is on the Mount Rushmore of Alpha online moves. Up there next to “I’m too busy working to answer you right now,” and “I’m sorry I have a life I can’t respond to your stupid tweets.” All three are great ways to show that 1) you’re super busy and decided that their tweets are not a priority on your to-do list but 2) you want to make sure you let them know that fact. People can’t think that you’re not busy and they also need to know that you are too busy to tweet back at them in a reasonable time frame. It’s gorilla mindset and oh baby does Keith have it.

Keith Olbermann’s double down on this issue is not something he’s doing in order to trend on Twitter or breach relevance again. It is a real and actual issue that definitely requires multiple days of tweeting and attention and something he definitely believes in very strongly. It’s a serious thing that he needs to believe in strongly and frankly it is offensive that the jokers online do not also believe strongly in this thing.

Mr. Olbermann I applaud you for your bravery online. You are truly one of the greatest posters and you are definitely making a difference in this world.

Salute to you, sir.