The holidays are here so I wanted to get in the spirit by writing the following. It is a parody of the classic holiday poem “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.” I may not be a poet, but thanks to the already great structure of the poem, it made things easier to adapt and adjust to the Colorado Rockies. Some elements and phrases of the original text are borrowed and implemented for this adaption, simply because they are too good not to include!
‘Twas the night before Rox-mas, when all through Coors Field
Not a creature was stirring, as they all tried to get healed;
The helmets were hung by the dugout with care,
In hopes that St. Bill Schmidt soon would be there;
The players were nestled all snug in their lockers,
Dreaming to blast home runs like one Larry Walker;
And Blackmon in his jersey and Bryant in his cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the diamond there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my office to see what was the matter.
Away to the infield I flew like a flash,
Flicked on the field lights to a great blinding flash.
The video board glowed on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Giving the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should come to witness for,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny dinosaurs
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Schmidt.
More rapid than foxes his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, HELTON! now, TULO! now, DJ and SPILLY!
On, STORY! on CARGO! on, NOLAN and VINNY!
To the top of the Bridich barrier! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
As dry leaves that before the wild snow storms fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the Rooftop the dinos they flew,
With the sleigh full of players, and St. Schimdty too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I wiped my eyes, and was turning around,
Down to the outfield St. Schmidt came with a bound.
He was dressed all in purple, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with Coors brew and dirt;
A bundle of contracts he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how normal!
His demeanor was quite cordial, his actions quite formal!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the hair of his head was as white as the snow;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
Yet a scent followed his movements, perhaps from a dino quite smelly.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the helmets; laying out contracts with few little quirks.
To my surprise, he laid out deals from the Minors
Featuring plenty of pitchers and players that hope to be shiners.
He then turned around and handed me a list
Featuring fan-favorite players traded away for some new little gifts
Then to the bullpen, he flew something fierce
Dropping off a contract for some guy named Pierce.
I thought he was done, but he continued to be a refuter
Laying claim to a lefty by the name of Brent Suter.
Surely this was it, he’d leave well enough alone,
But he tried to keep improving by trading for Nolan Jones.
Another pitcher he added, one that had signed back in May
A nice solid addition and his name is Jose.
When the dust started to settle I looked back on my wish list
I saw no Bellinger or Nimmo, nor any sign of bliss.
Still, I resigned, this was better than nothing,
Thankful that at least we got some sort of stuffing.
St. Schmidt was done for the time it was seem,
Promising a flood of bamboo that would arrive with a gleam.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up to the Rooftop he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
HAPPY ROX-MAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!
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New Rockies reliever Pierce Johnson not only gets to come home to Colorado to play, but he’s now able to reunite with his high school mentor on a regular basis. Thomas Harding relates the story how Johnson’s baseball journey and now in part what he brings to the Rockies.
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