Welcome to Labor Unrestball Friday, a baseball column! With Major League Baseball fully diving into a pit of unrest and despair over the lack of movement on top free agents, Football Friday is now your #1 source for Labor Theory and Unrest blogging. I know you expect Football Friday to be a serious source for your thoughts on important issues and we take that to heart. That’s why we’ve rebranded and fired anyone who didn’t know about Labor with no severance or warning. Some might say that’s ironic, we say shut up.
This weird winter in MLB has now led to a few players floating the idea of a boycott of Spring Training. Spring Training is a good bargaining chip for the union, players don’t receive game checks for the spring, so a boycott would be easy so long as players believe they could work out on their own. The players could simply no-show and don’t miss any paychecks, forcing the owners to either call their bluff before Opening Day or head to the negotiation table.
Now, what happens if the players do boycott? Keep in mind, the rumors of a boycott have not been substantiated and many players have refuted them entirely. But here at Labor Unrestball Friday we play in the “what if?” and this what if is a huge one. So, what happens to you (the fan) if the players decide to not show up to Spring Training?
There won’t be any games! You’ll just be stuck in Arizona with tickets to a game that isn’t happening like every Diamondbacks fan with NLCS tickets last year! It seems like the worst punishment God can put on someone to strand them in Phoenix, Arizona without any baseball to watch. But that could be you.
So what happens if you head down South and the baseball players don’t? We’ve got you covered.
Option #1: Play the games yourselves
It’s a Federal law that if a baseball stadium doesn’t have baseball going on inside of it that you can just sneak in and play a game. So long as you are actively playing in a baseball game that is following all lineup and game rules, the police cannot arrest you.
So, this one is simple. Just break into Salt River Fields and start playing a baseball game. Bring at least 17 friends and make sure you all have bats and gloves first, otherwise you’ll be arrested for just loitering in a ballpark. I’m not a lawyer, I will not protect you if you get arrested.
Option #2: Write a book
If you’re like me, baseball’s grip on your life has prevented you from becoming the next great literary mind from America. But if baseball boycott’s an entire month, I will finally have the time to finish my book and you can too!
Writing a book will easily fill the gap in your heart where baseball used to sit. Baseball could never come back if the writing is good, who needs it! I’m the next F. Scott Fitzgerald no matter what the critics say and all I need is for baseball to sit in eternal labor unrest.
Option #3: Harass the publishing agents of major New York City publishers until they agree to promote your book
I’m certainly not suggesting you calling every New York publisher every day until they agree to publish and promote your book. But look, without baseball you’re going to have a LOT of time on your hands and a lot of publishers are going to tell you that you’re book “isn’t good” or “is full of crappy metaphors” or “needs coherent sentences”. But what do they know? If there is one thing my father taught me it’s that persistence always wins. If someone says your book sucks, you should spend the next month calling their publishing house once every three hours to try and get it published anyway. If that doesn’t work, nothing will.
Option #4: Reconnect with your father
So what if he told you your book wasn’t ever going to be published? You have all the time in the world now to call your dad and demand he finally respect you. You’re a good writer and this baseball labor unrest has finally given you the time to assert your place in this world to your father. So do it already! Your ex girlfriend will never take you back if you don’t find some self respect and call your dad. Get that book published! Get your dad back!
Option #5: Take a vacation to California instead
Just drive from Phoenix to LA. It’s way cooler. More water, less weird old people telling the players to get back to work. Drive to LA, drive to your dad’s house, and leave 400 of your now published books on his porch! It’s a nice vacation and you can finally show your dad that you did get published.
Option #6: Write ANOTHER BOOK
Now you’ve done it, you’ve accomplished all you came to do. But what if there is still time? A month is a long time, you should start another book. It could be a sequel to your hit best seller that sold 401 copies in the Metro Los Angeles area or it could be a brand new story. This new story could be about a heroic man who took a time of despair and boredom and made a tremendous book. He overcame a father that didn’t respect his book writing and a publishing community that wanted to keep him out. But thanks to all the time on his hands due to the labor unrest of baseball, he didn’t go crazy and got that book published.
Option #7: Break your friends out of jail
Look, you’re very sorry you told your friends to play baseball at a stadium by breaking in. You had no idea it was still against the law even if you had enough players to play a game. You can’t afford bail for all of them, so it’s go time to break them out of the Scottsdale Jail. Let’s do it.
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So, no need to worry if this boycott happens. There’s plenty to do over Spring Training’s long month even without baseball to watch.