FPF: Five fluffysheap-grade predictions

Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports

Five predictions! All guaranteed correct or your money back.

1) The Rockies will have a top five pitching staff, and almost no one will notice

Because park factors only count against the hitters, not in favor of the pitchers.

2) The Rockies will have a bottom five offense, and almost no one will notice

Because superficially good numbers confuse people.

3) Desmond and CarGo will be better than last year, but still pretty bad

Something like 1 win each. Bud Black will be convinced they're going to turn it around any day now. Both players will play 100+ games, maybe more like 130.

4) Jon Gray will get a Cy Young vote

He's not going to win, or really be in the conversation, but somebody will throw him a fifth place bone. He probably won't have a big win total, and he'll still throw a couple of terrible games, but he'll be on often enough to get notice. I'm not going to predict a no-hitter or anything crazy, but he'll be a pitcher that teams don't want to face.

5) The Rockies will win about 85 games, and miss the playoffs

A lot of stuff went wrong last year, but a lot of stuff went right, too. The Rockies got pretty lucky early in the season. The early one-run record wasn't 100% luck - the bullpen helped a lot - but they probably won't have a run like that again. MarkVP and Mysteriously Good Parra won't be carrying the team early on like last year. Injuries will probably be a wash. Dahl won't be hurt, but he still won't be in the lineup. Desmond being hurt likely made the team better. We had three pitchers hurt early in the season, but the rookies stepped up and got a lot of wins*. Even if everybody is healthy, it's not likely to translate into more actual standings wins. Catcher is probably a little better, but Charlie probably won't be quite as good. Story will probably improve, but not enough to make up for the outfield. The Dodgers and D-Backs are worse, but the Padres are better, and the Giants probably are too, injuries and all. Milwaukee and the other guys aren't going away. And the bullpen is great, but it's probably not going to help, because it was really good last year too.

Bonus) Trevor Story will be good again

He'll always strike out a lot, but he'll be better at the plate than he was last year, while maintaining good defensive play.

* Yes, pitcherwinz. If pitcher A this year is better than pitcher B last year, but pitcher B was the winning pitcher in the corresponding game last season, there's literally nothing pitcher A can do to create an additional standings win.

Eat. Drink. Be Merry. But the above FanPost does not necessarily reflect the attitudes, opinions, or views of Purple Row's staff (unless, of course, it's written by the staff [and even then, it still might not]).