FanPost

Losing Pretty


(This post is best read in the late Phil Hartman's voice). Hi, I'm Latoy McBlur. You might remember me from such sports documentaries as How to Not Play Quarterback: The Drew Lock and Paxton Lynch Story or We Just Can't Win, Baby: L.A. Clippers Confidential. Today, I'm going to bring you inside the alternate universe of the Colorado Rockies organization. Unlike Lake Woebegone, everything in the organization is decidedly below average. Here's a dirty little secret. In order to stay employed, the employees have to get an "unsatisfactory" rating on their performance evaluations.. Here at 20th and Blake they have a motto that guides everything they do: "Lose Pretty, Winning Costs Too Much." Losing pretty might seem like a contradiction in terms but the Monfort brothers have perfected it. Here's the basic premise. You spend just enough money to make the fans think you care about winning but then claim poverty before you can actually win. When the players you do pay start thinking the team should actually care about winning, you anger them to the point they demand to be traded. Brilliance or stupidity? Let's take a look behind the scenes and find out, shall we?

As we stroll the halls at 20th and Blake, you'll notice everyone is wearing green and white pants. Instead of casual Fridays, they have City Connect Fridays. The idea was inspired by their City Connect uniforms that model the Colorado license plates. All the clothing is stitched in the prison system, just like the license plates used to be made. We do have one question, though. Aren't the license plates about the State of Colorado, not the City of Denver?

Let's first take a look at the President's office. It's a permanent memorial to former team President, Keli McGregor. It can never be occupied again. That brings us to GM Bill Schmidt's office. Let's knock and say hello. Oops. He appears to be napping. Well, that might explain why the Rockies were the only team in MLB not to make a trade at the trading deadline earlier this week. Let's check-in next door, the office of minor league scouting. I'll just open the door and see who's here. Well, that's embarrassing. It seems as though this office has been converted to a storage closet. There's nothing in here except boxes of baseballs, Troy Tulowizki t-shirts, and the laundry of former GM Jeff Bridich that the analytics staff didn't get around to washing.

Speaking of the stat geeks, let's go have a chat. They're fun guys to talk to. So what do you think those guys are working on? The latest in spin rates and exit velocities? No, as it turns out, they're calculating the minimum number of wins it takes to make fans keep coming out to the ballpark in droves. As it turns out, that number is 72. Next, let's go visit the media relations office. I like chatting with the perky female interns that other teams hire. Uh-oh. it seems this office is filled only with broken down robots whose only comment is stuck in a permanent loop, "You have to trust the organization." Creepy.

Let's go look at the training room next. The busts of Todd Helton and Troy Tulowitzki adorn the entrance. Currently, they are working on a third bust, that of new Rockies free agent signee Kris Bryant. The motto above the door says it all: "The Altitude Kills."

And that brings us to the office of owner, Dick Monfort. I know you think the halls of owners are paved in gold and their offices are stocked full of cash but we're here to show you the reality of being a major league owner. I'll just open the door so you can see for yourselves. Well that's interesting. The office appears to be stuffed with piles of cash. There you have it. Losing pretty really does work. At least for some people. This has been LaToy McBlur with The Colorado Rockies: Losing Pretty, the Road to Below Average.

Eat. Drink. Be Merry. But the above FanPost does not necessarily reflect the attitudes, opinions, or views of Purple Row's staff (unless, of course, it's written by the staff [and even then, it still might not]).