Sources tell me today is Xmas, a holiday centered around a large, bearded UFO pilot who wears a red suit and breaks into people’s houses to steal cookies.
I have also been informed that this is the most wonderful time of the year, which seems false because it’s cold and days are perplexingly short and there is no baseball, and now apparently there are no cookies either.
Anyway, here’s a rundown of what Rockies players and fans are demanding as payment for the stolen cookies:
This year for Xmas, Trevor Story wants to go to the playoffs again.
Trevor is clearly still upset about the cookies, since he also wants cinnamon rolls and desserts, as well as a multiyear deal and for it to be January already so he can start training for the 2020 season.
Our friends at Rox Pile want Ryan McMahon to continue getting better, Trevor Story to continue playing Gold Glove-caliber defense and Larry Walker to make the Hall of Fame.
These seem like very mature, reasonable, cookie-agnostic requests.
Our friends at Beyond the Box Score want the Rockies to give Nolan Arenado what they promised: a winning baseball team.
They also want the Rockies to drop the tired “We don’t have any financial flexibility” act because here’s the thing about that:
The issue at hand is that the Rockies are trying to field a competitive roster that is within reason of a budget they set themselves. They are trying to compose a roster that is within a philosophy they set themselves. They are claiming to be trapped within the confines of a box they set themselves.
They’re probably even demanding payment for cookies they ate themselves.
We here at Purple Row are emotionally exhausted and are willing to forget all about the cookies; we just want the Rockies to shut down these trade rumors and commit to our commitment to our best player so we don’t all go completely insane.
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As for me, well, I guess there are a few things I could ask for, like better health insurance. Or an end to childhood hunger. Or everyone to make it through the holiday season without needing Narcan. Or a pony.
But realistically, if I had to ask for just one thing, I think I’d be making the same request as baseball fans (and especially Rockies fans) everywhere:
Nolan, all we want for Xmas is you.