1. Ryan McMahon will hit for the cycle

This dude is the real deal. By June, he'll be a fixture in the middle of our lineup. He hits line drives all day, and he's got home run power to boot.

2. The first no-hitter in Rockies home history will be thrown by... Jeff Hoffman

No-hitters have a sense of randomness to them. For that reason, I'm ignoring the obvious candidates and going with the guy who didn't even make the opening day roster.

3. The Rockies will win the division

Kershaw battles injuries all year, Rich Hill shows his age, and the rest of the Dodgers rotation isn't quite up to task of remaining consistent over the rest of the season. The Dodgers fade in late September and miss the playoffs altogether. Nobody else in the division emerges.

4. The closer by September doesn't make the opening day roster

Lawrence? Almonte? Estevez? The only predictions I'm truly comfortable making about bullpens are that they're unpredictable.

5. Goodman says something negative about Ian Desmond

Hey, I predicted a no-hitter for Jeff Hoffman. Is this really any more out there? Oh, it is? Never mind then.